On Monday night, television officially took a turn for the worse, and no, I’m not talking about the Men Tell All. I’m talking about MTV’s newest garbage show, Siesta Key. Tbh, I hadn’t even heard of this shit until there was a The Hills marathon on all weekend trying to build hype. And at first I was all in. It sounded like Laguna Beach but post-grad, so pretty much exactly the same except we didn’t have to pretend these people went to class or were idiots because they were high off a refreshing Sprite. I’d even planned on watching until I Googled it and found out the show’s resident fuckboy posted some racist fucking Insta and is besties with a dude who “allegedly” tortured a shark. And by “allegedly” I mean he posted a video of it but hasn’t been convicted of anything yet so legally I’m not allowed to say he did it. Like, that’s fucked up even for Florida.
The first offense that came to light was animal abuse, which in all fairness, doesn’t seem to involve Alex, but one of his friends who used to be all up on his Gram and has since been erased. Too late, bro. We all saw and took screenshots. The video shows the king of all douches dragging a shark behind a boat, and you can’t tell if it’s dead or alive and it’s awful. This asshole better not be getting in the ocean anytime soon because karma is real and we’re an animal or 20 beneath sharks on the food chain, if you feel me. Since the incident, Alex has come out and said he was “horrified”, but again. Too fucking late.
The next incident is an old Instagram of Alex and one his friends pouring booze on a topless girl, which if that wasn’t disgusting enough, is accompanied by the hashtag #onceyougoblackyourneverWELCOMEback. Okay hi… What the literal fuck is wrong with you? I can’t beyond my comprehension understand why a human being would ever think that, let alone fucking post it online. Like, I know you’re from Florida but how fucking backwards are you? Sorry, that was a lot of fucks but this gets me heated. Side note: I didn’t use the wrong “your” in the hashtag. He did. So in addition to being a misogynist racist, he doesn’t know grammar. You’re trying to tell me people are fighting to date this guy? K.
And just in case we needed another reason to love Vanderpump Rules and Lala in particular, she is straight coming for this Alex clown. She posted two Instagrams talking about the shit he’s done and urging people not to watch the show and sign a petition to have the police investigate these ass clowns. YASSSS QUEEN. But it’s not just Lala. Brittany, Kristen, and Ariana have all tweeted to expose these (alleged) animal abusers and are encouraging their followers to boycott the show as well. Nothing brings former enemies together quite like a group of entitled millennial assholes who torture animals for sport, amiright?
Could they potentially be doing this to kill off a show that competes for the same demo as their show? Maybe. But guess what? Don’t care because we hate this guy. Honestly, if the cast of Vanderpump Rules are calling you a bad person, you should probably just exit this planet Stage Right.