Welcome to the brand-new Betches. New look, same us.

What His Drink Choice Says About What Kind Of Fuckboy He is

By Betchy Crocker
Mascot

Share this sh*t

Heading to a bar with someone you’ve been on less than two dates with can be … eye opening. Without having to speak a word, a betch should be able to read subtle ques and signs which point to whether you have a pro, a bro, or a fucking dud. To save you time from being wasted and hair from being torn out in a not-meant-to-be relationship, here are what your guy’s drink order says about him.

1. Gin and Tonic

He probably has money and is a little boring. He also is pretty even-keeled and isn’t likely to want to be spontaneous, and prefers staying in and watching Netflix to going out. Enjoy a boring, possibly rich life. Alternatively, he might just be your grandpa.

2. Craft Beer

He loves Obama, loves talking to literally everyone, is intellectual, and can be a fucking pain. Like, if you’re into outdoor activities and discussing politics, go for it—but also, we don’t really know why you’re here. And it goes without saying, but he’s definitely a fucking hipster. Do not proceed unless you’re fine with being second to this guy’s food Instagram and his Bernie 2020 Facebook page.

3. Martini

He’s showing he’s in charge and attempting to be fancy. He’s likely to be more into commitment and real relationships. Shit, if he goes so far as to make it a gin martini with a specific gin, twist, etc.—sink your claws in. He’s also good in bed because he’s likely studied every single James Bond movie, so, win.

James Bond

4. Margarita

He loves the beach and partying literally all the time, just like you. He’s great for a fling and for heading to a summer concert series and rolling with. However, a steady soulmate he is not—he’s probably got some perplexingly feminism mannerisms to go along with his girly-ass drink order. Just beware.

5. Old Fashioned

If it’s a guy in his 20s, he probably idolizes Don Draper and is gearing up to take over his dad’s company in a few years. Do not go out with this dude—he’ll probably initiate conversation by “negging” you and thinks Brock Turner is “just misunderstood.” However, if he IS actually an older dude, he probably is a Don Draper type, and we say proceed. Then again, Don Draper was a huge fuckboy—fuckman?—so like, IDK. I know whiskey is supposed to be the “manly” drink and all, but proceed with caution.

6. Jager Anything

If any guy is out there still ordering Jager at a bar, he’s stuck in 2009. He probably follows The Situation on Instagram for fitness tips and laments the day when gelling your hair vertically stopped being cool. He is probably from Staten Island or Jersey or some other place you never want to step foot in. I shouldn’t have to say it, but DO NOT TAKE HIM HOME. If you do, you may never get the smell of Axe out of your sheets.

Jersey Shore

7. Wine

He’s mature but kind of a pussy. He has his go-to’s—in this case, wine—and he sticks with them. He’s confident and can probably discuss great stock options with you, but, yah, snore. If he orders white wine, he’s either gay or European.

8. Shots

If your date starts ordering fucking shots, he’s either a) still in college b) an alcoholic, or c) loves the Fast and Furious franchise. Run. He also probably loves Express Men and hair gel.

9. Domestic Beer

Meh. He’s just a dude. He’s not a big fan of branching out, he fucking loves football, and has never eaten Indian food. He also thinks salads are weird and worships steak.

Meh

10. Rum drinks

Take him on vacay to Punta Cana and he’ll be right at home. If he’s drinking shit like the Captain or Bacardi with cola, he’s kind of sheltered and never grew out of his college days. He also may be your creepy uncle. However, if he’s asking for muddled lime with his Mount Gay’s or Gosling’s, he’s manly and worldly. He’s also kind of a know-it-all, but if you enjoy listening more than talking, he’s a good catch.