Time To Shake Sh*t Up: Weekly Horoscopes January 25-29

Just when you thought you had this whole “January” thing figured out, Uranus is here to shake sh*t up. This week, Uranus is causing conflict all over our charts, showing us that some of the stuff we said we left in 2020, may have actually hitched a ride into 2021. Plus, Thursday’s full moon in Leo helps us all step into the spotlight. Even if that spotlight is just the Zoom feature.


The full moon in Leo is shining directly on your house of sensuality this week, Aries, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself firing up the apps, or reigniting a flirty convo with an old flame. Aries who are already in relationships are in luck and can skip straight to the good part: all-day sex marathon. Be sure to tell your partner to send the moon a thank you when they get a chance.


Should you toe the party line, or strike your own path? You may face this exact conflict this week as the Sun in your house of career clashes with Uranus in your own sign. Translation: you may end up having to stick to your guns, even if it gets awkward. Famous Taurus Gigi Hadid didn’t get where she is today by letting people walk all over her, did she?!?


The Aquarius Sun has you marching to the beat of your own drum these days, but beware. Sneaky Uranus is lurking just around the corner this week to rain on your parade. Beware of fake friends, two-faced coworkers, f*ckboys, and shady-ass DMs. Anything that sets off alarm bells, shut it down ASAP. And anyone who doesn’t like it is just proving your point.


There’s a snake in your group! This week, Uranus is bringing all the haters to the forefront so that you can finally know them and cut them out of your life. Think toxic friends, annoying exes, and anyone who has gone on multiple vacations in quarantine. Nobody needs Meaghan’s fifteenth set of beach pics in their feed. Trust me.


Uranus is playing games with your relationships this week, Leo, so be sure to check yourself before you wreck yourself with your significant other. Accidentally saying stupid shit, purposely saying stupid shit, and a whole range of other fight-starters are on the table while Uranus tangles with the Sun in your house of partnerships. (Please don’t mention any of that in your inevitable apology text.)


This week you will be faced with the age-old question: do I finish my work, or procrastinate just a little bit longer? Thanks to Uranus in your house of not giving a f*ck, the temptation to turn off Slack and turn on Real Housewives will be great. Honestly you might as well just call out sick now.


Stunting on Zoom? Don’t mind if you do. This week you’ll be feeling the urge to indulge your glam side, whether that be at an outdoor brunch with pals or a Zoom happy hour. If all else fails, bust out your favorite looks from back in the days when you actually went places and post ‘em on the ‘gram. Weren’t you just saying you needed a reason to use your ring light again?


Trouble in paradise, Scorpio? This week pesky Uranus is bringing trouble to your domestic realm, meaning if you don’t play your cards right there could be a house meeting in your future. And we all know nobody wants that. Try to exercise patience at home until Uranus is done trying to ruin your life. Better luck next time, ass planet!


If you find yourself feeling a little more “you” this week, thank the Leo full moon, which is helping you feel empowered and ready to take on the world. Are we still saying “girlboss”? Because if so, that. Now is the perfect time to go even deeper with your visions for the future, even if that means becoming one of those people who keeps a dream journal. You know you want to.


Your usually budget-conscious self may want to throw caution to the wind this week thanks to a little nudge from shopaholic Uranus, so do your best not to buy up everything in sight. And maybe just go ahead and set up your laptop to block all late night Amazon purchases for the next week or so. That’s when you’re likely to do the most damage.


You’ve been grooving along with the sun in your sign for a week now, but now Debbie Downer Uranus is here to crash your party. This week you may encounter a friend, relative, or just like, random person on the street who wants to use you as an emotional dumping ground. Do your best to limit these vent sessions to fifteen minutes or less. Unless we’re talking about the random person on the street, in which case feel free to walk away.


Drama is coming straight for your social sector, making you want to run and hide. Avoidance is all well and good, but there are only so many episodes of House Hunters you can watch before you go fully dead inside, and there are only so many texts you can leave unanswered before someone calls the police. Face your issues now so they don’t get worse down the line.

Images: Giphy 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.