‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Coke Rage

Before we get into this week’s Vandperump Rules recap, I just need to talk about Scheana’s newly released music video. Guys, it is so bad. I would have dedicated an entire article to breaking down its awfulness, but I know nobody would read it because nobody cares about anything Vanderpump Rules related, except the elite few of you who read this recap. The song itself is the worst Normani reject I’ve ever heard, Scheana’s backup dancers have no idea what they’re doing, Scheana herself is barely doing what can be legally considered singing, and to top it all off, there’s a part where she earnestly tries to sexily gnaw off a hunk of Bretty’s arm.

I present to the court, Exhibit A:

Scheana Shay one more time

WHO thinks this is sexy??? WHO???

Speaking of, Scheana tells Dayna that she and Brett went to Palm Springs to film her music video, which she describes as “baby-making music”. Having watched the entire music video, let me just say that any baby made to this song is going to end up in jail. Anyway. Scheana is absolutely reveling in showing Dayna frame-by-frame the soft-core porn film music video she made with Brett. Like, okay, I agree that Scheana has gotten a bad edit this season, but in certain instances, she deserves it. Showing the girl who’s hooking up with the guy you like the soft-core porn you nearly coerced him into doing with you is just catty. And if you were to look up try-hard in the dictionary, it would autodirect you to Scheana’s biography.

I said what I said

Elsewhere, Sandoval and Jax are bringing sneakers to a “top-secret” sneaker cleaning place with some kind of super secret cleaning formula. Ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuoli. 

Apparently for all of Kristen’s “woe is me” act, she’s also been seeing other people? If I were Stassi I would just murder her on the spot. Does Kristen know there are other ways to get attention besides crying to your friends? I mean, the girl does have over 750k Instagram followers. You would think she would figure out some other way. Sheesh.

And for absolutely no reason, Jax tries to pick a fight with Sandoval. He’s like, “you really never call your girlfriend a bitch? Because I think she acts like one sometimes, and also I totally call my wife a bitch every time she doesn’t want to suck my dick on the spot.” I mayyyy have added that last part, but either way, what a f*cking prince he is.

Stassi and Brittany are talking, and Stassi, for some reason, thought she was going to be a chill bride. The idea is laughable. Has she even looked in a mirror? This is the girl who acts like her birthday is a national holiday; get ready for the irises-completely-black crazy eyes and “It’s MY f*cking wedding!” shrieks. I’m bracing my eardrums in preparation.

Scheana’s music video is the new egg freezing, in that she’s constantly bringing it up and nobody can even be bothered to pretend like they give a shit. Case in point, Jax, who doesn’t want to watch the video because he’s… annoyed that everyone else lies about their relationships? Because he thinks Ariana uses her depression for sympathy, or something? I have whiplash, and I’m not sure what the hell he’s talking about. The coke eyes are strong, the logic is not there, the mouth is moving faster than the speed of light, the rage is out in full force. Ugh, I forgot how nice last episode was without Jax. Jax is such an insensitive ass that Scheana appears to be a f*cking mental health advocate in comparison. 

Now Jax’s coke rage has another focus, which is, the environment? He doesn’t want to go to a beach cleanup because everyone has to drive there? I’m not trying to end all of my sentences with a question mark, I’m just really confused? Can’t wait for Jax to blame this all on editing!

Actual footage of Jax explaining why he doesn’t want to go to the beach cleanup: 

Charlie Day Pepe Silvia

Has he lost it or have I? At least I have quarantine as an excuse. His is just coke use and old age. This is what we call winning!

Me to me, despite crying because there was nowhere that would deliver me a margarita last night: you're doing amazing sweetie

At the beach cleanup, Kristen immediately gloms onto Stassi to kiss the side of her face. Stassi looks like me every time I let a creepy guy buy me a drink. It is awkward. Kristen and Scheana are really fulfilling the try-hard quota this season. I feel personally victimized watching this group of people who are not living together frolick and hang out in close proximity on a beach. Simpler times.

Dayna immediately accosts Brett about the music video. Apparently Scheana asked Brett while filming if he wanted a blowjob? Did that come before or after she tried to literally bite a chunk out of his forearm?

I will say, honestly, the BJ comment was probably one of Scheana’s things that she thinks is a joke but everyone else recognizes as an admission of her deepest desires, just like basically everything else she says.

Meanwhile, Jax has taken more coke and taken to rage-texting Max over how dumb his beach cleaning idea was. Okay, is it better or worse than having Hooters girls at your wedding? Live and let live, ya asshole. 

Jax is, in fact, so hard for the environment that he uninvited Max from his pool party. What grade are we in? Even Brittany is at this beach cleanup. If Jax didn’t want to drive four hours, why didn’t he just carpool? What’s the real reason he’s absent? 

Stassi and Dayna, rocking the exact same hairstyle and nearly identical outfits, talk about the weird Brett/Max love triangle. What a weird glitch in the matrix.

I would say, what is wrong with this entire group that so many of them have a rage texting problem? And then I remember: the cocaine. Or, as Jax puts it: Mercury’s Gatorade. Honestly, just take a drink for every time I talk about coke this episode, you’ll be almost as f*cked up as Jax. But I’m kind of glad he had too much pasta, or else we wouldn’t have a shot this week. This episode is brought to you by: drugs!

Sandoval and Ariana still live in an empty house, where she is putting on a dinner party. What is it, BYO chair?

Honestly, Jax should have spaced out his wedding and his 40th birthday so he could have milked the entire year, instead of having both of his life events over in the span of two weeks. I firmly believe the source of his anger is due to the fact that he was too stupid to space out his two milestones, and now has to resort to outbursts in order to get attention. He and Kristen should like… date.

