In today’s world there’s no shortage of batshit people doing batshit things in their quest to look younger and hotter than their younger sister that sells lip kits. Speaking of Kim Kardashian, in a moment of weakness, aka the three hours I spend at night
checking emails scrolling through my Snapchat feed until I pass out, I noticed Kimmy added facial cupping to her beauty regimen. Because I Keep Up am shameless, I immediately had to know everything. Why was she resorting to a more natural method for skin rejuvenation? Was it the robbery? Is that why she’s more “real”? Or did the family plastic surgeon finally draw a line in the Calabasas sand after working around the clock on them for 375 days of the year? So many questions.
But let’s start with the name, shall we? Facial cupping. It sounds like some sort of weird foreplay my overly sensitive ex-boyfriend from college would have been into.
But you probably heard of it back in the early 2000s—it’s what Jennifer Aniston was blaming all of her hickies on and we were all just like “Sure, Jan.” Well apparently we should have been paying attention because while we were out buying body glitter and clip-on hair extensions from Claire’s, Jen found the fountain of fucking youth.
What Is Facial Cupping:
Similar to body cupping, a phenomenon made popular (?) by famous
amphibian Olympian Michael Phelps, facial cupping sucks sections of your face to “improve skin circulation, encourage lymph drainage, tone tissue that is flaccid, and relax tightness.” Basically it gives your skin more glow than J Lo’s and makes your face look tighter than Megan Fox’s the moment she realized directors stopped casting her as “hot girl” in movies. So, like, sign me up.
How It Works:
Facial technicians drag a small suction cup up the side of your face, gliding the cup along your neck, cheekbone, and under-eye area. They then release the suction and repeat the process until you’re pretty. Users say it’s supposed to feel like either a massage or like someone’s sucking on your face. So there’s that to look forward to.
Will The Treatment Give You More Hickies Than A Fuckboy On Tinder?:
Nah, girl. Unlike body cupping, facial cupping doesn’t leave those giant red and purple bruises on your body, just #flawless skin. Sorry, you’re gonna have to start blaming those hickies on your “curling iron” again.
Who’s Doing It:
Turns out Jennifer Aniston and Kim Kardashian aren’t the only ones to
make a deal with the devil try out this beauty treatment. Gywneth Paltrow, Miranda Kerr, and Lindsey Ellingson (a model, apparently) are all hyping this product more than teenage girls with a new Justin Bieber album. I’m sure they’re only about it because it comes from an “ancient eastern medicine practice” and it’s, like, so natural because they’re natural girls with natural bodies and a natural fuck ton of money. Got it.
If you want to look like Miranda Kerr, then a visit to her face specialist will cost you $300+ a session. But if you’re
on a budget poor and want to pay half the price to look one-eighth as good then there are at-home kits for $26 where you can do it yourself. Whatever, there’s worse shit I’ve used my mother’s Amazon Prime account to purchase.
Just please, for the love of God, do NOT try a DIY version with a vaccuum cleaner. We all remember how the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge ended—let’s not have a repeat.