This week, I was stoned feeling in the Christmas spirit, and obvs turned to Netflix in hopes of finding It’s A Wonderful Life or that version of Little Women with baby Kirsten Dunst some other heartwarming shit. Instead, I found the 1994 film The Santa Clause, starring Tim Allen, and you *know* I put that shit on immediately.
I hadn’t seen The Santa Clause in a while, but I remembered the basic plot: Divorced dad (Tim Allen) accidentally kills Santa, making him the new Santa. Hilarity ensues.
I remember watching this movie as a child and thinking, “Yep! This all checks out and makes sense to my child brain!” But, rewatching as an adult, I have some questions. And sure, I was high as shit not watching as attentively as I could have been, but I think it’s crazy that The Santa Clause has been allowed to go all these years without addressing some of its essential plot problems. @TimAllen, please address these glaring issues ASAP.
1. WTF Do These Adults Think Is Happening On Christmas?
So like, in this world, Santa exists, right? But then like, all the adults don’t think he exits, which is typical. But my question is….where do the parents think the presents come from on Christmas? Like, they know they didn’t buy this shit, and it literally appeared overnight so…wtf? This goes for Miracle On 34th Street, and any other movie where Santa exists but adults don’t know about it.
2. Can Someone Really Lose Their Kid For Acting Like Santa?
Mid-way through the movie, Tim Allen loses visitation rights for his son because they think he’s encouraging his son’s unhealthy obsession with Santa. I mean, I guess letting your kid believe in Santa for too long—or believe that you actually *are* Santa—is kind of messed up, but considering there are moms who breastfeed their kids till they’re 10 and hipsters who name their babies “Alabastor”, this seems crazy to me that some over-the-top holiday fun would cause someone to lose their child.
3. Why Doesn’t Tim Allen Believe In Psychology?
Throughout the film (and yes, we are referring to The Santa Clause as a film) Tim Allen is constantly reminding everyone that Neil, his ex-wife’s new husband, is not a real doctor, he’s merely a “psychologist.” But like…hey man…you’re a grown person experiencing vivid hallucinations that you are becoming Santa Clause and it’s literally turning you into Santa. It’s like a hysterical pregnancy but…for Santa. Maybe you could benefit from some of Neil’s expertise? Just sayin’….
4. Why Are All The Elves Little Children Except Bernard Who Is Like 16?
This movie needs to make a decision about the age of elves. They all reference how “old” they are (sidenote: did Game of Thrones steal the concept of the Children Of The Forest from The Santa Clause? They’re shadily similar…), but they’re all played by children, except Bernard, who is a teen. Is Bernard just like, the oldest of all the elves, which is why he has progressed into his teens? Anybody else weirded out by the fact that one teenage boy is in charge of all these little kids?
The back-and-forth on the elves’ ages leads to a lot of weirdness. Particularly this exchange when Judy the elf (played by a literal 9-year-old) thinks the Santa Clause is hitting on her:
Hard pass on all that.
5. Is This Movie Like…Actually Really Good?
Y’all. I gotta say. I truly, madly, deeply enjoyed re-watching The Santa Clause. I thought it would be a hate-watch, but no. It was just a regular watch. Tim Allen is funny in it, and I was surprised how many lines I remembered. Like this:
I lolled at this! Popo Gigio! I remember that shit from the trailer. I can’t remember anything that happened yesterday, but I remember Popo Gigio. And you know what…it’s still funny. For real! Again, I was high as hell, but, I will stand by Popo Gigio.
Next up: The literally insane version of Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas starring Jim Carrey where they actually try to give the Grinch a love interest, because everyone knows their first thought after reading The Grinch for the first time was, “but does he fuck?”
And yes, I will be stoned throughout.
