All right, you degenerates, we’ve made it to another Vanderpump Rules. Last week’s episode confirmed what we already knew:
Khloé Kardashian is pregnant Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith.
This week opens with a hungover spa day with Stassi and Brittany. Going on a couple’s spa day with your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend: only on Vanderpump Rules.
Stassi: I’m not gonna tell you you can’t get back together with Jax, but you can’t get back together with Jax.
Jax, Sandoval and … James??? WTF??? are at a bar during the day with a bartender who kind of looks suspiciously like Shay. That’s weird. I wish I grabbed a screenshot in time, but I didn’t, so hopefully somebody out there thought the same thing.
Jax tells Tom and James that he and Brittany had hate sex. Meanwhile Tom and Ariana haven’t had sex in like, two months. Damn, is that what the future holds for me if I get into a relationship?
*Cut to, James Kennedy*: Is that what the future holds for me?
James and I are kindred spirits. Not sure how to feel about that.
Sandoval: I want to smell her. I want to see her face. I want to watch her orgasm.
I’m calling the police before Sandoval ends up on the news for wearing Ariana’s skin.
Schwartz shows up to Pump—or Sur, IDK anymore—to give Lisa and Ken flowers and one singular Mylar balloon.
Schwartz: I just wanted to come in on behalf of both of us and apologize.
Also Schwartz: *Shows up alone*
Okay so Lisa is like “Ken and I are gonna finance this whole thing and all I need from the Toms is positivity and a good attitude.” Can I have a job with Lisa? I’d like a few free handouts.
At the Bubbas’ (I hate that I’m calling them that, but whatever), Katie is telling Tom that all the girls are basically having a “Fuck Jax” party at Brittany’s. Also I’m still not over Katie’s matching bubblegum pink dress and lipstick. Katie needs new friends, because friends don’t let friends match their lipstick to their dress. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.
Tom Sandoval shows up and FRENCH KISSES THE DOG.
Hello, 911? Yes, I’d like to report an emergency.
Honestly, not much to report about this conversation except the same re-hashing about how Sandoval needs to put his pride aside before he blows the best opportunity these people have ever had.
Cut to… Ariana has gone full-on horse girl. So that’s fun. Also, am I the only person noticing that she has definitely gotten botox? It’s not as noticeable as like, Scheana’s, but I’m still picking up on it.
Ariana takes a mild tumble off the horse, and she plays it up afterwards like she’s Christopher Reeve. Calm down, it was not that deep.
Ariana: Yeah, I bailed but yeah, I’m gonna get right back on.
After the commercial break, Raquel shows up to Lisa’s puppy place (IDK what this place is called, whatever), and she’s wearing pants! Except she has like, her boobs out and is wearing a onesie with a built-in choker. *face palm* I mean I guess I can’t hate on Raquel for not knowing how to dress for a job interview when none of the people on this show have ever held a real job. Then again, Google exists, so ???
James: Raquel plays with puppies when she gets anxious, I smoke weed. Tomayto tomahto.
James is me, being like “I don’t really drink that much anymore” *cut to* Champagne to the face, taking shots out of a pint glass.
Ariana is really trying to make her relationship with this fucking horse into a dramatic storyline. “Walter and I just don’t have trust yet”—you’re talking about a domesticated animal whose job is to let you sit on its back, not your boyfriend.
While watching Ariana’s race, Sandoval starts venting to Ariana’s brother about their lack of sex life. WTF??? If my sister’s boyfriend (or brother’s girlfriend…) told me that they weren’t having sex with my sibling I would probably start orchestrating a breakup right there and then. Sandoval has gone full psychopath.
Sandoval: I wouldn’t cheat on Ariana, but like, could you blame me if we haven’t had sex in a year if I go and have sex with someone else?
YES. Oh my god, YES. That’s the whole fucking thing with monogamy. You want to marry this woman and you’re thinking of cheating after two months of no action? What about if she gets pregnant? Or sick? I hate these people. I’ve had yeast infections longer than Sandoval’s dry spell.
Ariana wins and pets Walter and says, “I knew we did good.” Um, you just gonna act like you weren’t out here trash talking my homie Walter two seconds ago? I will not stand for this. I want Walter to know he’s still got hitters out here.
