Welcome To Your Quarter-Moon Crisis: Weekly Horoscopes November 4-8

Yes, Mercury is still in retrograde and yes, that is a valid excuse for calling out of work, but fear not! This week brings us a quarter moon in Aquarius and some much needed stabilizing energy for this topsy-turvy retrograde world. Now is the perfect time to restore some much-needed balance to your life, even if you’re one of those people who hears the word “stable” and is like, “What? Who is that? Is stable a carb?” Looking at you, Scorpios.


How well do you play with others, Aries? You know what, don’t even answer that. This week is the perfect time to reassess how you work in groups. Sure, group projects are annoying as f*ck (What is this? Middle school?), but they’re also an essential part of life. Focus this week on really listening when you’re in a group setting, and actually taking other people’s ideas into account. Sure, 99.9% of the sh*t Karen from Accounting says is useless garbage, but that other .1% could be exactly what you needed to take your next project across the finish line.


How are those career goals, Taurus? Have they changed? Is there some sh*t you can let go? As this year comes to a close, now is a perfect time to take a look at your goals and see what, if anything, needs adjustment. Maybe a promotion you’ve been vying for all year has lost some of its shine, or a graduate program you’ve been busting your ass to prep for is no longer top of mind. That’s totally fine! Goals and priorities shift all the time. Like how when you were six you wanted to be a princess/fashion designer, but now you’ve seen enough movies to know that life would be extremely stressful.


This week, Gemini, you’re tap water—aka, completely unfiltered. And with Mercury already in retrograde, this can be a pretty dangerous combo. Your usual gift for gab combined with this outspokenness means you could be in danger of putting your foot in your mouth in the worst way. Keep an extra close eye on your communications this week (aka make sure you’re not sending that shady text about Ashley to Ashley) and if all else fails, vent your feelings in the group chat. It’s the best way to avoid accidentally-on-purpose insulting your coworker’s child’s art while they’re standing right behind you.


Ow owwww, Cancer! This week, the Moon’s erotic energy is coming (get it?) for you, and you don’t want to let that sh*t go to waste. Turn the lights down low, invest in a high-end water-based lubricant, and be sure your roommates are all up to speed on what a sock around your bedroom doorknob means. Most importantly, whether you’re with a long-term partner or somebody new, tear down that protective shell so that you can really let loose in the bedroom. Not saying you need to become a porn star overnight, but variety is the spice of life and this is the week to get spicy!


Keep your guard up, Leo. This week, scammers abound and you might find out that someone close to you is trying to take you for a ride. And not the fun kind with weed. Your naturally people-pleasing sign loves to be liked, but make sure those around you aren’t using that quality to manipulate you into doing some sh*t you don’t want to do. Like, do we really believe Rachel forgot her wallet and needs you to cover her for happy hour again? Oh, and her promise to Venmo you for it later? Fat f*cking chance.


Your health-conscious tendencies are turned up to 11 this week, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself pulled toward starting a plant-based diet, or at least trying an impossible burger. This is the time to finish up all those annual doctor’s appointments, stock up on nourishing comfort foods, and to actually get that flu shot! Herd immunity…it’s all the rage these days! Or at least, it should be.


Valentine’s Day has come early for you, Libra, and for once changes in your love life are going to be for the better. Now is not the time to settle for a guy just because he is tall or has a (part-time) job. Now is the time to hone in on what you really want in a partner (a bedframe, a savings account, owns a hairbrush, etc…) and you might be surprised to find someone who fits that description standing right in front of you! Or on Ship. Either works.


Is this the 1950s? Because you’re feeling domestic as f*ck this week, Scorpio. If you haven’t taken the time to pull your sweaters out of storage, crank the thermostat, and otherwise fall-ify your living space, now is the time. This is also a great week to fire up the old slow cooker and commit yourself to seven hours of watching chili become chili. Bonus points if you pair that with a large bottle of wine you finish 100% by yourself.


Take a good hard look at your friend group, Sagittarius. Who is real, and who is fake? Just as the trees are shedding those annoying, crusty leaves, you need to shed those annoying, crusty people who are draining your beautiful branches. As hard as it might seem, you know in your heart which friends are only there for your iPhone 11 camera, and which friends would help you commit low-level crimes without asking too many questions. Keep the real ones close, and let the fake friends live their sad-ass one-camera life without you.


And now for one of Capricorns’ favorite activities…financial planning! The Moon is providing the stabilizing force you need to really get your finances on track, and lucky for you, you live for that sh*t. Take a look not only at your budget, but at your salary. How can you take your checking account to the next level? Are you being paid what you deserve? What are “stocks”? Answer these questions by 2020, and you could be Forbes’ next self-made billionaire by 2021. Kylie Jenner, we’re coming for you!


Set your phone to do not disturb now, Aquarius, because you’re going to be inundated with requests to hang this week. You’re just that popular. But lucky for you, a stable Moon in your sign means you’re also going to be able to determine which invites are worth your time, and which get left on read. Sure, planning a different event for every night of the week sounds fun on Monday morning, but come Thursday you’ll be running on fumes, and its not even the weekend yet. Remember Aquarius, sleep is important. Like, vital.


Pay close attention to your emotions this week, Pisces, because they’re going to tell you something. Your usually good intuition is particularly on-point right now, so the vibes you get from different people, places, and situations should not be ignored. Dude at the bar giving you serious creeper vibes? Stay the f*ck away. New girl at work looking like she might Single White Female you? Do not let her know where you live. You’ll thank yourself later when either or both of them end up the subject of the next Netflix true crime docuseries.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.