The Ultimatum, Netflix’s messiest reality dating show, brought out the big guns this season with an all-queer cast. Already, The Ultimatum: Queer Love, unlike its straight counterpart, has packed an unforgettable punch with quintessential queer fights involving animals in bed, childhood trauma, and who stuck whose fingers where. It’s messy, dramatic, and super gay, with conversations on sexuality, gender, and a ton of loaded marriage talk, obviously. But of course, the queerest conversation has yet to be seen: questioning your new partner about their zodiac sign.
As every queer person knows, asking your partner their zodiac sign — and for the queerest among us, their entire birth chart — is a fundamental moment on date one. Understanding whether your astrology matches up, and calculating how likely the relationship will last because of it, is equally, if not more, important than aligning on kids, marriage, politics, and whether or not to buy a Flash Pass at Six Flags. (Looking at you for that last one, Virgos.) No matter the pace of the relationship, nearly every queer person eventually whips out Co-Star to check how many happy faces a potential love interest may have. Therefore, I’ve ranked The Ultimatum: Queer Love cast by how quickly they’d bring up zodiac signs in a relationship. If the show isn’t willing to ask the hard questions, someone has to.
The minute you walk through the door, Mildred is asking for your sun, moon, and rising signs (and TBH, your Mercury, Venus, and Mars, too). If they don’t align with hers, she’ll kindly tell you in a loud voice (she is NOT yelling) that the time you were born is actually your fault and you should take it up with your mom. Better yet, Mildred can call her right now and probably already put her on speed dial. How dare you be an air sign when she is a loud, proud Virgo?!
Vanessa is literally foaming at the mouth over a chance to fake intimacy with another person. What better way to arbitrarily decide you’re meant for each other than comparing birth charts? That said, Vanessa would need an entire hour of the first date to talk about her own chart before even thinking about asking you what your sign is. Better yet, she brought Tarot cards hoping you know how to read them. It’s not for you; it’s so she can know if “Instagram influencer” is in her future.
An Aquarius CARES about the zodiac and Tiff is no different. They are searching every Aquarius hashtag to look at movie moments branded “Aquarius” thinking, “God, that’s me.” They’ll likely wait until the second date to ask you your zodiac sign because they forgot to on the first. They had other priorities to settle, like figuring out if you’re okay with a giant husky sharing a double bed with you on your first night together.
Yoly has her shit figured out and part of that is knowing her partner’s horoscope through and through. She’s getting zodiacs out of the way on date three, allowing enough time to understand your values before spending the next several dates walking you through every painstaking detail of your synastry chart. If you align on the bigger things like finances, kids, and marriage, she may be willing to overlook the fact you’re a Libra. But mark her words, she will never yield for an Aquarius.
Despite being a Capricorn, Lexi seems like she’d care about zodiac signs enough to bring it up on one of the first few dates. If you’re not an Earth sign who’s grounded and knows WTF they want, though, Lexi’s not wasting her time. Fire signs, though fun, are a big no-no to Lexi, who has a timeline for getting shit done and sticking to it. She’s pretty adamant that your sign correlates to how you’ll act in a relationship and will unapologetically bring it up to her parents in front of you that the reason you’re out of line is because Mercury is in Aquarius.
Now, Aussie may seem oblivious to the zodiac, but believe me, Aussie isn’t. In fact, Aussie knows exactly which astrology signs do and don’t go together because Aussie is a calculated Gemini — one who wants to know the outcome before engaging. Aussie understands Geminis are impulsive, like running away after hearing Mildred’s name dropped in conversation, but Aussie’s working on it and trying to improve. Aussie will likely ask for your sign by the fourth date and then leave without a trace for an extended period of time, regardless of what sign you are.
Mal is a catch. They’re charming enough to have gone on many dates which requires a sizeable knowledge of the zodiac system. I mean, look at them. They clearly have game, and part of that has to do with knowing how to navigate astrology, the number one hot topic of queer conversations. Still, Mal will likely let you broach the zodiac conversation and will gas you up no matter if they got “absolutely not” when Googling your zodiac compatibility. They don’t care as long as you both share “vibes.” Vibes, as we know from the show, is one of their favorite things.
Rae doesn’t ask you your zodiac; you ask Rae. Really, Rae finds astrology stuff amusing but doesn’t think past fun, quirky BuzzFeed quizzes telling you stereotypical attributes your sign has, like that Scorpios are secretly Jeffrey Dahmer or Pisces would TOTALLY be Ariel if they were a Disney Princess. Cancer is a caretaker, cool, but she’s not gonna make that her entire personality in a relationship. More than anything, Rae could either go an entire relationship forgetting your sign or ask you every now and then to look at a TikTok detailing what your sign might wear in the summer.
Seeing as Xander is not only a Gemini, but also a relatively stable human being who doesn’t base their entire personality on astrology signs (me), Xander would wait until their partner brought up astrology before ever asking questions themselves. Their history with zodiac signs is stumbling upon one masterpost breaking each sign down on Tumblr that a Bumble ex-girlfriend made them read before their date. They won’t remember a lot about astrology, but they’ll try really hard if it means a lot to you. Mostly, they’re just trying to avoid conflict.
Sam knows what the zodiac is but has no idea any of the logistics of astrology, given the fact she, an Aquarius, has invested so much time in Aussie, a Gemini. She’ll nod along at a party if you talk extensively about it and insert good follow-up questions, but bring up specifics like the Secret Language of Birthdays and she’ll be lost. It’s cool you share a birthday with whatever high-profile celebrity you just mentioned, but Sam refuses to look up who was born on her birthday. She doesn’t want to know the answers to these questions, let alone anything about compatibility.
All Images Courtesy of Netflix.