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The 6 Craziest Moments From The Stormy Daniels Interview

Just this month we’ve been bitchslapped by the likes of four different blizzards, but those were all just warmups for the real winter storm that touched down last night on 60 Minutes: Stormy Daniels. For the first time since news of the Forbes-spank-heard-round-the-world broke, Stormy finally spoke out to tell her side of the story to the impeccably chiseled silver fox, Anderson Cooper. Some of the facts we already knew, however there was still plenty of tea to be spilled. So what did we learn from the eye of the Storm? These are her stories.

1. The Spanking Was Her Idea

It was a dark and Stormy night (lol sry can’t help myself) when The Donald approached Ms. Daniels at a celebrity golf tournament. He invited her over and, according to Stormy, talked about himself the entire time. How surprising and unexpected.

At one point during the conversation, Trump picked up a magazine to show off his own photo on the cover. Like any woman who has ever dealt with a shamelessly self-absorbed fuckboy, Stormy had pretty much the only logical response, telling Trump that someone “should take that magazine and spank with it.” And so it is written, so it shall be done. Anderson Cooper was all of us upon hearing this, asking Stormy, “You told Donald Trump to turn around and take off his pants?” Because seriously, on what planet is that something you’d actually want Trump to do?

2. Donald Has Daddy Daughter Issues

We’ve known for a while that Donald Trump thinks his daughter, Ivanka, is a regulation hottie. To be Trump’s type, you either need to be a foreign model who speaks limited English, or blonde, like Ivanka. He’s a man of many nuanced tastes.

During her time in his hotel room, Trump told Stormy, “You are special, you remind me of my daughter – smart, beautiful.” I’m not really sure what triggered that association, but I imagine it went something like this:

Stormy Daniels: *spanks Trump*

Donald Trump: Wow, you really know how to use those hands. You know who has good hands? My daughter Ivanka. Softest hands ever. Big, like mine, because I’m her daddy. Are you somebody’s daughter too?

3. Trump Didn’t Use A Condom

According to Stormy, she asked about his wife (who had just given birth to their son, Barron), and Trump assured her that Melania was staying in a separate room and wouldn’t be an issue. Next thing you know, he’s “perched” on the bed and Stormy realized she had gotten herself into quite the pickle. She claimed she didn’t want to get anywhere near his pickle and wasn’t attracted to him at all because she’s a human being with eyes and a brain.

Still, she chose to go ahead with it because she felt like she had put herself in a bad situation and deserved what was coming to her. Quick PSA to all women: you don’t owe anyone anything, and you can always say no at any point. That being said, this isn’t even the craziest part of the story because apparently TRUMP DID NOT WEAR A CONDOM. I’ve thrown up in my mouth at least three times trying to write that sentence. If you wouldn’t pick up dog crap without a plastic bag on your hand, you should not be letting that fleshy baby carrot anywhere near your body if it’s not wrapped in latex, bubble wrap, and disinfectant.

4. Stormy Was Threatened To Keep Quiet

In May of 2011, Stormy agreed to sell her story for to a magazine for $15k. Trump’s people stopped that in its tracks and tried to make sure Stormy would never come for Trump at a public level. When the election race started heating up, the offers came pouring in for her to speak out and tell the story again from her perspective. One day, she was threatened by a man who approached her in a Vegas parking lot, telling her to leave Trump alone and physically threatening her in front of her infant daughter.

My grandpa actually helped build Trump tower when Trump was only known as a greedy businessman (lmk when you’d like to film my 60 Minutes episode, Anderson. I’m ready for my closeup), so I’ve heard since I was little that Trump was a “wise guy.” Little did we know he’d actually resort to mob tactics to threaten his enemies. But the chances of any one of Trump’s henchmen successfully carrying out some kind of hit? Fuggedaboutit.

