The Russians Are Coming For Your Relationship And We Have The Footage To Prove It

By now you’re probably pretty familiar with the whole “Russia interfered in our election to make Donald Trump president” thing. Now, given the fact that Don Jr. literally leaked his own nudes incriminating emails and will probably face zero consequences, the Russians are getting even bolder. Like, Jared Kushner literally met with a Russian lawyer for dirt on Hillary, tried to create a secret backchannel between the U.S government and Russia, and left over 100 foreign nationals off his security form and he still has top level security clearance. The Russians are winning, not because we’re better than them, but because we’re literally not fighting back in any way. And I mean, if they can come for our democracy, what else can the come for? Our Netflix subscriptions? Our BOYFRIENDS?!?!

That’s right, betches, the Russians are coming for your relationship and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. All we can do is sit around and wait until some woman named Svetlana with incredible cheekbones starts popping up on your discover page, liking all your man’s stuff and posting heart-eye emoji comments. Next thing you know, you’ll be coming home to her feeding him beef stroganoff and find out all your computer passwords have been compromised. Don’t believe me? Watch this: 


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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.