Highlights & Lowlights Of Donald Trump's First Speech To Congress AKA We're So F*cked

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Donald Trump appeared before the House and the Senate last night to address a joint session of Congress. He was joined by his new besties Mike Pence and Paul Ryan, who wore matching blue ties and grinned shittily while our tacky-ass president laid out his plan for tanking the country, commonly referred to as “making America great again.” Here are the highlights and lowlights. We use the word “highlight” veeeeery loosely here.


Trump Condemning Anti-Semitism, Shouts Out Black History Month

Kudos to whoever keeps making the President denounce anti-Semitism and acknowledge black people exist outside of Chicago, because it’s working! Trump took a whole two minutes at the start of his speech to denounce the recent wave of attacks on Jewish cemeteries, and to call for more unity and understanding. The general response was, “Good for you, Donald! You finally did president good!” Even though earlier that same day he seemed to have suggested that Jews were vandalizing their own cemeteries and threatening their own community centers in order to make other groups look bad. Ah, to be white, male, and mediocre in today’s America.


Nancy Pelosi’s Face

Nancy Pelosi encapsulated all of our emotions last night by completely failing to hide her hatred for the president and everything he stands for:

Nancy Pelosi Congress Address

Elizabeth Warren

As we have come to expect, Queen Elizabeth of Massachusetts used Donald Trump’s joint address as an opportunity to throw some grade-A shade by inviting an Iraqi refugee, aka the exact type of person Trump is trying to ban from entering the U.S, as her guest. It’s like inviting your frenemy’s ex to a party just to show her who the fuck is in charge.

Elizabeth Warren


He’s Still Obsessed With The Whole ‘“Wall” Thing

Donald Trump is still delusionally obsessed with his stupid wall idea, and wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it last night. He promised the American people that we will build a wall, but appears to have dropped the whole “Mexico will pay” aspect. Which, of course, means we’re paying for it. Ugh Trump can you please stop trying to make The Wall happen?

It's Not Going To Happen


Donald Trump used his terrifying speech to our terrifying government to lay out a terrifying new agency called V.O.I.C.E, and it’s not a new singing competition coming to NBC. It stands for the Victims of Immigrant Crime Engagement. So what the fuck does that mean? Well, it appears to be solely dedicated to policing, publicizing, and punishing crimes committed by illegal immigrants. Hmm…anybody else getting some serious Hitler vibes here?

We Are Screwed

Someone Announced “The President Of The United States” And Donald Trump Came Out

This was the lowest point in the evening. Probably one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. Truly horrible. RIP me.


HONORABLE MENTION: The Democratic Response

The Democratic response was given by former Kentucky Governor and current total random Steve Beshear, who sat in what appeared to be a diner and stared lifelessly at the camera while surrounded by a handful of garden-variety white people. It was very boring and honestly I started looking at my phone halfway through and have no idea what he said.


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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.