5. Trump’s Lawyer Might Be In Some Deep Shit

Michael Cohen, Trump’s attorney, drew up a deal with Stormy 11 days before the election, where she would agree to stay silent for a payout of $130k, which Cohen would pay her personally. If this sounds shady, you’re not wrong, because Michael Cohen may have illegally violated his campaign contribution limits by paying for something that would benefit or protect Trump’s campaign. Cohen says that neither the Trump Organization nor the Trump campaign reimbursed him, but that won’t matter much if what he did was not exactly on the right side of the law to begin with.

Trump also never signed the NDA, which could render it completely invalid and give Stormy the freedom to say whatever’s on her mind. The truth, she will come out, hunty. And when she does, she’ll read you all for filth.

6. Stormy May Or May Not Have Receipts

Hot Damn-derson Cooper asked both Stormy and her lawyer if they have any photos, text messages, or videos of the affair, and they were both v cagey about it. What’s the deal, Storm? Are you sitting on some juicy nudes? Is there a sex tape? Does the world actually want to see any of that or is it going to be like a “2 Girls 1 Cup” thing where we immediately regret watching, but we can’t look away? Only one way to find out.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

All The Ways You Can Support The March For Our Lives Tomorrow

Let me paint you a picture: just over a month after the horrific deadly shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School that killed 17 and wounded many more, lawmakers have made great strides in passing new gun violence prevention laws and making the protection of our citizens and children a top priority. There is peace and unity across party lines. Instead of guns, we use our words to get our message across. Everyone is safe and sound, and no March For Our Lives is needed. Obviously, that’s a load of fairytale bullshit. I mean, have you seen the news?

If you’re fed up with the lack of common-sense gun safety laws and want to do something about it, the students of Parkland have got ya covered. This Saturday, March 24th, is the March For Our Lives, organized by the survivors of the Florida shooting to speak out against gun violence. While the main march is in Washington D.C., there are plenty of other ways to get involved wherever you live all across the country. So delay that Saturday morning hangover for one more day – there’s important activist shit to do.

Find A March Near You

Unless you have a ton of frequent flier miles or unlimited money for bus fare, you probably won’t be able to hop over to D.C. last minute to join the official march (and if you do have those things, hit me up. This bitch needs a vacation). Luckily, there are dozens of sister (yes – the march is a woman) marches organized in different cities, so there’s bound to be at least one that’s accessible to anyone who feels like joining in.

Click here to find a march near you, and start prepping your witty protest sign now so you can get a bunch of likes on Insta from all the people impressed with how woke you are. (Make sure to tag @MarchForOurLives and @Everytown, and use the #MarchForOurLives hashtag!) I’ll offer my sign suggestion, since I’m feeling extra generous: “The only guns that should be allowed in this country are Michelle Obama’s!” You can have that idea for free, folks.

Pick Up A Copy Of Time Magazine

Yes, they still make print magazines that you can actually physically flip through instead of scrolling past some tweeted quotes from an article. How retro. Time‘s new cover features five of the Parkland shooting survivors looking hella badass and like a squad of teens from a Marvel movie who are about to reveal their superpowers and save the world. These students are not far from actual superheroes, and their intelligence and maturity is definitely worth reading about.

TIME's new cover: The school shooting generation has had enough https://t.co/4YI173gqTx pic.twitter.com/7yFEXuVjyb

— TIME (@TIME) March 22, 2018

Join The National Walkout

Following the widely successful walkout a few weeks ago where thousands of students of all ages left their classes and stood in solidarity emphasizing the need for common-sense gun safety laws, another walkout will be held on April 20th. This is the anniversary of the Columbine shooting, which is one of the first mass shootings we millennials can remember. It goes without saying that this date is often significant for another reason, so let’s just hope that everyone can muster up the energy to slowly walk out, maybe with an added sense of calm and Bob Marley’s “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright” playing in the background.

In conjunction with the walkout, The Sup will also be engaging in a Facebook blackout on April 20th, standing in solidarity with the students, and also protesting Facebook’s social abuses and the spread of fake news. You can join us by turning your profile picture and cover photo black and not posting anything for 24 hours. Honestly, social media is a cesspool and only leads to getting mad about politicians’ tweets or FB stalking an ex so, like, you’re only doing yourself a favor by logging off.

