As we gear up for the most dramatic reunion ever (sorry, Bachelor Nation, it’s no longer your thing), Vanderpump Rules fans and witches of WeHo are already conjuring up spells to cast on Toms all around the world while stretching their inspirationally quoted tattooed arms before keg-standing Pumptinis. (Insert James Kennedy screaming “Pumptinis!” here.)
And while we’ll always thank the Bravo Gods (aka Andy Cohen) for forcing cameras to pick up mid-hiatus for production, allowing us all to book extra sessions with our therapists to emotionally prepare, another thing that’s been good for our souls is knowing our girl, our queen, our #1 guy in the group, Ariana Madix, is already seizing numerous new opportunities, with reports teasing her potential appearance on the next season of Dancing With the Stars.
This exciting announcement, which we take as bible considering we heard it on DeuxMoi, made us wonder the next logical thing: Which other reality shows should the rest of the VPR cast book to really capitalize on this back-alley-of-Sur garbage fire of a summer?
Tom Schwartz: Man Vs. Wild
We could be nice and give Tom Schwartz Queer Eye because this lost boy should finally unpack his dirty-ass apartment and his messy life with the Fab 5, but Bubba doesn’t deserve JVN’s hairspray and Antoni’s cheese sandwiches: He deserves sludgy swamp water. We’re sending Schwartz to Florida to try his hand at man-eating crocodiles on Man Vs Wild. A pep talk from Karamo probably won’t do shit for Schwartz, but Bear Grylls abandoning his ass in the alligator-infested Everglades just might.
James Kennedy: American Idol
Let’s get this Rachella planning, drink-throwing, See You Next Tuesday star as a judge on American Idol. He can claim to “discover” new talent as he did with Lala’s short-lived “singing” career while calling anyone not getting a golden ticket to Hollywood a “poo poo head” (among other NSFW insults). My inner child is already triggered with trauma thinking about his destruction of dreams all across America but Lionel and Katy will keep him in check.
Tom Sandoval and Raquel Leviss: Naked and Afraid
These two rats (Ariana’s words, not mine) can deepen their “connection” by being butt nakey in a remote wilderness location with no food, water, or shelter, tasked with staying alive for 21 days with nothing but each other. (Aw.) Don’t worry, though; contestants are usually allowed to bring one personal item each to aid their survival, so Tom can bring his batteries, and Raquel can sleep peacefully on some dirt next to her unplugged Galaxy light. How romantic!
Scheana Shay: The Great British Bake Off
The twist: she’s not British, can only use her
dinosaur talons nails as utensils, and can literally only make her “famous” enchiladas every challenge. Would she make it past the first week? No, Paul Hollywood would disseminate her tortilla’s soggy bottoms, while Dame Prue would be disappointed they weren’t soaked in alcohol. On the bright side, Noel would sport her infamous bridal crop top while singing “Good As Gold” as she said her goodbyes.
Katie Maloney: The Circle
“Message: The True Earl of Sandwich should head into The Circle. Heart eyes emoji. Prayer hands emoji. Face with symbols over mouth emoji. Send message.” Like, can you imagine Tequila Katie using voice dictation to send all her rage texts?! The people need, nay, deserve to hear them in real-time. Let her light these fools on fucking fire and risk being “blocked by Jax.” Just give her a glass of Potion No. 1, and she’ll be gucci.
Lala Kent: Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Seeing as the Give Them Lala goddess already boned White Kanye, let’s move her and her BABY up the street into the not-so-humble hills of Calabasas, since it’s clear she can keep up with the Kardashians and their obsession with nature-related baby names. Got a problem with it? Send it to Darrell… or Kris Jenner.
Ariana Madix: The Bachelorette (After Dancing With the Stars)
Ariana will *hopefully* be tap-dancing her problems away this fall, so after she’s done winning the Mirrorball Trophy, this rose of a human should star as the next Bachelorette. Let’s be real, though; the bar is literally so low, even 24-year-old mediocre white guy Joe. M from Missouri is better than someone who cheats on you for not buying paper towels.
Lisa Vanderpump: PTO
It’s not a show, it’s not even a pilot pitch—it’s a suggestion. Let. Lisa. Rest. The hottest British woman we’ve ever seen has been through enough and should drink her cast-induced stress away via Vanderpump Rosé and miniature pony snuggles at Villa Rosa. If her reality TV withdrawals come in, perhaps she can just replace David Attenborough’s VO gigs. (If he ever retires.)