5 True Crime Stories To Google When You're Stoned

If you’re not spending every waking hour on the verge of a panic attack, are you even really living? Like, have you been to Earth? Shit is fucked up. But don’t worry, we did a round up of true crime stories that will keep you on edge and unable to sleep at night. Why get a full night’s rest and find your zen when you can freak the fuck out researching serial killers and convincing yourself everyone you know could be a straight up MUR-DUR-ER. Trust no bitch. Also, maybe pop a Xanax after reading this.

The Couple That Kidnapped Their Own Children

Just this week a couple was arrested for holding their 13 kids captive in their California home. The kids ranged from ages 2-29 and some were bound with chains and padlocks. One of the 13 kids managed to escape and call the cops and tell them WTF was up. The couple is being charged with torture and child endangerment, with their bail set at $9 mill. Most families who lived in their neighborhood didn’t suspect anything and thought they seemed like loving parents. Things aren’t always as they seem, as in sometimes your neighbs have literally kidnapped their own children. What. The. Fuck.

The Creepy AF Submarine Murderer

This is another recent one and is scary AF. So this Dutch inventor, Peter Madson, invited Swedish journalist, Kim Wall, to come *submarine and chill* aka interview him on his submarine last August. Ten days after she was reported missing, her dismembered body was found in a bag off the coast of Copenhagen. Madson was sloppy with his story, first denying having dismembered her body and claiming she died in a terrible accident after getting hit in the head with some sort of machinery while on board. Then he changed his story and said she died of carbon monoxide poisoning, and that he did in fact casually dismember her. Likely story, bro. What are you BFFs with Robert Burpity Durst? Anyway, his trial is set for March and he’s totally guilty. Sidetone: I feel like submarines are v underrepresented in crimes. I’m basing this completely off the fact that I just watched a Jane the Virgin ep where a criminal hides out underwater in her submarine and I thought that was like, really smart, but, food for thought.

The Female Serial Killer Who Low-Key Bathed in Blood

This bitch. Known as the most prolific female murderer ever, she is thought to have killed more than 600 people back int he 1600’s. At least she was very ahead of her time in terms of breaking the glass ceiling for female murderers. JK. This woman was seriously disturbed and supes dramatic. She would murder female virgins and then bathe in their blood in order to “soak up their youth.” That is the grossest and most extra thing I have ever heard. Exfoliate with some sand or whatever it is they did back then for skin reigmens. No need to go taking a bath in virgin blood. Just my honest opinion.

The Stalker Known As ‘The Watcher’

A family bought a house in Westfield, New Jersey back in 2014 but have yet to move in due to harassment they have received from an anonymous stalker known as “The Watcher.” After the family bought the house, they started receiving threatening letters from someone who claimed to have the rights to the house. A particularly menacing letter read, “All of the windows and doors…allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house.” It adds, “I watch and wait for the day the young blood will be mine again.” It’s all very season 1 of American Horror Story, and very, very creepy. Also, another reason to never by a house, IMO.

The Man Who May or May Not Have Predicted His Death

This one is for all you alien conspiracy theory freaks out there. Max Spiers, a UFO researcher and conspiracy theorist himself, was found dead just days after he sent his mom a text that said, “If anything happens to me, investigate.” Police say he died of natural causes, but his mom says he was incredibly healthy AND she has been refused paperwork about the cause of death. Sounds suspicious to me. Now, please excuse me while I Google UFO sightings for the next, IDK, twelve hours.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Irene Merrow
Irene Merrow
Irene makes jokes, understands politics, and has legit perfect eyebrows, all in a day’s work. Dumb bitch women really can have it all! This bio took her three days and five nightmares to write.