Donate To The Stoneman Douglas Victims’ Fund

GoFundMe is the charity of the future. On crowdsourcing alone, the Stoneman Douglas Victims’ Fund has already raised over $4.5 million to provide relief and financial support to the victims and their families. No donation is too small, but just make sure you only donate to verified pages, otherwise you might be paying for some scammer’s new yacht, and that is definitely the opposite of charitable goodness.

Call Your Representatives

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: nothing is going to change unless we get legislators to listen to what the people are saying. You can reach your local representative by calling (201)-224-3121 and asking for the lawmaker in your state. Or, you can just go down this list of legislators who voted no to expanding background checks and making it harder for people to purchase guns. Turn it into a drinking game: take a shot for every senator you get to bitch out, and chug your drink if it sounds like they might actually change their stance.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now! 

Donald Trump Jr. Is Only Two Divorces Away From Being Just Like Dad

Ho. Lee. Shit. Another one bites the dust. And while it is someone living in the wacky world of Trumplandia, this time it’s not another appointed official throwing in the towel. It’s Don Jr.’s wife Vanessa Trump. Vanessa took to the Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday to officially file for divorce after 12 years of marriage. She decided it was time to free herself from the shackles and live her damn life, and I truly couldn’t be prouder. Either that, or she saw that Mueller subpoenaed the Trump Organization and wanted to GTFO before her husband goes to JAIL. Either way, we’re happy for ya, ‘Ness.

According to multiple inside sources, Donny J and Vanessa have been on the rocks for quite some time, and Trump Sr. becoming president was just the icing on the cake – if the cake was made of Twitter rage, orange self-tanning lotion, and sadness. Baby V was understandably upset with the intense amount of attention and scrutiny bombarding her family, and allegedly hated Don Jr.’s tweeting, calling it “unhinged.” (True, Vanessa. True.)

Just last month, Vanessa was hospitalized after receiving an envelope containing a suspicious powdered substance that was feared to be anthrax, but ended up being a false alarm. The couple also spent Valentine’s Day separately, with their five (five?! Jesus.) children, which is a clear sign that this relationship was dead and gone. If you can honestly tell me you’d rather spend the most romantic day of the year telling your snot nosed pre-teens to stop blowing straw wrappers at each other across the table instead of breaking out the molly you’ve been saving for a special occasion and having marathon sex, I have some bad news for you and your soon-to-be-ex husband.

Vanessa and Jr. met back in 2003 at a fashion show. They were introduced by none other than the big Don himself. First of all, if some creepy old dad tried to set me up with his lube-haired son, I would run for the GD hills. Vanessa clearly does not have the same standards.

However, the first introduction didn’t leave much of an impression, and when they met again at a party a few weeks later, Vanessa literally said, “Wait, you’re the one with the r*tarded dad!” Forgive me for not being shocked that someone who knew the Trump family was an avalanche of stupid but married into it anyway for money would use the r-word to describe her future father-in-law. Though, in her defense, it was 2003 when we were all low-key pretending that was okay.

Clearly, the perks did not outweigh the constant nightmare of waking up next to Donald Jr. every morning and realizing she was trapped in a perpetual hell of MAGA hats and being the “other hot blonde who isn’t Ivanka.” Vanessa, I wish you luck on your journey back into the single life. Enjoy your glow-up as you drift peacefully away from all things Trump and probably try to salvage your former modeling career by resorting to promoting flat tummy tea on Insta. Oh and Melania, I hate to tell you to just copy someone else but…your move, girl.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

These Are The Elections You Need To Pay Attention To In 2018

As Americans, exercising our right to vote is literally the least we can do to make sure that the people who represent us are at least somewhat supported by a majority of citizens. Whether you’re voting on “who wore it best,” picking the winning bracket in the Betchelor Challenge, or choosing actual political representatives, this is the one time you are fully allowed to  blatantly choose favorites based on personal (preferably educated) opinion. America: Land of the Free, Home of the Petty.