Jax is upset that Brittany’s friends are throwing her a “Fuck Jax” party.
Jax: Friends don’t do shit like this.
Okay but friends also don’t fuck their friends’ girlfriends on their couch while their friends are asleep in the next room.
Honestly Jax is the worst kind of manipulator because he’s not even smart enough to be conscious of the fact that he’s manipulating. Brittany: You in danger, girl.
Peter makes his second appearance of the season, and who the hell is this regulation hottie behind the bar?? I will be spending the rest of my evening stalking this guy in preparation of sliding into his DMs. Good lawd.
I can’t even concentrate on what the guys are saying because Peter is out here looking like a snack. Look out Peter Kraus, there’s another snack-like Peter on reality TV. Ok, nvm, I don’t know if he’s a full-on snack. But maybe like, an amuse-bouche? One hors-d’oeuvre?
I guess we’re just gonna go scene by scene between the girls’ party and the guys’ outing. Stay with me here.
Schwartz: The girls have established the ultimate Fuck Jax espionage team.
This beats the Vagina Mafia. This is fucking incredible. Coming soon to Betches: Which VPR espionage member are you? I am Kristen. Kristen is me.
Whoever created all these graphics deserves an Emmy.
So the girls are still trying to make Witches of WeHo happen, which TBH I thought was just a nickname the people on Reddit gave them.
Stassi: We don’t want to hurt Jax in a physical way, we just want to put a spell on him.
I’m honestly disappointed because I was hoping Stassi would like, try to wrap a dildo in acid and shove it up his asshole. You know, just totally making up an example here.
Brittany: As a good Christian woman I wouldn’t be into black magic, but I think after what Jax did to me, even Jesus himself would make that exception.
Oh yeah, that’s right there in Luke 17:38. “Thou shalt not practice black magic unless thy boyfriend cheated on thee, in which case it’s Gucci.”
Alright so at SUR, Lala shows up and Lisa does the James Kennedy “Laaalaaa” voice. For a depiction of what I’m talking about, listen to our podcast episode from last week.
Lala has shown up to ask for her job back, because as she puts it, “I have a man, but my man is not an ATM machine.” But he is a dealer of Range Rovers, apparently, so you can see why we’re skeptical, no?
Lisa gives her the job back. Again, you get in with Lisa Vanderpump one time and you could like, murder one of her puppies and she’d still give you a job back. Job security like that is invaluable in this current market. I gotta move to LA.
At the guys’ dinner, the guys give Jax a chastity cock ring. I know this is a joke but honestly……that is a good idea.
At the girls’, Brittany is like “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” While Scheana is saying, “Whatever you decide we’ll support you,” Ariana says “Is Jax telling you it was a one-time thing? Because it wasn’t.” Damn bitch, read the room.
Ariana: Jax is gonna do this thing where he’s like, ‘Well what’s the difference? Once, twice? Ten times? What’s the difference?’
Hahahaha so true.
Brittany calls Jax on a three-way call attack, pretending that Faith is in the room while she calls Jax to confront him about him allegedly fucking Faith more than once.
Jax: What does it matter if I did it two or three times? Two, three, four, 10 times—it doesn’t make a difference!
Wow Ariana is amazing. Maybe I will give her that award.
Also Jax: I didn’t fucking do anything! SHUT UP!!!
So, I’m confused. Is it “What’s the difference between once and 10 times” or “nothing happened”? Because you can’t have it both ways, Jax.
Jax is like “Brittany thinks I fucked Faith more than once, can you believe that?”
Everyone: Uh, yeah.
Jax is literally acting like someone is depriving him of his human rights by being told he can’t come back to his apartment for one fucking night. The male entitlement is so strong.
Overall this episode was like, kind of boring. It’s like, if this were season one this might have been good drama. But now? We all know Jax cheated. None of us are surprised that he would cheat more than once—actually, I would have been more shocked if it had only been the one time. Bravo really needs to get a new shtick, because I do not like fucking up my sleep cycle for this predictable shit. Yes, my sleep cycle gets fucked up if I go to bed at 10pm. Yes, I’m 80 years old. That’s all the time I have for questions today.