Well folks, we made it. The hiatus that happens from July to September where wedding season takes a quick little breather because it’s hot as balls and the bride doesn’t want to give her guests heat stroke sweat off her makeup. But don’t think you’re out of the woods yet, twentysomething betches. Shit will pick up again in a month or so when it finally cools down and fall hits. So to prepare you for the second wave wedding fever, we’re telling you what kind of bride has her wedding in each of the different seasons. Spoiler alert: they’re all basic af because all brides are basic af. Fucking duh. But here’s what makes them sorta different.
Spring: The Classic Bride
As much as going to weddings can suck, the ones I hate going to the least usually take place in the spring. The colors are pretty. I can wear anything from a pastel sundress to an LBD depending on how bad I wanna get laid I’m feeling. And it’s not too hot or too cold. All you need is a light jacket. The best part about spring weddings is they’re not all the fucking same. Fall weddings have identical color palettes (plum, burgundy, navy, repeat). Winter weddings are icy winter wonderland themed. And summer weddings are so fucking hot I just blackout so who even knows. While brides from other seasons are busy trying to show how original and edgy they are with their non-spring weddings, the spring bride is busy having a pretty, fun, chill wedding. And because spring marks the start of wedding season, I’m not totally over it yet where I’d rather pledge sobriety than go to another person’s big day.
Summer: The Bridezilla
Ugh. The summer bride aka the fucking worst. Now full disclosure… I am from Georgia so anyone who gets married down here in the summer is literally Satan because chances are at least one person will have a heat stroke and die. But tbh, no matter where you live, the summer bride is probs a total bridezilla. Mainly because they’re selfish af. No one wants to go to your stupid wedding in the summer. We want to go to the beach on the weekends or a pool party or some shit. The last thing any betch wants to do is wear a black-tie dress with a full face of makeup and a blowout just to sweat her ass off and end up looking like total shit. And this selfishness doesn’t just apply to the wedding day. Those closest to the summer bride know the entire wedding planning process has been absolute hell. This is the type of girl that makes her bridal party pay for her $10k gown because she just DGAF about anyone but herself. And don’t even get me started on brides who choose to get married on Memorial Day weekend, July Fourth or Labor Day weekend. You are a monster.
Fall: The Extra Basic Bride
Like I said at the beginning of this post, all brides are basic af. The fall bride, however, takes it to a whole new level. What makes them even more annoying is that they think they’re hella original because they’re not getting married in the spring. And I promise you they won’t shut up about it. The fall bride will constantly tell you how they didn’t want a standard springy color palette and how instead of signature cocktails they’re opting for a pumpkin spice latte and/or s’mores station and every other tiny thing that’s happening at the wedding that ties into fall. Like STFU, Karen. The only things I care about is that your wedding has an open bar and a hot enough groomsman for me to make out with.
Winter: The Trendy Bride
Out of all the seasons to choose from, winter is the only one that comes across as somewhat original. And for the record, I’m not talking about brides who do Christmas-themed weddings because I don’t even know how to classify them. Weird maybe? Idk. Winter weddings are usually smaller and more intimate with a cozy vibe that makes guests feel like they’re actually important instead of just someone the couple wanted there to look like more people like them than they actually do. The winter bride will probs wear a sexy nightgown-esque wedding dress with a fur shawl, a dark lip and retro Hollywood glam hair to make it appropriate for the season. In a few years, people will start catching on and winter brides will be the extra basic ones, but for now they’re still (slightly) ahead of the curve.