If the 2016 presidential election had you pounding tequila shots until you forgot how to spell “democracy,” then you’re probably itching for another chance to flex those Scantron-bubble-filling muscles. Well, you’re in luck, my woke friends – no need to wait until 2020 for the next presidential election when there are tons of primaries, special elections, and midterms to vote in this year. Here are just a few of the ones that might stand a real chance at stopping the big orange wrecking ball from destroying everything causing some major shifts in the Senate and the House.

May 8 – Indiana, Ohio, & West Virginia Primaries

The Democratic Senator in each of these three states is running for re-election on a pretty unstable footing. In Indiana, Republicans have raised over $1 million to challenge current Dem. Senator Joe Donnelly. Meanwhile, West Virginia’s Dem. Senator faces a Republican opponent who spent a year in federal prison for a workplace safety violation that killed 29 people in a mining accident. You know, totally equal opponents.

June 5 – California & New Jersey Primaries

5 out of 12 races in New Jersey have the potential to shake things up, while two Republicans in California have already announced they are not seeking re-election, which opens the door for a possible blue flip for those districts. TBH, I feel them – if I was already part of the House or Senate when the past year and a half of insanity tornadoed through, you couldn’t have paid me to peace outta that mess fast enough.

August 2 – Tennessee Primary

With Bob Corker also calling it quits, the Tennessee Primary is totally up in the air and Democrats are hoping to pull an upset and snatch that wig from the winner of the Republican primary.

 

August 14 – Minnesota Primaries

Tina Smith is looking to serve out the rest of the term that she took over for Al Franken after he joined the ranks of creepy men in power who like to grope women as a joke. Cute. Republicans are looking for the steal but like, ya girl had to come in at a tough time and pick up a lot of pieces when Franken let everyone down so why don’t we just let her have this one, yeah?

Other Elections To Watch This Summer:

June 26 – New York, Maryland, & Utah Primaries

August 7 – Michigan & Missouri Primaries, Ohio Special House General Election

August 28 – Arizona & Florida Primaries

Save these dates to your iCal because each of these races could be the key to flipping the House or the Senate. Also, watching election results is fun. Especially if you turn it into a drinking game.

 

November 6 – The G-D Midterm Elections

This is it. The big one. The primaries are just pregames getting you nice and sauced up for the main event. While the White House will remain under Republican control for the next 2 years, midterms could flip enough seats in the House and/or the Senate to edge Democrats closer to closing the gap or even taking the majority.

This is a massively BFD, considering the point of the other branches is to check and balance the president and each other. They’re basically there to ensure that one party doesn’t run wild passing legislation that only serves to benefit their point of view. I’d like to take a moment to thank Schoolhouse Rock! for my unofficial degree in political science and the ability to sound like I have even the slightest fucking clue what I’m talking about.

For a complete list of elections in 2018, check out this handy guide by The New York Times, and make sure to register to vote in your state. For real, if you can tweet a vote for The Voice because you think Adam Levine is a wet dream on two legs, then you definitely have enough time to do your civic duty and get your ass to your local polling place because this shit matters. Be the change you wish to see in the world, or whatever. I’m pretty sure a bumper sticker taught me that.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

10 Netflix Documentaries To Fuel Your Feminist rage

Happy International Women’s Day, betches! On this, most badass of holidays, it’s important to take time to recognize the strong, empowering women who paved the way for a new generation of women to keep fighting for change and equality (so, like, call your mom and tell her you love her). To help get you started, here’s a list of 10 of the best feminist Netflix documentaries you can stream right now if you too want to feel the passion of rallying at the Women’s March without leaving the comfort of your bed.

1. She’s Beautiful When She’s Angry

When discussing the women’s movement, it’s v important to start at the inception of what we know as popular feminism today. This documentary focuses on the leaders and history of the feminist movements of the 1960s-70s. Just because they hadn’t come up with the Pussy Hat yet, doesn’t mean these women didn’t know how to host a solid protest.

2. The Hunting Ground

The Hunting Ground delves deep into the all too disturbing reality of campus sexual assault. This documentary sheds a light on the corruption of many universities trying to protect their image and favoring money over justice for their students, while also highlighting the brave students who spoke up, took a stand, and fought for their stories to be heard. Also, this is the documentary that brought us that STUNNING Lady Gaga song, “Til’ It Happens To You,” so like, get ready to shed a tear or two.

