One of the greatest problems we face as a society is the group of relentless haters intent on spreading the misguided lie that reality television is “trash” or a “waste of time.” Yes, these people deserve our outrage and bewilderment, but they also deserve our empathy. Imagine missing out on the single most enthralling, emotional, all-consuming, and extremely scientific social experiment of our time. Imagine an existence sans Kris Jenner, Paris Hilton, Kyle Richards, or Toni Braxton to worship and turn to in times of need. And imagine a future with no bombshell Andy Cohen-hosted reunion episodes.
It’s understandable if that thought experiment makes you feel ill. The truth is, the reality royal families give us a profound purpose in this life. Some call it “rotting,”but others call it “transformation.” While we’re laying on our peasant couches and eating our peasant chips, we’re bearing witness to the messy but deeply moving humanization of our rulers. We’re gaining life-changing insights into the human experience. We’re seeing examples of what to do and (mostly) what not to do in our own lives.
The Kardashians, the Osbournes, the Giudices, the Richards, and the Braxtons have always run their kingdoms with a fierce commitment to serving the people what we crave: escapism, luxury, and drama in its purest form. The D’Amelios and the Earles have, of course, gone to battle and fought for their own kingdoms in recent years, but they haven’t succeeded just yet. For now, as of the publication of our Reality TV Textbook, these five families run the world, and thank goodness they do.
The Kardashians
Kardashionia is a complex and awe-inspiring matriarchal society. Ever since the dawn of time (the sex tape that started it all), they’ve steadily committed to the grind. Especially Kris Jenner and North West. This family’s brains, beauty, and questionable decision-making skills have helped them rule brilliantly for generations. They’ll likely continue to have a tight grip on Gen Alpha and all the girlies to come. We despise them, we mock them, we adore them, and we constantly try to copy them.
Kris Jenner: The Queen of All Queens
Yeah, and the CEO, the Founder, the Mom of the Century… you name it. There’s a reason why they say: “The Devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder.” She built the Kardashian empire from the ground up and continues to be the genius mastermind behind the whole operation.
Kim Kardashian: The King/Royal Lawyer
No one gets their ass up and works better than Kim K — shoutout SKIMS — and that’s why she deserves the King title. (Plus, she’s the one everyone cares the most about.) Mind you, this woman will also be taking over the family legal matters as soon as she passes the bar exam. Was that terrifying 2021 Met Gala fit legal though?
Scott Disick: The Jester
Being a royal is very serious business, and the powerful women need someone to give them a good chuckle sometimes. That’s where Scott comes in — he’s gifted at being utterly ridiculous.
North West: The Future Meghan Markle
A natural in front of the camera. Charisma for days. North is a superstar at the tender age of 10. It’s entirely plausible that she may choose to leave the Kardashiona Kingdom and forge her own path elsewhere. Siri, please play Elementary School Dropout.
Khloé Kardashian: Kardashian Princess #1
Us subjects eat up a royal underdog, and we’ve been stanning Khloé since 2007. She’s a character arc goddess with super-concerning relationship drama and drastic physical transformations that keep the people captivated.
Kourtney Kardashian: Kardashian Princess #2
She’s kind of always been in the background and seems slightly bitter at all times, but Kourtney does make a helluva sleeping gummy. Bless her.
Kylie Jenner: That’s Dame Billionaire Kylie To You
Kylie = Dame because that’s a title you have to earn. Miss Kylie, the youngest “self-made” “billionaire” ever, worked hard to earn her fortune and status. For real though, Kylie’s Cosmetics changed the culture and made the world a better place.
Kendall Jenner: The Unifying Prince
If that miraculously healing 2017 Pepsi commercial didn’t move you to tears, you might not have a soul. Not to mention, this veteran model also practices cultural exchange with her not-at-all-controversial tequila company, 818. She’s simply dedicated to bringing the people together.
The Osbournes
All aboooaaard! HAhahahah. The three years of MTV’s The Osbournes in the 2000s did really feel like a *Crazy Train* ride. This royal family specializes in heavy metal music, wild antics, and now… podcasting. They’ve had their fair share of tough moments and controversies over the decades, but their faces somehow show up everywhere even today.
Ozzy: The High-As-a-Kite King
Ozzy once said: “Over the past 40 years, I’ve been loaded on booze, coke, acid, Quaaludes, glue, cough mixture, heroin, Rohypnol, Klonopin, Vicodin, and too many other heavy-duty substances to list in this footnote.” According to the King, “It’s called rock ‘n’ roll.” There ya have it – troubling and iconic.
Sharon: The Queen, Obviously
The ever-chatty Queen of our Screens, professional judge, and music manager is a natural leader — and good thing, ‘cause she’s had to lead her family through a lot. Behind every heavy metal star is the woman who, um, kept him and his career alive.
Jack: The Prince
He’s done an A+ job honoring the king’s legacy by producing a documentary about his father and also directing a music video for Ozzy. Next-in-line-for-the-throne behavior! Snaps.
Kelly: The ~Prodigy~ Princess
This pop queen inherited, well, at least her father’s love of music. Say what you want about her voice and stage presence, but “One Word” is literally pop gold.
Aimee: The Royal Rebel
She declined to appear on The Osbournes and has taken issue with her parents’ public personas at times. It’s giving major eldest daughter energy.
The 13 Dogs: The Royal Court
Behind the scenes, the baker’s dozen of devoted dogs really ran the show for this family back in the day. They’re never given the recognition they deserve.
The Giudices
Life would be so boring and uninspired without Housewives sensation Teresa Giudice and her crew. If there’s one memoir that will change your life, it’s Teresa’s Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again. She and her partner-in-crime ex-husband, Joe Giudice, have captivated the public with their relationship and legal troubles, and they’re raising four perfect heir-to-the-throne girlies.
