Sweet, affable, perpetual goof Tom Schwartz appears to be fully leaning into the whole newly-divorced-man-in-crisis thing. He debuted a new bleach blonde look over the weekend. As the male equivalent of cutting bangs, the all-over bleach look can only be associated with a guy who is really going through it (see: Pete Davidson, Adam Levine, Jonah Hill, Zac Efron). Schwartzy is clearly reckoning with some demons.
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When you consider the Scandoval of it all, noted feminist/actress Lala Kent recently squashing rumors about a potential Schwartz and Tequila Katie reunion, Schwartz & Sandy’s impending downfall (there are Lobster Corn Dogs on the menu, enough said), the dramatic dye job honestly makes a lot of sense. Poor Schwartzy-poo. Here’s a glimpse into the mind of a man on the ropes as he ponders life in the salon chair.
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- “Dude… this is gonna look so good.”
- “Wait, idk.”
- “Shit.”
- “Shit, shit, shit.”
- “Am I gonna look Albanian? Wait, Albino? Albino.”
- “It’s Albino, right?”
- “I wonder how that Albino kid from 8th grade is doing now.”
- *Googles Albanian* “Wait, Rita Ora is Albanian?”
- “Dua Lipa is Albanian?!”
- “Wait, where is Albania?”
- “Should I bleach my eyebrows too and go for that, like, male model thing.”
- “HA, I should bleach my butthole to match, too.”
- “Scheana definitely bleaches her butthole.”
- “Sandoval definitely bleaches his butthole.”
- “I should’ve called Sandoval for an assist on this.”
- “I’m shivering in here, I should’ve bought a sweater.”
- “Or a protein bar, I’m starving, man.”
- 18.“I really want a sandwich, man.”
- “I wonder if they have any snacks here?”
- “Oh, I should just order food. Easy.”
- “I’m gonna Postmates something.”
- “I can’t wait to FaceTime the triplets…wait I’m gonna FaceTime them right now.” *Phone slips out of his hand and falls on the ground.*
- “Shit did that crack?”
- “Shit. Shit.”
- “Okay, all good.”
- “I need a vacation, man.”
- “Man, I’m spiraling.”
- “I should be sleeping more.”
- “Oh my God, Katie would be so pissed if we were still together.”
- ““We’re the best divorced couple ever, though.”
- “Oh my God, I wonder if Bubba would let me pick up a sandwich from her shop?”
- “I really want, like, a prosciutto situation right now… or even tuna maybe?”
- “Is tuna for old guys?”
- “Is it crazy to ask for a sandwich, though, her shop is so close…?”
- “Nah… but, I mean not that crazy… right?”
- “I should show up to pick up the dogs with a hat on and then surprise her.”
- “Señorita Bubba…”
- “Maybe I should just FaceTime Katie and show her…”
- “You know what, no, it’s fine, I’m channeling my inner Kenergy.”
- “I don’t need Katie’s approval or gentle affections or sassy Dominatrix-like energy anymore!”
- “She’s just going to laugh at me.”
- “Wait, that’s what Kenergy is, right?”
- “Damn, I still haven’t seen Barbie.”
- “Did the Gos wear a wig in that movie though?”
- “This was a mistake.”
- “Shit, shit, shit.”
- “Are people gonna still take me seriously?”
- *Smiles to himself* “Nah, people don’t even take me seriously now, do they?”
- “Oh God, Lisa’s not going to take me seriously, anymore.”
- “Lisa’s gonna freak when she sees this.”
- “Okay, I’m just gonna FaceTime Jo and show her… or is that too needy?”
- “Man this is really starting to itch… is this burning? Am I going to burn my hair off?”
- “Ow.”
- “This smells so weird.”
- “This smells like burning plastic, man.”
- “It’s not going to turn out orange, right?”
- “Shit, I’m gonna look like Bozo the Weho Clown, aren’t I?”
- “God, I’m gonna look like a mega divorced dad. Is this totally pathetic?”
- “Shit.”
- “Maybe I should get a Corvette, really lean into this whole thing.”
- “How much do vintage Corvettes cost?”
- *Googles* “I can’t afford that… Can I afford that?”
- “Maybe I should ask my business manager?”
- “This was a mistake wasn’t it?
- “This is going to look insane.”
- “No, wait, yeah, this is gonna be like a look… a serve?”
- “Will people still recognize me?”
- “Shit how do I style this?”
- “Man, I’m bored.”
- “I’m really bored.”
- “Wait, where’d the stylist go?”
- “Should I tell her this is burning my scalp?”
- “Shit, but I forgot her name.”
- “What was her name? Micah? Michelle…? Melissa?”
- “Okay, maybe just shut up because if you blurt out the wrong name…”
- “This itches bad. I wonder if I could just scratch it a little.”
- “Shit now that burns on my fingers!”
- “Wait, oh my God, can you dye your fingers?”
- “Shit I need to wash my hands.”
- “Okay, go take a piss, wash your hands, just be cool.”
- *Sniffs self* “Wait, did I put on deodorant today?”
- “I’m already kind of a Golden Retriever type… am I subconsciously making some kind of psychological analytical connection by dyeing my hair… psycho… logical is that the word?”
- “Wait, what’s the difference between psychologist and psychiatrist again?”
- “I’m gonna Google it.”
- “Do I have my Xanax?”
- “Shit, I left it on the counter.”
- “Okay, this is definitely burning.”
- “Shit, I’m gonna burn my hair off and be like, bald in a patch or something.”
- “How long do I have to sit here?”
- “I wonder if they care if I take my shoes off in here.” *Slips off flip flops.*
- “Maybe I should get a pedicure after this.”
- “I wonder if they have beer here?” *Asks if they have beer.*
- “Okay, mim-o-sa, let’s go! I’m like Lisa right now.”
- “Oh my God, Lisa with blond hair… I don’t know if I could take it.”
- “I wonder where Lisa gets her hair done.”
- “I should’ve called Lisa and asked where she gets her hair done.”
- “Oh my God… where does Ken get his hair done?”
- “I wonder if Lisa does Ken’s hair.”
- “I wonder if I FaceTimed Lisa if she’d pick up.” *FaceTimes Lisa, she doesn’t answer*
- “Dude, this is gonna look so good.”