3. Gaga: Five Foot Two

Speaking of the Queen, Lady Gaga’s documentary, Gaga: Five Foot Two, is a super intimate and vulnerable look into Gaga’s life. It follows her through the heartbreak of breaking up with her fiancé, writing her Joanne album, dealing with chronic pain, and eventually slaying the fucking Super Bowl. If you’re looking for a fierce and resilient role model, look no further than Stefani Germanotta. YAAAAS GAGA!

4. Paris Is Burning

Ahem…*picks up megaphone*…Feminism isn’t feminism unless it’s intersectional, y’all! If Ru Paul’s Drag Race is your favorite reality competition (if it’s not, it should be), then Paris Is Burning is a must-watch. This 1990 documentary explores the elaborate and extravagant “drag ball” competitions, focusing on the African-American, Latino, gay, and transgender performers who used drag as an expression of personality and gender identity in a celebratory and inclusive space. Brush up on the origins of vital drag vocabulary, such as “mother,” “realness,” reading,” and “voguing” before your next 2am romp through the Hell’s Kitchen bar scene.

5. Seeing Allred

Gloria Allred is one of the most famous attorneys in America, and a certified HBIC of leading the crusade against the war on women. This documentary features interviews with Allred, as well as many of her loyal supporters and harshest critics, and focuses on how her own personal trauma led her to turn her survivor status into a beacon of hope and action for other women in sexual violence cases. Come for the icon, stay for the conversations about Bill Cosby and Donald Trump. Let’s just say ya girl doesn’t hold back.

6. Hot Girls Wanted

Hot Girls Wanted takes a look inside the exploitation of young women in the world of amateur internet porn. It’s a startling look into how easy it is for teens and young women who are already so plugged into social media and technology to get lured in by the appeal of using their bodies to make a little extra cash. Also, this documentary was produced by Rashida Jones – aka poetic and noble land-mermaid Ann Perkins – so you already know it’s going to be good.

7. A Ballerina’s Tale

If you don’t already know who Misty Copeland is, your homework is to watch this doc ASAP. As the first black principal dancer in the American Ballet Theater, Copeland is a serious inspiration to girls everywhere. She’s proof that you can follow your dreams, regardless of race, and has come to represent a new, elegant, gorgeous addition to the world of professional dance. I do have to subtract some points, though, because not once did this movie feature a psychotic Natalie Portman Black Swan ballerina breakdown. Lame. (Just kidding).

8. Gender Revolution: A Journey With Katie Couric

One of the most respected and noteworthy anchorwomen of all time, Katie Couric, takes a fascinating in-depth look at the way gender expression has changed overtime and the ways society is learning to adjust to a broader perspective. Gender Revolution touches upon transgenderism, pronouns, gender performance, and the ongoing civil rights debates surrounding equality and equal representation. Katie’s soothing, extremely likable tone is the perfect vehicle to bring emotional and inspiring interviews together and teach us all a little more about the impact of gender in our world.

9. Queen Mimi

OMG is this woman a fucking trip. Mimi Haist is a homeless woman living in a laundromat in Santa Monica, who garnered a sort of local celebrity status thanks to her firecracker personality, positive attitude, and passion for living an independent life with no regrets – and also the color pink. Some of Mimi’s friends include A-list celebrities like Renée Zellweger and Zach Galifianakis, who actually brought her as his date to the red carpet premiere of The Hangover III. I can only hope to be half the hilarious badass queen Mimi is when I’m in my 80s, but also I can’t even bring myself to leave my apartment to go to the laundromat when my clothes are overflowing out of my hamper so I don’t think I’m cut out to live in one.

