Quarantining for coronavirus affects all of us differently. I mean, there really isn’t a wrong way to handle being in quarantine, as long as you’re actually quarantining and staying home! For some people, this is their total dream to stay at home and cancel all plans and not go to work. Others are going stir crazy with anxiety and obsessively checking the news. But whoever you are in this pandemic, let’s hope you’re staying the f*ck home so that we can get this over with. Remember, the sooner we can social distance and get this under control, the sooner we can go back to playing outside like real people. Don’t f*ck it up for all of us. Here are the types of people in quarantine:
Look, we get it, germs are all around us and are trying to murder us, particularly now. You go ahead and have fun Lysoling your shoes, Cloroxing the door handle, and making your Postmates delivery driver follow a complicated set of directions so that you don’t come into contact when they drop off your food. Just make sure you’re not hoarding the Purell, okay?
For a lot of people, this is the first time they’ve actually stayed home and cooked a meal in years. But now that all socializing is dead, we have nothing but time to learn how to be gourmet chefs via YouTube. Cooking is a great skill to learn under quarantine, however, please politely remember that no one cares. We don’t care about your meal prep, grocery list, or how you cook your very basic meal of choosing. Keep it to yourself. You don’t win an award because you’re not Postmates-ing McDonald’s every night, and anybody can throw a pasta dish together.
I’m sorry, but no, if you’re being this positive about quarantine, you are being the worst. This is not a gift. This f*cking sucks, people are dying, but congratulations on using your time efficiently. If yoga, crystals, and knitting are keeping you off the edge in these highly anxious times, then fine, but please shut the f*ck up about it.
I am this image and I don’t even mind. What’s the point of showering? What’s the point of plucking your eyebrows? No one is around to see you, except maybe your dog or roommates. Why bother getting dressed or brushing the Cheetos dust off your shirt? Plus, you can’t get your roots done, your mustache waxed, or your eyebrows or nails done anyway so things are going to be rough for a while no matter what you do. Enjoy this time. (But try to at least take a shower.)
With the gyms closing, fitness nuts everywhere are losing their sh*t. This is a particularly trying time for those of us in tiny city apartments (hi!). From trying to figure out how the f*ck we’ll get our 10,000 steps in a 500-square-foot apartment to using things around the house to keep our lifting schedule, gym goers everywhere are getting pretty crafty. So go ahead, squat your couch. sprint up and down your tiny hallway, annoy the sh*t out of your downstairs neighbors, because when we finally are allowed out again, everyone is going to be sooo jealous of your abs.
Actually though, what are you people who bought out all the toilet paper doing with it all now? You just have like, 10 years worth of toilet paper stored in your garage? Are you making TP forts? You’re all assholes for hoarding so much and making everyone freak out. DO NOT be that guy.
Congratulations if you’re actually getting work done while working from home! But like, if this Zoom meeting could have been an email, I don’t blame you for secretly watching Netflix with the subtitles on instead. Do whatever you’ve got to do to survive. You’ll look back on these times fondly when you’re inevitably trapped in your tiny cubicle for the rest of your life.
Which quarantine type are you? How are you staying sane? What’s the best/worst parts of quarantine? Let me know in the comments, I’m desperate for any kind of entertainment or human interaction.
Images: Holly Hammond; Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash