We’re only on week 8 of Vanderpump Rules, and I don’t know about you guys, but I think I’ve aged approximately 75 years. Serious question, is following this show now considered a form of masochism? Because if so, I think that’s my kink. *Adds to dating app profile*
Last week was basically all about the
pasta pastor, and Jax and Brittany’s lame attempts to avoid talking about him so as not to look bad on camera. Judging by Reddit, Twitter, and the mandatory survey I make all my friends take after watching each episode, that strategy backfired on them big time. We ended the episode with Brittany screaming at Sandoval (because he dared question Jax and Brittany’s motives for waiting to act for so long) and threatening to knock him out. (Or, I guess if you want to get technical, begging Jax to knock him out.) Now, I don’t advocate for violence, but I would love to see Brittany and Sandoval have a full-on brawl. There would be hair extensions and gel everywhere. In all honesty, I think Sandoval would win, if only because his hair and skin would be so oiled-up, Brittany wouldn’t be able to get a hold of him.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself, and I don’t want this to turn into a Brian Moylan-esque fan fic.
At Katie and Tom’s, they have gotten a lizard that they have aptly named… dog. For some reason, this feels like the most Schwartzy thing ever. They’re sh*t talking Sandoval for trying to “act woke” as if they all weren’t doing that earlier last episode. At least when Sandoval acts woke, he does it in public where he can actually maybe do something, versus just pretending to be woke in private for the cameras!
Jax is fully ready to kick Sandoval out of his wedding party because Sandoval hasn’t called him to apologize for… asking a question that caused Jax to go into a rage spiral. Jax having full-on coke-rage-eyes while trying to insist he’s “not mad about it” is pretty f*cking hilarious, though.
Meanwhile, Sandoval and Ariana are over at their house pow-wowing. I don’t really care about his methods, I’m still Team Sandoval. Ariana shades Brittany for claiming she lives in a fairytale world, when she doesn’t know what princess tries to encourage the groom to commit aggravated assault. Maybe not in any of the Disney franchises, but probably the trailer park princesses Brittany grew up watching. Just kidding! Was that too far?
Eek, speaking of trailer park soulmates, Lala and Randall are renovating their home. I’ve also noticed that Lala owns three shirts, and they all consist of giant screen-prints of her face on them. Well, there’s something to be said for consistency.
Randall is on camera for the first time, and I’ve gotta say I did not really expect his voice to be like that. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect it to be… normal. (Does anyone think he kind of sounds like Andy Cohen? No? Just me?) Also, I do not want to hear Randall’s opinion on this feud. This is ridiculous. It would be like me commenting on the goings-on at my local high school.
At Villa Rosa, Brett comes over to train Lisa, but she didn’t manage to tell him that her “foot kind of hurts” so she won’t be training (me thinking of bullsh*t excuses to avoid playing soccer in summer camp). Lisa waiting until Brett shows up at her house to train her, only to tell him she can’t train that day, is apparently not an abnormal occurrence for Brett. Is anyone else going to comment on the borderline sexual harassment vibes here? Like, Lisa seems legit jealous that Brett is hooking up with other hostesses… and not her.
Meanwhile at SUR, Dayna is under the impression that she and Max are exclusive. Why would she have that crazy idea? Oh, idk, because they explicitly had an agreement to be exclusive. Meanwhile, this jackass is borderline claiming not to remember because he was “really tired” when they had that conversation. That’s not a thing.
Jax comes to SUR, and walks up to the bar, full coke eyes, to accost Sandoval in the back alley. Ah, just like the old days. This conversation plays out exactly like what would happen if you got a call from a spoofed number and called that number back:
Tom: Hey what’s up man?
Jax: I don’t know, what’s up with you? You got something to say to me?
Tom: You called me tho…
Jax is so funny, being like “do you want to say something to me? Sorry, maybe?” and he invites Sandoval to apologize, but not actually apologize, because he tells him that if he tries to “deflect” or “bring up the past” (this entire situation is by definition rooted in the past) then he’ll walk.
Sandoval: You know who doesn’t like the past being brought up? Hypocrites and people with bad credit.
Well, we all know Jax is probably both.
This argument is basically a boiled-down version of the “I’m the number one guy in the group” argument, where Jax is accusing Tom of trying to sabotage him or something. I’d also like a producer cut of Jax ever apologizing, while he accuses Sandoval of never apologizing? Come on, are y’all asleep this episode or what?
Jax uninvites him from the wedding, so Sandoval finally apologizes. Damn, is the open bar gonna be that good that it’s worth your integrity?
Over at SUR, Brett asks Charli out. Why does this have to be so incestuous of a workplace? *Checks notes* oh right, because it’s a bar. Charli is reluctant, but says yes because “a millionaire” once told her “you always say yes to a date so you can keep them guessing the second, third, fourth time.” I want to see less of this Charli/Brett showmance and more of this alleged millionaire sage. Was it Randall?
Speaking of millionaires giving unsolicited advice, Lala and Randall go to meet Jax and Brittany for dinner, really doubling down on the Randall appearances this episode. This guy went from 0 to 60 in the span of 20 minutes. I’m sort of impressed by how quickly he flip-flopped from avoiding the show at all costs to inserting himself into every scene. That Fofty money really made a dent, huh?
