When it comes to poking fun at Patriots vet Tom Brady, I’m not new to this, I’m true to this. In fact, it’s a little weird they didn’t call me in for that extra-long Netflix roast that Kim Kardashian got booed at, but as long as the great deflator got a healthy dose of teasing, I guess I shouldn’t complain. That being said, I was a wee bit ruffled at his breakup with supermodel Gisele Bündchen. It’s not like I was spending my days writing “Tom <3s Gisele” on the stadium bleachers, but still, I had kind of just gotten used to the idea of their union remaining a blonde-hair-blue-eyed pillar of the community forever.
As a Cancer who detests change, even when it’s only the dissolution of legacy pop culture couples I have no vested interest in. I can only imagine how rattled the twice-retired QB (he is an attention-seeking Leo, after all) was by losing a literal angel, let alone watching his ex-wife move on with her jiu-jitsu coach, Joaquim Valente so effortlessly. But actually, thanks to social media, I don’t have to wonder because Tommy Boy is at a recognizable but hard-to-watch stage in the splitsville lifecycle: Tom Brady is posting inspirational quotes about his breakup with Gisele Bundchen, and I’m obsessed with the girl boss mess of it all.
February 2023: Tom Brady posts an excessive underwear thirst trap
We had a hint things might get sloppy on main just a few months after his October 2022 divorce. At the time, Tom Brady was promoting his new boxer brief underwear label, BRADY. As a promotional stunt/”dare” from his buddies Gronk (no, not baby Gronk, juggernaut tight end Rob Gronkowski) and Julian Edelman, Tom posted a shirtless selfie in his briefs. The saucy little shot left very little to the imagination, but just in case we were trying to get an extra peak, Tom coyly covered his crotch with his hand. Okay, little minx!! Tom wanted the women of the world to know just because he was a retired, divorced dad of three doesn’t mean he couldn’t be their daddy, too, and the message (I’m sure by someone who is not me) was received.
March 2023: Tom Brady gives Ralph Waldo Emerson a shoutout
Something tells me when baby Brady was slinging footballs at the University of Michigan, he wasn’t rushing off to philosophy class afterward, but that didn’t stop him from leaning on the staple poet in his first single spring. Tom posted an inspirational infographic of a famous Ralph Waldo Emerson quote inquiring about what true success means. The answer? Lots of laughter, beauty, love from your kiddos, handling fair criticism, and most interestingly, “to endure the betrayal of false friends.” Was this a thinly veiled cry for help to his ex to come back and make him “successful” again because even though he had decided to return to football, fame wasn’t enough? No one can say for sure but…duh!
October 2024: Tom Brady shares sad song lyrics after headlines of Gisele’s pregnancy
Tom Brady on his instagram story: https://t.co/StwThO0qFX
— Mikaela Reed (@miklovin_life) October 29, 2024
Do you ever expect a grown-ass man to subtweet his ex-wife with Fleetwood Mac? No, but you have to always remain vigilant — it can happen. In the wake of the exciting pregnancy news from close sources (which Gisele has yet to verify herself directly), Tom Brady did what many down-bad girlie pops have resorted to before him: throwing a sunset over a pointed song choice on an Instagram Story and praying to God they’ll finally text back. The musical selection of choice was “Landslide,” and just in case viewers had their sound off, Tom made sure to write in the lyrics “Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?” coupled with three red heart emojis at the bottom of the screen. Do you know how much screaming, crying, and throwing up you have to be doing to use Stevie Nicks to (allegedly) flex on your ex??? The prayers immediately went up for Mr. Brady in my house (mainly that he would hopefully keep going because this shit was getting good).
November: More Mysterious Quotes From Tom Brady
the majority of instagram stories today: VOTEVOTEVOTE! ELECTION! RIGHTS! FREEDOM! USE YOUR VOICE!
tom brady’s story: pic.twitter.com/y63qZ4Vklx— Hannah Szymanski (@SzymanskiHannah) November 5, 2024
Having found his sweet spot, Tom’s cryptic messages alluding to his daily feels have continued! On November 5 (famously election day), TomTom was pondering the meaning of life through a Teddy Roosevelt quote about “the man in the arena.” It’s essentially a little essay about how the people on the front lines are the ones who matter, not the ones who watch them make history, so frequent “shortcomings” are just a part of the process. Is Tom telling the world that, though he may have flopped by losing Gisele, he’s going to come back stronger, and we’re all going to watch? Or is he simply trying to outwardly manifest another “victory,” AKA a relationship with a gorgeous supermodel such as Irina Shayk? I’m not fluent in Tom Brady’s inner thoughts yet, but if our little shy boy keeps dropping hints like this, I might become so shortly.
