We’re Stuck In A Three-Way: Weekly Horoscopes May 28-31

We’re stuck in a three-way, everyone, and not the kind you’re thinking of. This week Mercury, Neptune, and Jupiter are forming a T in the stars, meaning we’re all going to be pulled in a lot of different directions. Great. It takes me ten years to make a decision when I’m not feeling the influence of three planets. What am I supposed to do now? Best of luck this week, because with this planetary situation, it looks like you’re going to need it.


You need to take about a hundred steps back before judging anybody this week. The planetary trio of Mercury, Jupiter, and Neptune is clouding your usually impeccable intuition, so don’t be afraid to run any snap judgments through your group chat. Was Hannah from Accounting really being rude at the morning meeting, or are you just hangry? These are questions you should ask yourself.


You’re making money moves this week, Taurus. It’s time to become the boss bitch you’ve always dreamed of becoming. But before you can be a boss bitch, you must be a bored bitch and take a fine-toothed comb to that weekly budget. What luxuries stay in your life (bath bombs), what excesses need to go (weekly Reiki healing with Jasper), and what gets saved for emergency scenarios, like a breakup or when the show you’ve been binging is out of episodes (those fancy pedicures with the essential oils)? Only you know the answer.


It’s time to stop being polite and start getting real, Gemini. Mercury (your ruling planet) is in your sign all damn week, which means your ability to advocate for yourself is super-charged. You know that situation at work you’ve been biting your tongue about all month? Yeah, that ends now. We’re not saying go full Real Housewives on your coworkers and start flipping tables, but setting aside time to talk to your boss/friend/significant other/weird Uncle Rick about what’s bothering you can’t hurt.


Saying no will not be your strong suit this week as Mercury, Neptune, and Jupiter all work together to make your willpower low. Rude of them, but whatever, you’ve got this. Keep connected with your most trusted friend/adviser (read: mom) and enlist them to help you say no to whatever it is you need to say no to, whether it be an ex’s “U up?” text or the 11pm urge to eat Nutella straight from the jar.


It’s time to check in with your squad, Leo. How’s everybody doing? Did you accidentally step on somebody’s toes at brunch and not even realize? You’ve been so on your #careergoals lately you may find your #squadgoals in need of repair. It’s okay. It’s nothing a little wine-and-Robyn night can’t immediately smooth over.


You’re still struggling with the whole “asking people for help” thing, Virgo, but luckily the Mercury-Neptune-Jupiter trio might be just the boost you need. You’re the exact right combo of communicative and sensitive that could lead to some serious breakthroughs in the vulnerability department. Just channel your inner Brené Brown and you’ve got this.


It’s time for a reality check, Libra. Would it be nice to take a luxury cruise to Ibiza this summer? Sure. Is that a reasonable financial goal for the next 30 days? Probs not. Not trying to be a buzzkill, but by getting rid of your less realistic goals (Beyoncé thighs by next Thursday), you can start to set and enjoy some more realistic ones (going to that Beyoncé dance fitness class you’ve been meaning to try).


*Sigh* Oh, Scorpio. There’s a difference between something that feels good, and something that is actually good for you. If there wasn’t, we’d all just stay in bed eating bacon mac and cheese all day. I mean sure, that *sounds* amazing, but in reality that’s just a recipe for loneliness and indigestion. The same thing goes for your social life.


You know that person in your head that’s always telling you when something seems off? The one who can be annoying at times but always knows who the killer in every true crime documentary is before they’re revealed? Yeah, you’re gonna want to listen to them this week. If you have a feeling an event or activity won’t be your style, say no now instead of forcing yourself to go and then having to tell yourself “I told you so” later.


Brace yourself for some difficult critiques this week, Capricorn. Whether it be at work, your social life, or your love life, be open to the (gentle) criticism of the people who love you. Don’t freak out. Just put on your big girl boots and take the suggestion. You can take your frustration about it out on a personal pizza later.


It’s time to back up your words with action, Aquarius. You’ve been talking a big game for weeks, but now it’s time to start making sh*t happen. That podcast you’ve been meaning to start? Record it. The proposal you’ve been meaning to show your boss? Set up the meeting. The bottle of chardonnay you’ve been meaning to finish? You get the idea…


You can’t do everything for everyone all the time, Pisces! Think about all the time you spend making other people feel good, then compare that to all the time you do it for yourself. See the problem? Take some time this week to engage in the self care ritual of your choosing, whether it be an entire spa weekend or just sitting on the couch and watching Game of Thrones again from the beginning.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.