Two Virgins, One Sloth: Diggy Moreland On ‘The Bachelor’ Premiere

Well Bachelor Nation, the time has come. You cried, you shouted, you asked for a recount, you even pulled the fire alarm at the mansion in hopes that the season wouldn’t film, but to no avail. Colton’s season of The Bachelor has started. Yes, the same man who couldn’t commit to a summer fling in Paradise now will commit to finding his WIFE on national TV. I don’t know how this season is going to end, but stock up on the toilet paper because I know the journey is going to be a sh*t show.

Episode 1 kicks off with ABC showing a bunch of people around the country that decide to go to their local bar and grill to take in three hours of Colton Underwood. The only explanation as to why someone would do this is that that the amount of liquor required to tolerate this season cannot be stored in a single family home, and people hate to drink alone. ABC literally spends 45 minutes going back and forth showing live footage in LA, Dallas, Utah, and Michigan of people watching THEMSELVES on the big screen. Yes, we’re about 45 minutes in and no sign of Colton. What’s even funnier?? NO ONE is upset. It seems that ABC got the memo: we know you weren’t happy with our pick, so you win, we just won’t show him.

We start to see some of the girls and their backgrounds. We have a speech pathologist from California, and Miss Alabama who has only kissed four people in her lifetime. Heather is up next and get this…like the movie SHE’S NEVER BEEN KISSED! (If she makes it to the Fantasy Suite, no condoms will be needed. Just UNO cards and bunk beds). Heather has her eyes wide open at all times, and it kinda looks like she sneezes with her eyes open, so definitely someone you want to keep your eye on.

Next, we meet Bibiana Jr. (aka Nicole from Miami) who brings a lot of spice with her. She’s a big family person, meaning Colton: You better have at MINIMUM a 4-door, because the family will be tagging along as well. Dental hygienist Kirpa, and Demi from Texas round out the rest of the intro packages.

Colton then gives his big soliloquy about how he’s changed, evolved, and still doesn’t wear underwear (this alone should disqualify you from being the Bachelor). In a series of some of the worst shirts I’ve ever seen, Colton talks to Chris Harrison about how the experience has changed him, and how he’s ready to prove people wrong and lose the V-card that’s super glued to his chest. Yeah, enough of that.

Somehow, The Bachelor makes LA traffic disappear, and these limos start rolling in hot and heavy with girls with tags still on their dresses, hoping that Nordstrom will take everything back if they get cut early. The first couple of limo entrances are pretty basic, nothing exciting. Miss North Carolina makes it known who she is, followed by Sydney who makes it known that she quit her job to be there so yea, Colton, I hope you can bring home enough bacon for the both of you.

Probably the best virgin joke of the night belongs to Caitlin who “pops his cherry” via a balloon on a string. (Here’s $100 saying he didn’t get the sexual reference.) More V-card jokes come, and the entrances start getting even more boring….until the sloth. Following the likes of Dolphin Alexis Waters, and Penguin Matt Munson, we have a girl dressed as a sloth moving ever so slowly. Well if there’s one thing he’s not in a rush to do, it’s have sex, so you’re probably torturing yourself more than Colton. Tracy shows up in a cop car as the fashion police, and then we get a voiceless Alex, a fake Aussie, and a girl who drops off her daughter (aka her dog) in Colton’s hands as she enters the mansion. The last entrance might be the most memorable: a horse and carriage ride in, complete with slipper left behind and everything. But the way gas prices are in LA, I totally get this move.

And finally, the cocktail party starts…LET’S GET TO IT!! Colton proclaims that he’s ready, and he begins to meet with all of them. Demi steals him first (which, PRO TIP: automatically puts a target on your back) and then the other conversations follow. The conversations are going as well as you’d think they would…until they don’t. Miss North Carolina gets the first kiss, and she’s smitten. Chris Harrison then messes up the vibe created by free Hennessy & Patron by placing the first impression rose on the table.

Catherine (the bad dog parent) gets her time, but decides enough isn’t enough. She proceeds to steal Colton away from three others in addition to her original time. Despite being warned that it’s rubbing others the wrong way, she continues to do it. One thing’s for sure: Catherine is definitely going to have Nair put in her shampoo bottle, and it’s ONLY NIGHT ONE.

Hannah gets the first impression rose, because he knew “from the beginning of the night.” My money is on it being the only name he could remember, but hey, I’ll take his word for it. All the girls now hate her and probably are putting itching powder in her g-string. Okay, one rose down…several to go.

Rose ceremony time. All the roses aren’t really surprising given the amount of TV time they’ve gotten. But the final rose is here, and time thief Catherine still doesn’t have a rose. But you know ABC…she’s getting one, and unsurprisingly, the last rose goes to her. I mean, if we’re not gonna have sex on this show, we gotta have drama, right? People who got eliminated before the sun came up and can return to work like nothing happened: Alex D, Laura, Revian, Erin, Devin, Tahzjuan, and Jane.

This season will be drama-filled for sure, mostly because at some point, Colton won’t be able to make up his mind, will forget someone’s name, or call someone Becca/Tia!

Images: ABC

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