10. Miss Representation

Rounding out the list is a recent classic (seriously, this documentary was assigned viewing in at least three of my Women’s & Gender Studies classes in college). This 2011 film peels back the curtain on how mainstream media represents women, often undermining their influence, or reducing them to spectacles to be looked at rather than listened to. For example: those commercials where Kate Upton has to shove a whole hamburger in her face while her boobs are practically escaping from her shirt. This documentary will enrage you, empower you, and make you want to call every advertising company and TV writer and help crack down on unfair representation in every form of media. It’s the least we can do.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Stephen Miller Literally Napped Through A Meeting On School Shootings

Naps are a sacred art. No one told me when I was three that I should have savored every moment of sweet sweet nap time, for it would become a great luxury in my twenties. This week, we found out the power snooze is not only reserved for hungover college kids on Sunday afternoons, but big shot politicians as well. Wow, the White House is so #relatable. In a Monday morning meeting about school safety, senior advisor and Nap Queen Stephen Miller was photographed catching some z’s, proving once and for all my theory that Stephen Miller is the Corinne of the White House.

Trump’s Senior policy adviser Stephen Miller, the man responsible to recommending policy to the President of the United States, cares so much about the Parkland shooting that he fell asleep during this meeting earlier today with our nation’s governors.

Photographer: Jim Lo Scalzo pic.twitter.com/Cpb2d2QV8c

— Brian Krassenstein???? (@krassenstein) February 26, 2018

TBH…have you ever seen a picture of Stephen Miller awake? Even when he’s supposedly conscious, the man looks like he’s been lying still in a dark coffin for ten years, only to rise when his eyelids reach half-mast and then hiss when the sunlight touches his oblong balding head.

Honestly, I don’t blame him. If my boss calls a meeting that easily could have just been an email – on a Monday morning, no less – I’m PTFO in the corner where he won’t see me hiding behind the XL iced coffee that made me late in the first place. Nappy Boi Miller’s mistake was breaking the cardinal rule of texting or sleeping in a meeting/class/religious service/etc.: never get caught on camera. I slept through countless assemblies and lectures in my many years of schooling, and my teachers were never the wiser. Sure, most of those meetings were about new social media strategies and not saving children from school shooters but still, I never got caught. *adds to special skill section of resume*

Side note: During this same meeting, President Trump, who has recently been promoting arming teachers as a defense tactic, stated that he would have run into the school, even without a weapon, to stop the shooter personally. Are you fucking serious? I can’t imagine that man moving faster than the slug lady from Monster’s Inc., so there’s no shot he would be caught dead running anywhere. Motion to make “when Trump runs” the official new version of “when pigs fly.” It’s a physical implausibility. Also, for a man who reacts to birds like this, I can’t see him turning into the pinnacle of bravery when faced with a deadly assault weapon:

All joking aside, get some rest, Stephen. It’s hard to trust you to be one of the people in charge of advising our President on how to be more racist keep our children safe in school when you can’t even be trusted to stay awake through an hour-long meeting. Then again, maybe he wasn’t actually sleeping, and he was just rolling his eyes so hard at the idea of his boss running that they rolled a full 180 degrees around and just appeared closed. No way to truly be sure.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Everything You Can Do To Support The Parkland Shooting Survivors

As is the unfortunate reality with every mass shooting, every person with a mouth and an opinion has been shouting/tweeting/skywriting their stance on gun control on every possible platform since the Parkland shooting took place last week. Between politicians, teachers, parents, and a reality TV star the president, Republicans and Democrats are super divided on the issue and are fighting over guns like a couple fighting over who gets to keep the dog after they break up. Coming as a shock to literally no one, the most mature and proactive contributors to the gun control debate have been the students who had to live through the actual horror of hiding under their desks from a madman bent on murder. So yeah, I’d say maybe it’s worth listening to them for a hot sec.

On March 24, the students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School and their families will take to Washington D.C. and lead the March For Our Lives to protest gun violence and the silence from lawmakers when it comes to making changes to prevent these atrocities. So far, all that has been offered from many Republican politicians is the load of shit they like to call “thoughts and prayers.” Thoughts and prayers didn’t work when I tried to wing my college finals having never opened a textbook, so they sure as hell are not going to work in preventing another unhinged person with access to firearms from taking innocent lives.