Speaking of 0 to 60, Jax goes into ANOTHER full-on rage (this is my Christmas), talking sh*t about Sandoval, telling him he needs to “figure out his girlfriend’s issues, figure out what sexuality she is because it changes every day.” Okay, I don’t have to go into how disgusting of a comment that is, we all know, right? And Lala doesn’t say anything, because that’s how good of a party Jax and Brittany are throwing, apparently. And as someone who has hooked up with Ariana, no less! Say what you want about me, but my morals are worth more than a $150 plated dinner. $151, though? You might have a deal.
Brittany goes to semi agree with Jax, but because she’s not repeating what he’s saying verbatim, he goes into a full manipulation spiral, like “why can’t you just support me? Why can’t you just agree with me, all the time, no questions asked, like a woman is supposed to do?” Season 6 Jax, I wondered when you would make an appearance again.
Lala calls Ariana a wet blanket, and she and Brittany agree that Sandoval and Ariana don’t want to see people do well. IT’S CALLED HAVING A F*CKING MORAL COMPASS, LOOK IT UP.
Oh, now ALL OF A SUDDEN Jax reveals that he’s “always” wanted to have Randall in his wedding. “Always”? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the private jets or vacations. But sure, he’s always wanted Randall there. Ever since… Two days ago. They go way back.
Maybe this whole fight was orchestrated so they could kick Sandoval out of the wedding, get Randall in there, and get some more PJ flights? Is that crazy, or am I onto something?
Also, I have no doubt in my mind that Sandoval and Ariana will be at this wedding, but if for some reason they really don’t go, then we should have all partied with Tom and Ariana. A missed opportunity!
Sandoval tells Schwartz he’s been uninvited from the wedding, and Schwartz doesn’t think that Sandoval approached this correctly. He says “you came at it with an accusatory tone.” Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty much hard to avoid when you are deadass accusing someone of turning a blind eye until they were forced to do something because of the optics. Schwartz says he’s going to have to “go over to make a case,” and now the two of them are having a crying heart-to-heart because god forbid Schwartz do anything by himself, even standing up at an altar. Seriously, what do best men even do? Give one speech? Can Schwartz do anything?
Over in Marina Del Rey, Scheana calls Brett because she’s cooking her “famous enchiladas” and invites him over. (So famous nobody has heard of them.) Brett has to break the news that he’s actually going on a date with Charli, and you can tell poor Scheana is gutted, telling Brett he needs someone a little more mature. But you guys, she’s just giving advice on who he should date because he’s her “best friend”! She totally doesn’t want to sleep with him at all!
While the guys try on their wedding suits (a week before? What if they needed another alteration?) Ariana comes over to talk to Brittany. Jax doesn’t even wait until Ariana’s out of earshot before saying “this is an awkward situation.”
Brittany is still sticking to the lie that she didn’t see anything that the Pastor had said.
All of us:
Jax is sticking to his decision that Sandoval is out of the wedding. Dark. I actually didn’t think that would happen.
Brett and Charlie are on a date for… smoothies? Are you f*cking serious? I’d be out of here.
Charli says she has only tried an avocado earlier this year, which reminds me of the time it took my father 55 years on Earth to try one orange. Like, the fruit. In my dad’s defense, he grew up so poor he ate ketchup sandwiches. Wait, was that just a joke? Wait, was he also joking about it being illegal to drive with the lights on in your car? Wait.
Anyway, if the “I’m not like other girls, I’ve never had an avocado” shtick wasn’t annoying enough, she’s also sticking to the pasta thing. Good god, get this girl outta here.
She also asks Brett about his ex, only to make fun of him for talking about his ex. That is some Lisa Vanderpump level of meddling. However, Brett does think “genuitity” is a word, so there’s that. I’m just going to start doing what Charli does and sh*t talk guys to their face, being like “wow, you’re still talking? I’ve never even listened to a podcast this long!” Just kidding, I’m not nearly hot enough to do that. Maybe if I stop eating avocados and pasta? No, you’re right, I’m still not hot enough to make having the food preferences of a toddler my central personality trait. Ok, back to the drawing board!
The next day (or however they edit the passage of time on this show), Jax and Brittany go over to Lisa’s so she can tell them that she can’t come to the wedding because her mother passed away.
I love that from Lisa’s “life is short” speech, Jax has appeared to glean the exact opposite. Instead of being like “f*ck it, let’s have Sandoval come, you never know what will happen in the future, and we should cherish the time we have with our loved ones while we have it”, Jax has adopted a fake mobster mentality of “I took care of a family member and a best friend. Who’s next?” You’d think the takeaway of a “life can be taken from you at any moment” speech would be “let me reconcile with all my friends”, not “let me double down on cutting everyone out of my life who disagrees with me.”
Ariana meets with Lala and Stassi, who are basically telling her to roll over to keep the peace. Lala is a trip, calling Ariana a wet blanket in one breath and then being incredulous that she wouldn’t want to talk about her mental health struggles the next. God, these people. How far do you have to stick your head up your own surgically-enhanced ass to not see the glaring hypocrisy here? And to not fathom why Ariana would be reluctant to open up about her mental health struggles, when all you’ve done is call her a Debby Downer and a wet blanket?
Seeing Ariana break down in front of Sandoval is making me borderline feel actual emotions. And again I say, we must protect Ariana at all costs. She’s like, the only person on this show I care about, mostly because she doesn’t believe in blind, unwavering loyalty and is just as over these people as I am. Love you sis!
Images: Bravo; Giphy