United Airlines Is Coming For Toddlers Now

United Airlines, aka the the Fyre Festival of airlines (or is Fyre Festival the United Airlines of festivals? Unclear.) is in trouble yet again for its policy of bumping paying customers off of flights that they purposely overbooked. Last time, it was a doctor on his way home to treat his patients. This time, it was a 27-month-old toddler who was forced to sit in his mother’s lap for the entirety of their three-hour flight due to a “mix-up in the United Airlines system.”

Note To Anyone From United Who Might Be Reading This: When given the choice between bumping an actual baby and bumping a human adult, bump the adult every time. People get like, really sensitive about how you treat babies. Also, get back to work. Your business is literally a dumpster fire of awful.

Shirley Yamauchi, the mom in this situation, told NBC News that she spent almost $1k each on tickets for herself and her son to get from Hawaii to Boston. After a five-hour layover in Houston (Sidebar: $1k each of non-direct flights on a disgraced airline?!? Somebody needs to tell this woman about Kayak ASAP…) Yamauchi and her son Taizo were forced to share a seat so some bro in standby could take it.

According to Yamauchi, none of the flight attendants said shit about the fact that she was just expected to carry a 25 pound human on her lap for the entirety of the flight which, considering that Yamauchi is only 5’2,” is a lot of baby for one person to handle.

Yamauchi said that she did not speak up right away due to “recent problems with United Aircrafts,” aka the time they broke a doctor’s face for refusing to give up his seat. Not really something you want to get into with a baby on your lap.

This entire incident comes just a few short months after United CEO and Person-Who-Should-Probably-Just-Give-Up-And-Move-To-The-Woods Oscar Munoz sent a public letter stating the company was going to “do better.” In his defense, while United did bump a baby out of his seat, they didn’t physically assault the baby, which is, technically, better.

Note #2 To Anyone from United Who Might Be Reading This: Maybe do a quick check to say “hey, are all babies seated comfortably and safely?” before shooting a giant metal bird into the sky. Just a thought.

On the bright side, Yamauchi did manage to get a refund for her son’s seat, in the form of a  United Airlines voucher, so she’ll get to relive her amazing United Airlines experience all over again free of charge. Amazing.

United spokesman and Only-Person-With-A-Worse-Job-Than-Sean-Spicer Jonathan Guerin said in a statement:

“On a recent flight from Houston to Boston, we inaccurately scanned the boarding pass of Ms. Yamauchi’s son. As a result, her son’s seat appeared to be not checked in, and staff released his seat to another customer and Ms. Yamauchi held her son for the flight. We deeply apologize to Ms. Yamauchi and her son for this experience.”

Yamauchi, on the other hand, is about as satisfied with that explanation as you are with your fuckboy’s explanation for not answering your texts: “I saw them zap both tickets. There was no issue, no problem. They let us through. It just doesn’t add up. It’s very weird.”

She also is not satisfied with the whole “voucher” thing, saying “It doesn’t seem right or enough for pain and discomfort.”

Atta girl, Shirley. Get your damn money. As Ivana Trump famously said in First Wives Club

Read: United Arlines’ Leggings Ban Isn’t Even The Worst Thing They’ve Done Recently

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.