We’re back at the second part of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. I’d like to state again for the record that starting this shit at 8pm is entirely too early. Come on Andy, you of all people should know I had a seder to be at and those things never end before 8pm.
What if I just skipped to Nikolai’s section and only recapped that?
Jax got botox the day before the reunion. Lisa’s like “why would you get botox the day before when it takes 3 days to kick in?”
Jax: There are rules to this?
Lisa: The rules of botox are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.
I can’t believe that with all the times Jax has gotten plastic surgery he doesn’t know that there are rules.
James was fired because he was drinking? Groundbreaking.
Andy asks Lisa if the door is open again and Lisa’s like “I can’t say it’s closed” aka “IDK man my show needs ratings.”
Andy asks James to spin at his birthday party and James is taking it really seriously. It’s like when you network with girls in the bathroom and you know one of them is taking you super seriously but you never actually intended to get happy hour drinks with her and you’re kind of embarrassed for her that she thinks it’s really going to happen.
THANK YOU ANDY for making fun of them for not knowing what a clam bake is. Take that, random commenter who called me a bitch.
Kristen: If you Google it in the Urban Dictionary it’s smoking weed in a car with clams.
Well that’s because you think Google and Urban Dictionary are synonymous.
Scheana is getting mad at them for ganging up on her when she was
being lame refusing to eat/drink anything because she “doesn’t drink anything with sugar” … if that’s the case you should probe not drink any alcohol at all?
Scheana’s also like “you guys are personally victimizing me because I work hard for my flat stomach” … we called it.
Andy calls Lala out for ghosting on the trip and Lala’s like “I went into full-on panic attack mode.”
Lala: My anxiety was just through the roof.
Sandoval: I highly doubt that’s the real reason.
Sandoval is like “was somebody in town?” Lala defends her choice to go to the Beverly Hills hotel and is like “A weekend in the BH will cure all your anxiety.” And that’s the doctor-approved treatment.
Andy asks Lala where she gets all her money.
Lala: My mom pays my rent. My mom takes care of my bills. I have the Range Rover now. — way to dodge that question.
Andy: I don’t wanna beat around the bush. Were you dating a married man?
Lala: No and no one is ever going to get the answer they want.
Andy: Are you dating the same person you were that summer that all the ladies heard about?
Lala: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
Stassi: You can’t come onto the show and be our friends if you don’t want to share things with us.
Lisa: But you never talked about your relationship with Patrick.
Lala: I don’t have the right to speak about someone else’s life on national television when they didn’t sign up for it.
Dude honestly, I completely agree. Why is no one, not even Andy, with her on this?
Lala: It’s done. Stop being a bully. Knock it off. Stop being a mean girl. Stop it!
Sandoval is like “it’s not fair that you’re on the show and you don’t have to talk about your relationships when we all do.” And that’s bullshit because you all signed up for it. Lala’s married boyfriend did not.
Kristen calls James easy to manipulate and James is like “what does that mean” and Kristen is like “It means you are easy to manipulate.”
Lala apparently gives people NDAs to sign because one of her friends Snapchatted her high and naked in a bathroom. Everyone, even Andy, is like “you’re not an A-list celebrity come the fuck on.”
Brittany: But if you’re talking about it now what does the NDA or NBA or NRA even mean?
Stassi: I’m not saying Ariana signed the NDA.
Ariana earlier: I didn’t sign it.
Stassi earlier: Yes you did!
Honestly how big are your balls that you are going to deny shit you said ON CAMERA? God, they are all sociopaths.
Lala is leaving and now they’re all nice to her, lol. Schwartz is like “I’m sorry we were never friends. And I’m sorry I told everyone about the time you got diarrhea in Barnes and Noble. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.”
Ugh I hate that Ariana and Tom are doing the cocktail book together. It just goes to show that if a man is persistent enough, he’ll get the chance to take a qualified woman’s job without having to do any of the hard work.
Sandoval never thought he’d get married to Kristen. That’s awkward.
Andy asks the question we were all asking: Why would Brittany bring her mom to a roast of Jax? Her answer is “well we didn’t wanna leave her at home alone” because it’s not like she’s a grown-ass woman in a huge city like LA.
Andy brings up the Jax kissing a guy thing. Andy says Brittany’s mom caught a lot of flak for her homophobic comments.
Brittany: You guys all know my mom, you know she’s cool and not homophobic at all. She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met in my entire life.
^Every white person when denying that they’re a bigot.
Jax: You have to understand where she’s from. It’s a very different world where she lives. — not an excuse. Sorry, Trump supporters.
Ugh and here we go, this is where we fit in the promo for Jax and Brittany’s spin-off.
YES I am glad to see that Brittany’s mom has not been exposed to the wonders/normalcy of a matte, non-metallic lip.
YES KING NIKOLAI IS BACK.
Nikolai was sad when Stassi and Patrick broke up. “Stassi just so you know you can’t always get what you want in life and maybe this is why you broke up with three boyfriends.”
Nikolai leaves everyone with this advice:
To Schwartz: You shouldn’t call girls the B-word. Schwartz: I’m trying! Nikolai: Try harder. —Nikolai is me every time my friend texts that fuckboy she said she wasn’t gonna text.
To Katie: Lower it down on the drinking so you don’t fight with people and you can have more friends.
Katie, keep in mind that a 12-YEAR-OLD just told you you have a drinking problem. HE IS 12.
To Jax: You are gonna just be a drunk guy sitting in life only thinking about having sex with girls.
Ariana: Think about other people because otherwise you’re gonna have no friends. At least you have Scheana.
Scheana: There’s no picking a side. Maybe all you guys should start agreeing.
Brittany: There’s no problem with her.
To Lisa: Keep it up in… the business.
Katie calls her alcoholism “a convenient narrative.” One that she has not chosen to be a part of since 2009.
Scheana: Every single person on this show has said something about your drinking. —Literally. Even, again, the prepubescent boy.
Katie: That is just foul.
But it’s true. IT’S TRUE. It’s not mean if it’s literally a fact!
The whole Katie/Scheana drama gets rehashed.
Oh so now Scheana is all educated on alcoholism and is gonna school all of them on the difference between alcoholism and having a drinking problem.
Schwartz: That’s fair.
Katie: I don’t have a problem.
Andy brings up the whole “why don’t Ariana and Stassi like each other” thing.
Ariana: She manipulates people time and time again.
Stassi: That is so… not what we’re talking about right now.
Is Katie really getting mad at Ariana for “refusing to get to know Stassi” and “writing her off” … why do I feel like YOU ALL did EXACTLY that to someone else on this show? Someone whose name is Lala?
Stassi tries to be like “If anybody’s manipulating anyone it’s you two!” Nice try Stassi, but no.
Stassi: I’m never the victim. I’m always the bully.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by Stassi Schroeder.
And that’s a wrap for this week. Next week is gonna be lit, stay tuned.