In the words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and take a Xanax every once in a while, you might literally explode.” Or something. 24 hours ago I was stalking Kylie Jenner’s Instagram like a psycho to figure out what she might name her baby, and then fucking Stormi happened. So yeah, I might not have predicted the name correctly, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to use those two psych classes I took in college and try to figure out what the fuck Kylie is thinking. And by that I mean more Instagram stalking, duh.
I’ll admit it, when Kylie announced the name on her Instagram yesterday, it caught me by surprise. First of all, the name fucking sucks, but I mostly didn’t expect her to announce it so quickly after casually being a hermit for her entire nine months of pregnancy. Kylie was obviously going through social media withdrawals while she was pregnant, so get ready for her to return to full thirst trap status by March at the latest, but probably with a few more stretch marks this time. But today we’re here to talk about poor Stormi Webster, and why her mother did her so wrong.
First of all, we know Kylie didn’t choose this name at the last minute. Family members were reportedly buying customized gifts for the baby back in January, which means that Kylie really knew what she wanted. But how did she settle on such a fucking weird name?
An obvious meaning could be that Stormi represents all the controversy and scandal that Kylie and her family have dealt with over the years. Like, congrats to Kylie for making it through all the #stormi times, you go girl. I just threw up a little while typing that, but it would at least kind of make sense. Like, not enough sense to make it worth picking as the name for your first-born child, but whatever. Kylie’s not like, classically known for her good decisions.
Maybe Kylie is just really into current events right now, and has been inspired by the courage and big boobs of porn star-turned-Trump truther Stormy Daniels. It would be a little much for them to have the exact same name, but just add the stripper ‘i’ at the end, et voilà! One perfect baby name. Can you tell how much we love the name?
While we were obviously not victorious in predicting Kylie’s baby name, we have to give a shoutout to Breanne Durbin, who is apparently a legitimate psychic and predicted the name on Twitter on January 1. Breanne, please immediately go to a casino or something, because you have a true talent and we aspire to be like you.
— Breanne Durbin (@BreanneDurbin) January 1, 2018
Congrats Breanne, you’re officially better than us. I swear to god, I’m going to start billing little Stormi Webster for my therapy sessions, because honestly this child has been my main source of stress over the past week.