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100 Thoughts Tom Schwartz Definitely Had While Bleaching His Hair

Sweet, affable, perpetual goof Tom Schwartz appears to be fully leaning into the whole newly-divorced-man-in-crisis thing. He debuted a new bleach blonde look over the weekend. As the male equivalent of cutting bangs, the all-over bleach look can only be associated with a guy who is really going through it (see: Pete Davidson, Adam Levine, Jonah Hill, Zac Efron). Schwartzy is clearly reckoning with some demons. 


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When you consider the Scandoval of it all, noted feminist/actress Lala Kent recently squashing rumors about a potential Schwartz and Tequila Katie reunion, Schwartz & Sandy’s impending downfall (there are Lobster Corn Dogs on the menu, enough said), the dramatic dye job honestly makes a lot of sense. Poor Schwartzy-poo. Here’s a glimpse into the mind of a man on the ropes as he ponders life in the salon chair.

    1. “Dude… this is gonna look so good.”
    2. “Wait, idk.”
    3. “Shit.” 
    4. “Shit, shit, shit.”
    5. “Am I gonna look Albanian? Wait, Albino? Albino.” 
    6. “It’s Albino, right?” 
    7. “I wonder how that Albino kid from 8th grade is doing now.” 
    8. *Googles Albanian* “Wait, Rita Ora is Albanian?”
    9. “Dua Lipa is Albanian?!” 
    10. “Wait, where is Albania?”
    11. “Should I bleach my eyebrows too and go for that, like, male model thing.”
    12. “HA, I should bleach my butthole to match, too.”
    13. “Scheana definitely bleaches her butthole.”
    14. “Sandoval definitely bleaches his butthole.”
    15. “I should’ve called Sandoval for an assist on this.” 
    16. “I’m shivering in here, I should’ve bought a sweater.” 
    17. “Or a protein bar, I’m starving, man.”
    18. 18.“I really want a sandwich, man.”
    19. “I wonder if they have any snacks here?”
    20. “Oh, I should just order food. Easy.”
    21. “I’m gonna Postmates something.”
    22. “I can’t wait to FaceTime the triplets…wait I’m gonna FaceTime them right now.” *Phone slips out of his hand and falls on the ground.*
    23. “Shit did that crack?”
    24. “Shit. Shit.”
    25. “Okay, all good.”
    26. “I need a vacation, man.”
    27. “Man, I’m spiraling.”
    28. “I should be sleeping more.”
    29. “Oh my God, Katie would be so pissed if we were still together.”
    30. ““We’re the best divorced couple ever, though.”
    31. “Oh my God, I wonder if Bubba would let me pick up a sandwich from her shop?”
    32. “I really want, like, a prosciutto situation right now… or even tuna maybe?”
    33. “Is tuna for old guys?” 
    34. “Is it crazy to ask for a sandwich, though, her shop is so close…?”
    35. “Nah… but, I mean not that crazy… right?”
    36. “I should show up to pick up the dogs with a hat on and then surprise her.” 
    37. Señorita Bubba…” 
    38. “Maybe I should just FaceTime Katie and show her…” 
    39. “You know what, no, it’s fine, I’m channeling my inner Kenergy.” 
    40. “I don’t need Katie’s approval or gentle affections or sassy Dominatrix-like energy anymore!”
    41. “She’s just going to laugh at me.”
    42. “Wait, that’s what Kenergy is, right?”
    43. “Damn, I still haven’t seen Barbie.”
    44. “Did the Gos wear a wig in that movie though?”
    45. “This was a mistake.”
    46. “Shit, shit, shit.”
    47. “Are people gonna still take me seriously?”
    48. *Smiles to himself* “Nah, people don’t even take me seriously now, do they?” 
    49. “Oh God, Lisa’s not going to take me seriously, anymore.”
    50. “Lisa’s gonna freak when she sees this.” 
    51. “Okay, I’m just gonna FaceTime Jo and show her… or is that too needy?”
    52. “Man this is really starting to itch… is this burning? Am I going to burn my hair off?”
    53. “Ow.”
    54. “This smells so weird.”
    55. “This smells like burning plastic, man.”
    56. “It’s not going to turn out orange, right?” 
    57. “Shit, I’m gonna look like Bozo the Weho Clown, aren’t I?”
    58. “God, I’m gonna look like a mega divorced dad. Is this totally pathetic?” 
    59. “Shit.”
    60. “Maybe I should get a Corvette, really lean into this whole thing.”
    61. “How much do vintage Corvettes cost?” 
    62. *Googles* “I can’t afford that… Can I afford that?” 
    63. “Maybe I should ask my business manager?”
    64. “This was a mistake wasn’t it?
    65. “This is going to look insane.” 
    66. “No, wait, yeah, this is gonna be like a look… a serve?”
    67. “Will people still recognize me?” 
    68. “Shit how do I style this?”
    69. “Man, I’m bored.”
    70. “I’m really bored.”
    71. “Wait, where’d the stylist go?” 
    72. “Should I tell her this is burning my scalp?” 
    73. “Shit, but I forgot her name.”
    74. “What was her name? Micah? Michelle…? Melissa?”
    75. “Okay, maybe just shut up because if you blurt out the wrong name…”
    76. “This itches bad. I wonder if I could just scratch it a little.”
    77. “Shit now that burns on my fingers!”
    78. “Wait, oh my God, can you dye your fingers?”
    79. “Shit I need to wash my hands.”
    80. “Okay, go take a piss, wash your hands, just be cool.”
    81. *Sniffs self* “Wait, did I put on deodorant today?”
    82. “I’m already kind of a Golden Retriever type… am I subconsciously making some kind of psychological analytical connection by dyeing my hair… psycho… logical is that the word?” 
    83. “Wait, what’s the difference between psychologist and psychiatrist again?”
    84. “I’m gonna Google it.”
    85. “Do I have my Xanax?”
    86. “Shit, I left it on the counter.”
    87. “Okay, this is definitely burning.”
    88. “Shit, I’m gonna burn my hair off and be like, bald in a patch or something.”
    89. “How long do I have to sit here?”
    90. “I wonder if they care if I take my shoes off in here.” *Slips off flip flops.*
    91. “Maybe I should get a pedicure after this.”
    92. “I wonder if they have beer here?” *Asks if they have beer.*
    93. Okay, mim-o-sa, let’s go! I’m like Lisa right now.”
    94. “Oh my God, Lisa with blond hair… I don’t know if I could take it.”
    95. “I wonder where Lisa gets her hair done.”
    96. “I should’ve called Lisa and asked where she gets her hair done.”
    97. “Oh my God… where does Ken get his hair done?”
    98. “I wonder if Lisa does Ken’s hair.”
    99. “I wonder if I FaceTimed Lisa if she’d pick up.” *FaceTimes Lisa, she doesn’t answer*
    100. “Dude, this is gonna look so good.”
Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale is a Jersey girl based in Los Angeles. She has an encyclopedia-like knowledge of Sex and the City, the Real Housewives franchise, and always carries Tums. You can follow her whereabouts on IG @evapants or subscribe to her newsletter Fries for the Table (