Students who just had their entire high school experience destroyed: So you’re just gonna do nothing to fix the way guns are sold and regulated in this country?

Republicans:

The students in Parkland are also firm that there is no such thing as “too soon” to start talking about enacting change. Less than 24 hours after the massacre, senior David Hogg spoke to CNN saying, “We’re children. You guys are the adults. You need to take some action and play a role. Work together. Come over your politics and get something done.” Translation: get the fuck over yourselves and stop acting like actual teenagers when you don’t even have to deal with things like acne and awkward sexual tension anymore. Oh wait, those never go away? Fantastic.

Other students have been taking to Twitter to demand action and call out the ridiculous and offensive statements made by Trump and human spiked seltzer hangover, Tomi Lahren. In case you also avoid following the orange ball of gas on Twitter for fear that you’ll lose a few brain cells, allow me to direct you to the tweet where he literally blames the victims for not being able to stop a mentally ill classmate from aiming a gun at their faces. And here’s another where he makes the issue about himself by claiming the FBI could have stopped the shooting if they weren’t so preoccupied with the Russia investigation. *slams head against keyboard*

Emma Gonzalez, another student survivor with a badass Charlize Theron buzzcut, gave a powerful speech in response to the lack of action, calling out flimsy statements from politicians and insisting that Parkland will be the “last mass shooting” if the government gets their shit together and enacts change. Emma brings the heat for nearly 12 minutes, literally getting a crowd of people to chant “WE CALL BS” at lawmakers, which is the same strategy I used when I realized my ex still kept in touch with Tinder girls. I can confirm, it’s v effective.

Leading up to the March For Our Lives, the students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas and their supporters have no intention of ending the conversation on gun control, which may be a major shift from the usual cycle of nothing ever changing after mass shooting events in the US. Just like the Women’s March, a bunch of sister marches are being organized in different states on March 24 to show support, which you can officially register for here. I, for one, have already prepared what to write on my sign in response to officials who won’t get off their Second Amendment high horse long enough to remember that children are dying:

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Rihanna Just Struck A Deal With France Because There’s Nothing She Can’t Do

Rihanna is a living goddess, sent down from the heavens to bestow unto us the gifts of Fenty Beauty and an endless supply of straight bangers (if your inner middle school self doesn’t still get hype over “Pon de Replay,” you’re wrong). In addition to making us fully support a completely see-through curtain of diamonds as an acceptable outfit choice, she also spends her free time being a major advocate for important causes. Truly, we are unworthy.

Our noble Barbadian queen just made the world a better place again by striking a deal with France to fund education for girls in underprivileged countries. Rihanna is an ambassador of the Global Partnership for Education, and took her passionate work work work work work ethic to their Financing Conference in Dakar earlier this month. There, she was spotted hugging French President Emmanuel Macron because what person in their right mind would pass up getting to touch Rihanna’s gorgeous, talented, (presumably) silky smooth skin?!

Actual footage of Macron seeing Rihanna in person

JK, the real reason for their hug was Macron’s agreement to Ri’s personal request that France would contribute $250 million to the GPE’s efforts to ensure that every child receives a basic education – especially those living in the poorest conditions and in countries plagued by conflict and tragedy. Rihanna tweeted her thanks at Macron, who responded, “When I commit, I deliver. @Rihanna, France will always side with those fighting for a better education. #FundEducation” Honestly, I feel you, Macron. If RiRi @-ed me on Twitter I would literally empty my pockets at her feet and beg her to take my next 10 paychecks, my rent, and my first-born child.

Rihanna ended her conference visit with a speech, saying, “We’ve made tremendous progress today, but of course, our work is never done. We have a long way to go. This is a fight we’re never gonna stop fighting until every boy and every girl has access to education.” Pop a quick drum beat and a feature from Drake under that and we have our next Top 40 single.

Seriously though, if the same woman who has been nominated for 33 Grammys can get entire foreign nations to hand her money for noble causes, we might have to reevaluate where we need her most and use this power for even more good. You heard it here first…#Rihanna2020

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