Time To Go Deep: Weekly Horoscopes July 20-24

Mercury retrograde is officially over and it’s time to go deep with a new moon in Cancer. This watery, emotional energy is affecting everyone differently this week, but there’s one thing we can all count on: unexpectedly crying about an episode of a show you’ve seen one hundred times before. Sometimes the “Dinner Party” episode of The Office just hits different. You’ve been warned.


This Cancer new moon is shining a lunar light on your home life and finding it shady as f*ck. This week, issues on the home front come to the surface and basically demand to be dealt with. Whether it be a roommate who thinks doing the dishes means lightly splashing them with water or a neighbor who has taken up drumming in quarantine, it’s time to face the issue head-on. It might be awkward in the moment, but you’ll be happier when you’re eating off a clean dish in a quiet bedroom. We promise.


Did some misconceptions arise in your life when Mercury was in retrograde? Yeah, that’s what we thought. The Cancer new moon is the perfect time to get back to expressing yourself properly (i.e. not via shady Insta story) and get your communication skills back on track. Quarantine has been hard on everyone, and people are generally forgiving rn so don’t be afraid to message a few coworkers to say “sorry I lost my sh*t on Zoom last week.” They’ll appreciate it, and you’ll feel better.


The new moon in Cancer is electrifying your house of work and finances, meaning that now is the perfect time for a fresh start in your career. I mean, 99.9% of all careers are in complete chaos right now, so why not throw out the script and try something new? Your intuition will serve you well here, so don’t resist the urge to change up your priorities. It’s probably right.


The new moon is in your sign, Cancer, which can mean a new mission, if you choose to accept it. Keep an eye out for unusual or out-of-the-box opportunities that may present themselves this week, and definitely don’t tune out the voice in the back of your head pushing you to try new things. Unless it tells you to start a podcast. We’re good on those, actually.


The new moon in Cancer has you going deep, Leo, making this the perfect time to release some sh*t that is holding you back. Moving on is the name of the game this week, whether it be from a sh*tty job, a sh*tty friend, or a sh*tty ex. Basically, anything sh*tty that is keeping you from doing you has got to go. We’ve got enough to deal with with a global pandemic. No need to have a f*ckboy in the equation too.


You usually prefer to fly solo (mostly because people can’t get on your level), but this week the new moon in Cancer has you feeling the collaborative vibes. And sure, “collaboration” has taken on a whole new meaning in 2020, but that doesn’t mean the art of teamwork is dead. This week, don’t shy away from asking for help on a project, or reaching out to someone you’ve always wanted to work with. They could end up being the Gayle to your Oprah (bc let’s face it…you’re obviously Oprah.)


You’re making money moves this week, Libra, unemployment crisis be damned! This is a great week for making decisions regarding your financial future, and for laying the ground work to your success. Allow your ambition to take the wheel this week and follow where it leads you. It could lay the groundwork to your future life as a billionaire mogul.


Your desire for a 2020 summer vacation will come roaring back this week, Scorpio, whether that is actually possible or not. God damn you, inner travel influencer! If a small local getaway is safely possible, pack a bag and get thee to a socially distant beachfront location. If it’s not (aka you live in any major American city), lean into the staycation lifestyle by taking a day off. Did you know you’re allowed to take a vacation day even if the “vacation” is day drinking margaritas in your living room? If you close your eyes, it’s almost like your trip to Ibiza wasn’t canceled. Almost.


Summer 2020 has been intense for everyone, but no one so much as Sagittarius. You thrive on the fun-loving, fast-traveling, hot, hot, heat of summer so without that…yeah. You’re struggling. This week, Cancer lights up your eighth house of intimacy, meaning that your great summer adventure might finally present itself in the form of a relationship. Don’t ignore the people who pop into your life this week. They could be just the vacation you were looking for.


Pay attention to your ride or dies this week, Capricorn. With the new moon in your house of relationships, the people who show up for you now are the ones deserving of your time and energy. All the rest is just noise. And if that noise can’t even text back in a timely manner? It’s definitely time to delete and move on.


Some me time is in order, Aquarius. You’ve been holding down the fort for everyone in your life, but it’s time to give yourself a little TLC. The Cancer new moon is heightening your need for self-care, including but not limited to: long baths, decadent dinners, DIY face masks, and refusing to answer Rachel’s one hundredth text about how the pandemic is ruining her ability to tan and she doesn’t feel like herself when she’s not tan. You deserve the you time, and Rachel will be fine. Pale, but fine.


Lights, camera, Pisces! This week the spotlight is all on you as the Cancer new moon chills in your glam fifth house. Sure, this could bring a little bit of an “all dressed up with nowhere to go” feeling, but hey, that’s what Instagram is for. Feel free to show off your glowing skin and good hair days with abandon on the ‘gram. If people really hate it they can mute you (just like you did to them.)

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.