Okay, it’s finally Friday and I am way overdue for
six a gin and tonic since I haven’t had a drink in 5ever (Okay, since like, last Saturday but, who’s counting?). Here’s my struggle to which every slutty drunk can relate: Every time I go out and I know I’m not coming home (because it happens more often than not tbh), I feel like I look like Lindsay Lohan circa early 2000’s or a wannabe Damian Leigh in the morning. Amy Poehler, I’m pointing at you.
^With shitty sunglasses and makeup running down my face like psycho Taylor Swift and all. There is no in-between.
So, I’ve decided I need to ~fluff off the excess to find my center~ by wearing things that are both acceptable in a nightclub and for a V hungover Sunday morning walk back home.
Here is some outfit inspo for your next outing that says you’re totally DTF by night, but you’re a calm, cool, and collected woman by day. Your roommate, mother, and priest can thank me later!
1. Shirt Dress
It’s a shirt! It’s a dress! Nope, it’s a shirt dress which happens to be the most comfortable and sexiest thing your closet should contain by now.
Nothing says “I’m ready for you” like a round of tequila shots and a button-down dress that can easily be taken off later just as fast as it can be put on in the AM.
Pair it with strappy heels or wedges, a trendy crossbody, and throw on some sunglasses in there while you’re at it, because that’s going to be your disguise the next morning. Are you going to brunch? For a walk in the park? Coming back from your 3am booty call’s house? No one will ever know.
2. Basic Black Jumpsuit
Here’s the thing with jumpsuits: You can wear them to work, you can wear them to dinner, you can wear them to the bar, you can wear them to church if you wanted to. Basically, they’re fucking perfect because you can literally do anything with them. And wait, it gets better. You don’t even have to wear heels with it if you’re like me and can only last, like, two minutes without complaining.
Throw a denim or leather jacket over this for an edgy flair, slip on your flats, grab a choker, and call the girls because you are ready to par-taaaay and STILL look
good decent when you wake up.
3. The Cutest Effing Shirt Anyone Has Ever Seen
Grab the most showstopping shirt you own and wear it with those jeans your butt looks good in (yes, jeggings will work). Accessorize the shit out of it with those Y-Necklaces everyone is wearing nowadays and some Valentino Rockstud pump lookalikes.
Not only do you look hot AF to drop it low, but you’re even dressed remotely appropriate to GTFO when you wake up the next morning in someone else’s bed. What if you bump into someone you know when you shadily dip? Just tell them you’re going to church or synagogue or Pizza Hut or whatever your house of worship is. They won’t even ask you twice.
4. Semi-Slutty Maxi Dress
You can wear a maxi dress out to a bar without looking like Vanessa Hudgens at Coachella, but only if the dress is kind of bodycon without being in-your-face about it. Opt for a ribbed maxi dress in a casual material like jersey (in black, duh) for a going out look that says “sophisticated, with a hint of slutty” and a morning after look that says “I just like to dress cute for brunch because I don’t even eat that much.”
5. Small Wedges
Let’s get real. All the outfit planning in the world won’t help you if you’re walking down the street at 10am like Bambi in some 6-inch stilettos. Footwear is an often overlooked, but nonetheless essential, aspect of the hoe life. Opt for a small wedge, that way you won’t feel like a child—or worse, a nicegirl—at the bar, and you’ll still avoid the aforementioned Baby Deer Learning To Walk Syndrome.
Style these with your best “Do Not Approach Me” glare and you have my blessings. Go forth and thot.