What Your iPhone Case Says About The Kind Of Psycho You Are

By Alise Morales | August 3, 2017
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Sad news for the basic among us, those liquid glitter phone cases you probably considered buying but then realized are incredibly tacky are apparently extremely dangerous. According to an ABC news report, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has announced a recall on several models of iPhone cases made by the company MixBin, because their mesmerizing glitter liquid was leaking out and burning people. Umm…wow. Who knew literally every girl who ordered a unicorn frappuccino un-ironically was also in possession of such a dangerous weapon? Sorry to all the Beckys of the world. I know your community has been hit the hardest. It’s survival of the least basic, or whatever it was that Darwin guy was talking about. This whole incident got us thinking, if glitter cases are the uniform for the basic, what do other iPhone cases mean? The phone case is, after all, wayyy more than just a tool to protect your phone from water damage. It also tells the world precisely how much of a hot mess you are. Honestly, dating apps should have a section where you’re asked to describe your phone case and whether or not you’re rocking an Android. It would save all of us a lot of trouble. So for those of you who are wondering what your phone case says about you, here is our heavily made up researched assessment: 

Indestructible/Battery Phone Cases – The Reformed Mess

You’ve been burned one too many times, haven’t you? The carefree college days of taking your naked-ass phone out to the club and coming back with it shattered into a thousand pieces are finally over, and and now that your parents won’t pay for your replacements anymore you’re slightly older, it’s time to get serious. Maybe it was the time you put a full stiletto through your iPhone 4, or maybe it was the time your phone died and you lost everyone at Coachella, but you are done with the near-death experiences for now. Sure, your case ain’t cute, but it could literally get run over by a truck (you know because it has been) and comes with 3x the charge, meaning you can take as many Insta stories as you want without fear of hitting 1%. Honestly, good for you.

LuMee Case – The Selfie Freak

Your Insta followers recently hit the thousands and you just cannot risk bad lighting at this point in your hoeism career. We get it. You’re the girl who fills my feed with 10-20 perfectly lit, facetuned selfies daily, and for some reason I just cannot unfollow. Any time you pull out your phone for a pic, 15 randoms show up to hop in it because they know the picture will come out amazing and get a thousand likes. In many ways, this case has become your full-time job. Good luck with your life as a knock-off Kardashian. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.

The Wallet Phone Case – The Mess

Phone, keys, wallet? Yeah, that’s way too many things. You can barely remember to get out of bed in the morning, let alone remember both a phone AND a wallet. Nah. You need to minimize the damage you will inevitably do to your life on any given weekend by consolidating your shit into one easily remembered package. Honestly, if you can find a way to attach that shit to your body, maybe by sewing it into your hair or something, that would probably be best. The upside to this lifestyle is that you have less shit to drag around with you when you’re drunk and tryna be free. The downside is that when you do inevitably lose this, you’ve lost literally your entire life. But that’s also like, fine. You’ve fucked up worse and lived.

Personalized – The Psycho

This one goes out to the girl I saw senior year of college whose phone case was literally a bedazzled picture of her own face. You think I forgot that shit? No fucking way. I’ll never forget it. Sometimes I wake up with a cold sweat in the middle of the night still thinking about the unique set of life events that would lead a person to get a phone case of their own damn face. Wow. I’m actually getting upset thinking about it. Moving on…

Graphic Cases – The One That DGAF

Congratulations, betch! You don’t give a fuck to such a degree that you spent $20 on a paper-thin case that does nothing all because it has a funny/sarcastic/betchy saying on it. Honestly, you’re doing everything right. Either that, or you have no personality and are using the bold statement on your phone case to mask your inability to be bold in your actual life. Either way, we dig your style. And not just because we literally sell these cases. That’s totally not why. Don’t worry about it. But I mean, if you want to buy one…

Wooden/Marble/Whatever – The Real Adult

Okay. You’re classy. We get it. You “have a bank account” and “know your credit score” and shit. Good for you. Aren’t you fucking fancy. Enjoy your investments. You disgust me.

No Phone Case – The Dangerous Renegade

You live on the edge, and it disturbs me. What type of Patrick Bateman-ass rich psycho are you that you can just let your naked phone float around in the world with nothing to protect it? What if you drop it? What if you stand up and forget it is in your lap and it falls on the ground? What if you’re drunk and it falls out of your pocket while you’re in the bathroom and lands in the toilet? THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN! Your devil-may-care attitude is affecting not only your life, but the life of your precious phone. You know what, that’s it. I’m calling the FBI. 

READ: The Best Portable Phone Chargers So You Can Stop Bothering The Bartender