These 'Cosmo' Relationship Tips Are Completely Insane

Look guys, I don’t know what the f*ck is wrong with the writers at Cosmo. Are they on drugs? Have they never met people before? Are they all just f*cking with us for the fun of it? It’s hard to tell when they continue to give the worst advice ever. Their sex tips could get you arrested, make someone infertile, or at the very least, convince a guy you’re batshit crazy. But I guess they’re just super bored over there, because Cosmo does not know where to stop. In addition to wild sex tips, they also offer super solid relationship advice. Turn off Dr. Phil, here are the relationship tips you never knew you needed:

If He Thinks You’re Bad With Money, It Means He’s Going To Propose

“It’s that when he sees you buy that bag, he envisions you 20 years from now sneaking off to Vegas and blowing the kids’ college funds in an orgy of high-end boutique shopping and late-night keno. In a twisted way, his concern is kind of endearing, because it probably means he’s thinking about marrying you at some point.”

Or he’s pissed that you’re spending rent money on dumb shit and he has to pick up the slack? If he’s complaining that you’re bad with money, he def does not want to marry you. He’s probably thinking the exact opposite, like “Oh shit, if we’re married then it’s ‘our money’, and I will be f*cked.”

Proper Hygiene Means He’s Cheating

“He steps up the grooming. ‘This is so obvious, but it’s a sign many women miss: if your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he’s spending more time naked,’ says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: he’s spending more time at the gym.”

Is your boyfriend finally trimming his hair after you’ve bitched about it for three months? Is he showering regularly? Is his dirty laundry suddenly making it into the hamper? Has he finally decided to do something about his holiday weight? According to Cosmo, your bf is screwing his work wife and also thinks he’s a porn star. The only way to save this mess of a relationship is to dramatically accuse him of cheating with your ~evidence~. He’ll really appreciate it and vow to never do anything you ask again.

Don’t Tell Him If You Cheat

“Your mother may have told you that honesty is the best policy, but in this case, many experts advise keeping your mouth shut. ‘If it really was just one indiscretion, don’t tell him,’ says psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner, PhD, author of Cheaters. ‘Although it might make you feel better, it will only hurt him and ruin the trust between you.'”

Ah, yes. The foundation of any healthy relationship, hiding your infidelity. You’re accusing him of cheating for changing his socks every day, but def don’t tell him that you actually cheated. Who needs therapy when Cosmo is there for you? Who is this f*cking expert and where did you get your PhD? The hurting him and the ruining of trust came from your f*cking someone else, not the telling part of it. And my degree is in animation.  Congrats on your fairytale marriage!

Be An Asshole And Then Bribe Him

“Cut him in line at Starbucks like an a**hole but then pay for his latte like an angel. This way he knows you’re both assertive and rich. First he’ll be like, ‘I cannot believe this woman just cut me in line, I’m going to be so late!’ but then he’ll be like, ‘Wow she was actually doing a kind gesture, we should date and maybe get married.'”

Oh, where to begin with this one? First of all, I really like that being able to afford a prob $5 latte shows men that you are rich. Also, cutting someone in line in LA is a really good way to get stabbed because we don’t f*ck around here, especially pre-coffee. But like maybe after he stabs you, he’ll want to get married? Also, why is buying someone a latte (against their will, I might add) grounds for marriage? Cosmo, your standards suck.

Pretend You Know How To Read

“Ask him what book he’s reading and then say, ‘That one’s good, but her other work is much better,’ no matter what book it is.”

In the same advice article, Cosmo also wants you to look like a complete f*cking idiot. I’m not convinced any of these morons know how to read anything more complex than Cosmo. One Redditor was hoping the guy was reading Mein Kampf, which would be absolutely f*cking hilarious. It is so obnoxious when you can tell someone is lying about liking something to look cool and makes you look way dumber than just saying you haven’t read it and asking what it’s about. This is just like when I met my work crush’s girlfriend and I described my writing style by listing an author I drew inspiration from, and she told me he was her favorite author and then she couldn’t talk about it at all. It was soooo embarassing and also I loved it. Then she brought her vape out and asked me if I had cocaine. Needless to say, they broke up and I no longer was interested because I am not following up that trash person. Don’t f*cking do this.

So yeah, take any dating advice you read with a huge grain of salt. Otherwise, you might end up stabbed in a coffee shop or something. I love Cosmo as much as the next person, but this stuff is literally insane.

Images: Shutterstock; 

Holly Hammond
Holly Hammond
Holly is an ex-sorority girl with the personality of Elle Woods meets Wednesday Addams. She is an artist, writer, animator, and part-time magician. Her parents are v proud but also like to ask her when she's going to get a real job. Buy art from her so she can pay for her bulldog's dermatologist.