Max tries to steal Dayna for a sec by weirdly whispering in her ear. Oooook, chill out Pilot Pete. Max says he feels weird about seeing her and Brett and he still has feelings for her. Sorry dude, but you had your chance and you blew it! It’s a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, f*ckboy rejects you when you put yourself out there, and then the second you move on, tries to claim that he got scared of how much he liked you.

Dayna, even though Reddit may tear you apart for not having a personality, please be a better person than me and DO NOT FALL FOR THIS SH*T. 

Everyone is at Kristen’s pop-up shop aside from Stassi and Katie. I get why that stings, but also, Kristen is just standing around at a bar with a few racks of clothing. It is not like, or a major professional accomplishment that they’re missing out on. 

OMG Scheana works with Sean 2, Lala’s former producer. Why the f*ck do I remember this and not the names or faces of anyone I went to high school with? Lord help me.

Anyway, Scheana’s telling Brett that she needs him to film one more scene for the video.  Why do I feel like this “one more scene” is going to be conducted completely in the nude, and also with no camera crew in sight? 

I’m truly not sure how to feel about this exchange between Brett and Scheana where he’s like “the whole video made me uncomfortable” and she’s like “it’s not that serious, Brett.” I’ll just say this: if the genders were reversed, this would be SO BAD. 

Homer Simpson bushes

You know what’s even worse? Scheana pronouncing F-Y-I like “fwhy” and also claiming that she was so convincingly trying to f*ck Brett in the video becasue she’s “such a good actress” and not because she…. wants to f*ck Brett. Scheana, I’m sorry, but you can’t even convincingly act like you have platonic guy friends.

Jax shows up to the pop-up thing in a cloud of coke (drink) to immediately apologize to Max. Brittany, I don’t know what you said off-camera, but well done, girl. He says he’s been having “mental issues” (ironic that just a few scenes ago he all but called Ariana’s depression fake) and says he’s angry all the time. Yea no, we got that! He calls it an “episode”, I call it a “bad comedown”. We all have our things I guess.

Charli calls Brett over so that Scheana can hash this “uncomfortable” thing out again, and I am truly lost. It’s like, “I don’t wanna be uncomfortable if you’re uncomfortable” “No I’m comfortable I just thought you weren’t—” and I really do not have any idea what is going on here at all. Somebody DM me and explain it. If I missed something, I’ll update this recap accordingly.

Hold up, did anybody else notice that Jax apologized to Max in a black shirt, and is now talking to Kristen in a white shirt? Fire the continuity people.

Wait wait wait wait. Kristen hooked up with Carter again (whatever), and Kristen hooked up with someone else also. And there’s a video?? And Carter saw it?? But the video is from four years ago?? Or is it two weeks ago!? Holy sh*t, what season is it? Why are we still making sex tapes, knowing the potential consequences? And why does Jax want Kristen to swear on her whole life and all her friendships? I thought he hated Carter.

Kristen is 100% lying, and admits in her talking head that she’s lying. SEASON 2 KRISTEN IS BACK. Wow. Wowowow. Guys? Guys. What’s next? A rehearsed texting tree? The possibilities are endless. It’s finally happening!

All of us when VPR returns to its glory days after seasons of us begging for it to return to its glory days:

happening

Kristen obviously does not want this information to get out, which is precisely why Jax runs right over to the group of newbies to break down exactly what’s happening, at the exact same time Brittany says something like, “well nobody else is going to hear about this.” On camera.

Kristen tries to get Jax to not do this in front of her merch table (basically, that’s what this so-called event is), and Jax loses it. This is SO reminiscent of his last you-know-what rage at SUR where he started cursing up a storm and flipping everybody off. It’s uncanny. You know what? Maybe we DO need Jax on this show. 

Vanderpump Rules

I can’t believe I saved the screenshot all these months.

I’ve got to say, who the f*ck cares if Kristen gave someone else a BJ? She’s not dating Carter. Why is Jax of all f*cking people on this Earth playing fidelity police? 

Me: *thinks about it for one millisecond* He’s hiding something.

Ok so after the break they rudely cut from this sh*tstorm to go back to SUR, where Lisa is meeting James and literally tastes his Coke (the soda!) to make sure it’s not spiked. Surprise, James tries to beg for his job back once again. Honestly, like, why has he not set his sights just a little bit higher than this tacky Sexy Unique Restaurant restaurant in West Hollywood?

Oh, and what do you know, that very night they magically don’t have a DJ, so James can take the 1s and 2s. I’m actually happy for him, but I really just hope he doesn’t immediately f*ck it up, because if he does he’ll be finished in this town.

Now Jax is back home with Brittany in his black V-neck, arguing over the difference between that BJ video having been taken 2 vs. 4 weeks ago. Brittany starts to break down and ask why Jax is getting so worked up about something that he has literally no personal involvement in (bingo), and the look he gives her is one of pure animosity. I actually got chills.

Jax Taylor

Holy sh*t at Jax admitting he abuses Adderall on camera and the producers not cutting it out. This is the closest thing we will get to an admission of illicit drug usage on camera, and I will f*cking take it. It is the wild west, people! Are we back in the golden days? 

Jax’s views on marriage are seriously yikes: we’re gonna fight, we’re gonna have brawls, we’re gonna have nights when you tell me to get the f*ck out of the house, I’m gonna hire a hot nanny and then f*ck her…

Oh sorry, did I make that last part up? Or did I just predict the future.

Hahahaha Brittany says she just doesn’t want Jax to revert into being mean and he says “well, not to you.” Should we start taking bets on the divorce? I give them three years and one baby before Brittany just can’t do it anymore. You heard it here first!

Images: Scheana Shay / Youtube; Courtesy of Bravo; Giphy (5)