Just as my colleague Alise Morales is the undisputed Doll Correspondent here at Betches, I am too dubbing myself the Senior Hard Seltzer Correspondent (though I fully admit that my articles are no American Girl Dolls Ranked By Betchiness, but I do my best). I’ve already broken down what your favorite White Claw flavor says about you, but why stop there? What if you’re not a White Claw Outlaw? What if you’re *gasp* a Truly Thot? A Bon & Viv kid? (I clearly made all these terms up.) Never fear, I’m here to tell you, like a drunk Buzzfeed but probably still more logical, what your favorite hard seltzer brand says about you.
People who drink White Claw go one of two ways: they either embrace the frat bro branding and are therefore wanted in several states for their petty crimes, or they are “old people” (read: over 30) who think they’re winding down but are in actuality blacking out on Tuesdays after chugging four of these in an hour. So basically, the same person just plus or minus a side of self-awareness. I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but I will: drinking these is not a valid defense in court. I will also let you in on a secret: everyone wants you to shut the f*ck up about these.
Unlike some of its bougier counterparts, Trulies are upfront about what they bring to the table, which they communicate through bold packaging and the fact that you can find them next to the checkout counter at your local Walgreen’s. The people who drink these are always yelling without intending to, and true (pun not intended) to the name, their main personality trait is that they consider themselves “brutally honest”, which we all know means “lacking tact”.
Let me guess: your name is Kaylee or Hayleigh or Mickayyleaighgh, you live in Buckhead, Atlanta or somewhere similarly preppy, and you have a designer Frankenstein of a dog. Yes, I know the outdoorsy design on the cans would lead one to believe I would go the “you actually enjoy hiking” route, but I’m not that literal. You see, these flavors are so bougie (“lemon agave hibiscus”? It’s lemonade, call it what it is) that the people who drink this are the people who barrel curl their hair for fun. I see your melon basil and while yes, you sound delicious, I’m not sure I can hang with your crowd considering I don’t have a trust fund. Also what the f*ck is a “yumberry”?
I’ve heard the strawberry flavor is actually good, but I have yet to try these considering I am over the age of 23. When it comes to Bud Light Seltzer, we can go one of a few ways. First, there’s the obvious: you just graduated college, are living in FiDi with six roommates and three fake walls (“The closet is a flex!”), and are biding your time until Jake’s Dilemma reopens. Then, there’s the other slightly obvious: you’re stuck in a miserable 9-to-5 working like, insurance or some sh*t, and just long for your college days (you probably also have a rack of Bud Light beer in your fridge and a lonely beer bong collecting dust in the corner). Or, finally: you’re just a regular guy/gal who isn’t into all these high-falutin trends like “adaptogens” and “açai” that you see on Instagram, and prefer the simple things in life.
The thing is that High Noon drinkers are better than everyone else, but they aren’t showy about it. In fact, some say they, like their go-to seltzer, are overly sweet. When High Noon drinkers discover a new trend, they won’t say anything when you hop on that bandwagon two years later and act like you invented it. You want to hate this person, but you can’t find a reason, and anyone you express your jealousy to will just think you’re the asshole.
Bon Viv is that girl nobody paid any respect to in high school, but once she got away from her small town, she was the f*cking Queen Bee in college. She left all those haters in the dust and had an instant come-up. The thing is, though, she still keeps it real. Yes she did get invited by a well-known fashion brand to a trip to Paris, yes she’ll still be at your 10-year reunion, no she is not interested in trying one of your “weird wrap things”.
These things pack 12% ABV per can (for reference, most of these other brands clock in around 5%). I mean this from the bottom of my heart: If you drink Four Loko seltzers, I am afraid of you. You have nothing to lose. You probably use your iPhone without a case, just out here raw dogging it. You may likely have a death wish. Just stay away from me.
Images: djile / Shutterstock