As a betch enters womanhood, she’ll quickly be taught a number of v crucial life lessons like, “If at first you don’t succeed, it’s probably not for you” and “maybe don’t chase your birth control with vodka.” But if there’s one piece of advice that shakes me down to my soulless core, it’d be to “never judge a book by its cover.” Blah blah, sue me. It’s 2017—if people weren’t begging to be judged by their physical appearance, Snapchat’s pretty filter wouldn’t be a thing, and I wouldn’t have felt the need to just drop $50 on Amanda Stanton’s flat belly tea, but that’s really none of your business.
The average fuckboy, on the other hand, for some reason feels the need to enhance his appearance with permanently conflicting artwork he describes as meaningful and totes one-of-a-kind, yet tell me why my last two Bumble matches just wasted an hour of my life yapping about their “sick-ass half sleeves” with that cloud filling shit. Every betch can agree that the douchiest body ink is like the “Despacito” of the tattoo industry—nobody knows what the fuck it means (not even Bieber himself), but I’m not gonna lie and say it wouldn’t get me into bed aka it’s the perfect fuckboy trap. A fuckboy comes in all different shapes and sizes, but their tattoos don’t, which is why ranking these distinctive tattoos from “u up?” to “come on, just one nude”, was the easiest effing thing I’ve ever done.
8. The Animal
This guy is your typical regulation hottie, but don’t let his lion head meaning “bearer of the family” fool you into thinking he’s “family man material”. He’s the type of fuckboy who wants you to ask about him, so he took his mom to get his first tattoo of a scorpion or some shit. The prevalence of scorpions as fuckboy skin décor isn’t surprising considering scorpions are at the top of the fuckboy food chain in the animal kingdom with their ideal mating ritual being a seductive sex dance, like the way he awkwardly air-humps toward you when “Pony” comes on before running away to ghost you like a little bitch.
Sure he’s fun to hang out with, but this scrub is exactly what TLC warned us about. He loves to tell the story about his dumb fucking stick figure tattooed on his ass, courtesy of his buddy “Manny” during that one drunken night in high school. He’s always kicking back with his bros, but he’s the type of fuckboy who’ll never introduce you to them because “we never said we were dating” or whatever. After a few “hangs” of throwing back Bud Lights and maybe if you’re lucky, some watered down Jack and Cokes, you’ll wake up in his 2012 Sigma Nu Dodgeball Champ tee, only to realize you’re at his parents’ house.
6. Sports Team
Brownie points to this guy for showing serious commitment. Fuckboy points to this guy for showing commitment to anything but you. This dude’s Instagram bio screams “ball is life” and he took every opportunity to craft his fantasy league name into some sexist innuendo like “Forsett Down Her Throat”. His team that he proudly has branded on his body hasn’t even come close to winning the finals in like, 17 years. He’s also the type of fuckboy that already plans to ditch your grandma’s funeral because Crabtree’s about to take his boys home. And don’t even think about putting in your two cents on your mediocre sports knowledge: “Oh yeah? Name one player.” The one who married Ciara, fucking duh.
5. Birth Year/“Est. IDGAF”
There is literally NO point in tattooing the year you were born on your body besides the purpose of waiting like 4 less minutes in the passport line. A fuckboy who refers to his birth year as an “establishment” is the type of guy growing up whose mom used to frame his honorable mention ribbons. His wardrobe consists of gray sweatpants and Nike socks and his Tinder profile reads “Ask if you really wanna know”. Yeah that’s a no from me, dawg… But mostly I’m just curious as to what betch in their right fucking mind has time to do that math.
4. Set of Lips
I can’t even believe I’m including this because it seems like it’d be so obvious, but I can’t discredit a Grade-A fuckboy who walks around with a set of pink lips on his neck. This guy basically thinks he’s sex on a stick and unabashedly admits that he thinks what Chris Brown did “wasn’t like that bad.” He goes around bragging about how shitty he treats women, and was somehow misinformed that the majority of the female species lives for doggy style. Also, showing any tattoo from the neck up is basically asking every employer to “keep your resume on file until something opens up.” That’s professional talk for “lol fat chance”.
3. “Only God Can Judge Me”
Ok, calm the fuck down Tupac. Ironically enough, the phrase “Only God Can Judge Me” is generally printed in sacred scripture on the body of a fuckboy who is the farthest thing from a disciple of God. I’m sorry, but the prayer hands in your most used emoji index does not constitute as bible study. This guy’s default pic is a photo with his mom at her 60th bday, but in most cases of classic fuckboyery, this biblical bullshit is just a sad attempt to justify his shitty actions like preying on his 14-year-old neighbor and stealing money from his mom’s purse. Also, the bible condemns tattoos. Read a fucking book.
2. Tribal Pattern
This fuckboy is just straight-up annoying AF and hasn’t left the gym (or his fraternity) since 2006. He walks around flaunting a tribal pattern from the Ndebele Tribe on his shoulder, and his claim to fame was that one time on spring break when he beer bonged a Muscle Milk and nobody was even the slightest bit impressed. He’s the type of guy you knew in college who posted pics with every sorority girl, yet nobody actually saw him date anyone. He’s also not Samoan nor possesses even a hint of brown, and his Crossfit dead lift videos have more hashtags than actual likes as a means to overcompensate for his microdick. So unless you’re the 340-pound spam slanger dude in 50 First Dates, the tribe has spoken.
1. Last Name
Perhaps found on the biggest narc known to mankind, the origin of the last name tattoo dates all the way back to the prehistoric fuckboy era of Ryan Sheckler. First off, skateboarding isn’t even a real sport, so idk why he felt the need to blast his last name across his back like a fucking jersey. Clearly this type of dude had major daddy issues growing up, as seen in Life of Ryan, where dad only came back into his life when he realized his teen pregnancy finally paid off, so maybe the last name was some sort of abandonment issue. But regardless, you’ll have a hard time convincing this guy of anything, like the fact that it’s no longer cool to keep the gold sticker in mint condition on his flat-brimmed hat. He’s also the type of fuckboy who says he prefers chicks with no makeup, but will tell you “you look tired” when you’re not wearing any. So thanks for the permanent reminder in super-bro Ed Hardy scripture that I’d rather take a pencil to my eyeball than ever think about taking that name. #SomeRagrets
What type of fuckboy should you date based on your horoscope? Find out here!