He popped the question, you Insta’ed and Snapped that shit, and now comes the planning, the stress, the different colored napkins, the fucking flowers, the bridesmaids, the food…and of course, the literal most important part of planning: choosing the dress.
We’ve all watched Say Yes to the Dress enough fucking times to acknowledge Randy’s place as our spirit animal and the dress’s place as what everyone will be staring at. You could think you’re really leaning toward one silhouette, but you could be wrong. As in every facet of your life, we’re here to guide you. You wouldn’t just pick a princess, strapless, sweetheart silhouette without asking your friends first, right? Right.
1. The Ball Gown
Fitted bodice and flared at the waist for a full skirt—this is the shit every bride under the age of 20 buys. My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? Ball gowns. People who like to pretend they’re princesses? Ball gowns. Child brides and virgins? Ball gowns. Home-schooled jungle freaks? You get the idea. Honestly, I find this shit childish and tacky, which, if that’s what you’re going for during your carnival themed, pizza-catered wedding in the Elks Lodge, go for it. If you’re poor, I get it. This shit seems expensive for those who thought a night at Golden Corral was a big-time treat.
2. The A-Line
This dress has a fitted bodice through the waist and flows to the ground, resembling an uppercase “A.” I have no real issue with this shit, aside from the fact that it’s boring. If you have a stellar body and have been #sweatingforthewedding for a year, dropped a shit ton of weight, and resemble a part-time model (but only part-time), show that shit off in a more revealing silhouette. If you have a small upstairs and still THICC downstairs, though, an A-line is great for you. Show off dem boobies, as my idiot husband would say. This is also a great dress for virgins not afraid to expose the wrist and ankle.
3. The Mermaid
Fitted from ya titties down to the knee, then, like Ariel’s magical green flippers, flares out. This shit works v well if you are a size 00 yet still have a nice hourglass frame (who are you people?). Also works well if you moonlight as a Victoria’s Secret model. Unfortunately, if the aforementioned does not apply to you, then you should probably not buy this kind of dress. Your family members will tell you you look magical, when really you look like a sausage squeezed into a too-small bag. Flaunt what you’ve got, but ain’t nobody wanna see you spilling out of a white-ish dress.
4. The Sheath
Are you a wannabe 40s movie star who had a little too much fun in theater and choir growing up? Have you newly discovered satin? The sheath is likely what you’re leaning toward. This is a dress that has a narrow shape that flows straight down the neckline to the hemline. Who can ACTUALLY wear this shit? If you’re super tall, super thin, or very petite with an hourglass figure, this shit will WERRRKKKK. However, if you’re super short and chubby OR very tall with an athletic build
or just like, a normal fucking human, probs not for you. This dress is NOT forgiving, i.e., you cannot hide your pudge where you store extra cookies, feel me?
5. The Tea-Length
“Hi! I like to pretend everything is retro and cool, and my house is oddly era-specific and mid-century modern, AND I have a lot of cats and love reading!” Here’s your dress, weirdo. Tea-length dresses fall between the ankle and knee and, shockingly, work for almost every body type. However, we find them weird and kind of overly trendy. Like, if you’re having a 50s themed wedding in an abandoned diner in Brooklyn, ya, this will work. You’re also hipster scum, but w/e.
6. The Trumpet/Fit ‘N Flare
Unlike your mermaid gown, this shit is a straight bodice (doesn’t hug like a mermaid) which flares out toward the bottom, giving you a skirt like—YOU GUESSED IT—a trumpet, starting around your knees. This is a great option if you want to show off curves while actually dancing and shit. Downside—it will NOT hide your tummy pooch, so don’t go inhaling all the shit at the dessert table. Liquid diet it is.
7. The Empire Waist
If you want to pretend you’re an ancient Greek goddess and/or wow your Star Wars-obsessed soon-to-be, this is the dress for you. Great for those who have stellar racks but not-so-stellar thighs, hips, stomachs, etc., aka many of us. Personally, this shit feels a lil too boho hippie chic for us, but if you’re into flower power and communing with nature, this could be a great fit.
Photos: Alvin Mahmudov / Unsplash; Shutterstock (7)