My sister has been married for eight years, and during that time she’s had her packages delivered to our parents’ house — just so her husband doesn’t see them. They’re financially well-off, they both work, and she uses her own money on the many, many deliveries she gets, but she knows that if her husband sees the influx of almost daily-deliveries, it’ll just be fodder for a fight.
Back before she had kids, she was buying makeup, shoes, and jewelry, but since becoming a mom of two, the packages have been more along the lines of cute baby clothes, customized toddler tumblers, and of course, toys, toys, and more toys. Her husband’s argument is that she has enough stuff, and my sister’s argument is that that’s not possible for a woman (especially one who has two daughters). And so, she hides the packages and opens them up at our mom’s place — only to find a way to sneak them into her closet later on.
Apparently there’s a name for my sister’s spending habit: it’s called stealth shopping. The term, coined by The Wall Street Journal, is simply when someone buys something and keeps it hidden from their spouse or partner (aka, my sister). And according to the publication, the behavior is on the rise. A recent survey found 39% of married adults admitted that their partners don’t know everything about their spending. Another poll in October found that nearly two-thirds of adults who live with their S.O. hid purchases from their partners. And while I find my sister’s behavior funny, relationship expert Nicole Moore says it’s a little more complicated than that — especially depending on the situation.
“To those who engage in stealth shopping it may seem harmless but the truth is, stealth shopping can really damage your relationship,” Moore tells Betches. One of the biggest issues is that it involves some form of deception, withholding, or lying to your partner. Remember that October poll I referenced earlier? It was from a survey titled Financial Infidelity Report. Sheesh! So, is hiding financial purchases the new cheating?
“It can cause your partner to develop major trust issues if they find out what you’ve been hiding,” she explains. When a partner is able to hide something — even if it’s as small as a package — it could be an indication that they’re hiding something bigger (and no, not just a bigger package).
It gets especially complicated if your finances are struggling and the stealth shopping is going against whatever budget you and your partner set together. You’re supposed to be a team, so Moore explains that when you disregard a budget, your partner may feel like you’re not being a good teammate.
“Much of the potential negative impact of stealth shopping on your relationship comes down to how your partner views this habit,” Moore says. “If they see it as a slight annoyance or a silly quirk of yours but they don’t see the habit as damaging the household finances or being an indicator of your shortcomings as a partner, then the habit may truly be harmless.” But if you notice that your partner is genuinely hurt and offended by the lying aspect of stealth shopping, then you might be doing more damage than you think.
But Moore says that in my sister’s case, she doesn’t really see it as much of a problem. They’re financially comfortable, they’re open and honest about everything else, and she just does it to avoid arguments.
“The truth is, for many people shopping does bring happiness, even if it’s temporary and that positive mood boost from being able to purchase the items you want, even if you have to do it stealthily, can translate into you being in a way better mood for your partner,” Moore says. And I can personally attest that my sister is in a much better mood when she gets a notification that a new package has arrived to our parents’ house. “Everyone has different rules on what they deem as important to spend money on versus what feels frivolous and many times in relationships, partners’ money rules don’t line up,” Moore adds.
My brother-in-law has always been more frugal (my sister doesn’t like it when I call him cheap) even after he started making more money. So ordering things for fun doesn’t really compute in his brain. But he knows who he married! And even though he’s not seeing actual packages coming to the home, I’m sure he realizes when she’s wearing a new outfit, or putting the babies in a high-tech car seat.
“The truth is, stealth shopping isn’t always a negative or a positive for a relationship, it really depends on the dynamics of the relationship itself,” Moore says. “If your relationship is generally thriving and great in all ways — plus there’s plenty of money and your partner just doesn’t value shopping as much as you do – then you might be the perfect person to engage in stealth shopping happily with little to no consequence to your relationship.” But when it comes to almost any other case, your “stealth shopping” might just be a sign that there’s not much trust in your relationship.