Teresa: Queen of Housewives
This fierce, Italian RHONJ queen is a Bravo household name. Teresa’s served her time (11 months for fraud to be exact) and also served the people three fire cookbooks. Maybe don’t follow her legal example, but absolutely go try her tequila lime cheesecake bars and penne alla vodka as soon as possible.
Joe: The Banished Criminal King
A Father, Founder, Entrepreneur, and Federal Fraud Master. What more can you ask for? This king may have been deported to Italy and lost his status as Teresa’s Husband, but he’ll always be a messy icon in his own right.
Gia: The Much-Needed Royal Lawyer
Gia is just That Girl. The Insta influencer plans to become “a very successful lawyer and have a lucrative clothing business on the side.” Slay. The fam could definitely use her lawyer skills.
Gabriella: The Tri Delta Princess
We stan educated royalty. This princess is busy Getting That Degree from the University of Michigan – and enjoying the sorority life, obvi.
Milania: The Talented Princess
Milania has walked the runway at New York Fashion Week, released a smash hit single, “I Just Can’t Wait to Grow Up,” and expressed her dreams to star in movies. How do I apply to be her?
Audriana: The Baby Princess
Manifesting nothing but peace and joy for this 14-year-old SHEIN ambassador who was literally born on camera and had to deal with bullying because of the king’s naughty actions.
The Richards
It’s past time to pay our respects to our divine monarchs, the Richards (and Hiltons). For decades now, they have dutifully served us extremely problematic arguments, relationship catastrophes, and shocking glimpses of their lavish lifestyles. Kyle and her daughters own the Beverly Hills territory and also all of the real estate industry. Plus, Paris Hilton owns my heart and dominates my playlists.
Kyle Richards: The Beverly Hills Queen
Only a queen could do the impossible and survive 27 years of marriage (RIP) in Beverly Hills. From The Little House on the Prairie to horror movies to Bravo stardom, Kyle professionally slays every genre of acting and reacting. As the the last remaining original cast member on RHOBH, she’s earned her title.
Kim Richards: America’s Unhinged Royal Aunt
The Amsterdam Dinner of Nightmares is completely relatable to anyone who’s ever attended their family’s Thanksgiving dinner. Aunts say wild shit sometimes, and no one is better at the practice than Kim.
Kathy Hilton: Head of the Socialites
Kathy deserves your respect. She’s been hustling for years to give us skincare, party dresses, antiques, perfume, and Paris Fucking Hilton. This woman is a socialite’s north star.
Farrah Brittany Aldjufrie: The Boss Bitch Princess
While other royals chill and let the help do everything, Farrah is out here working with her nepotism advantages, starring in Buying Beverly Hills, and killing the real estate game at her stepfather’s company.
Alexia Simone Umansky: The Other Daddy’s Girl Princess
Like Farrah, Alexia is busy doing her Richards royal duties at The Agency, her father’s real estate business.
Sophia Kylie Umansky: The Real-Life Princess
Some girlies are simply born for the crown, and that’s Sophia. She seems to be somewhat involved with her father’s company… but her exact role is unclear. Also, her sheer and fluffy pink dress for her 24th birthday is a princess staple.
Portia Umansky: The Eye-On-The-Prize Princess
Portia’s a smart cookie — she’s strategically following in her mother’s footsteps, maybe all the way to the throne. The Bravo daughter wants to be an actress like Kyle, and, considering she was born on TV, I think these dreams are definitely feasible.
Paris Hilton: The People’s Princess
“Stars Are Blind” not winning song of the year at the Grammys is one of the worst pop culture crimes in history. This pop star, reality star, and fashion icon spends her time DJing, sliving, and advocating against child abuse. All hail Paris.
The Braxtons
A quick lesson in ethics: Braxton Family Values should be the moral pillars of your life. Basically, the voice of an angel, a healthy amount of playfulness, a dash of feuding, and a pretty insane work ethic are required for this type of royal lifestyle. The competitive, musical Braxton sisters exemplify the importance of going to battle for your status and annoying the living hell out of your family. The fans/loyal subjects couldn’t be more grateful that the queens and princesses are returning to WEtv with The Braxtons.
Toni Braxton: Co-Queen
This reality x R&B queen has sold more than 70 million records worldwide and won seven Grammy awards, NBD. She’s just a gifted girl — she can’t help it if she was destined to go solo and shine a little brighter than the rest of her family.
Evelyn Braxton: Co-Queen
She once ordered a piña colada sans alcohol on the show, and that’s called leading by example with a brilliant idea. Evelyn is a natural matriarch and even offers certified life coaching and counseling to peasants. Too generous!
Traci Braxton: The Braxton Palace Angel
Although Traci tragically passed away in 2022, the singer, TV star, radio personality, and do-gooder’s memory will live on in pop culture forever.
Towanda Braxton: The Workaholic Princess
Towanda doesn’t believe in down time, which makes her a highly unusual royal. She’s always kept up the royal reputation, making sure that the reality show was on track and packing her schedule with music, TV, and film opps.
Trina Braxton: The Party Princess
“If you didn’t come to party, then ya better go home” is one of the most important lyrics of this century. To be fair, Trina also deserves credit for being the successful business girlie of the group.
Tamar Braxton: The Royal Troublemaker
She will do and say whatever the fuck she wants, and we have to both criticize it and admire it. The claim that Towanda’s husband was pimping her? Maybe not. Saying she wants a nanny who blends hot dogs and cheeseburgers together and drinks it? Absolutely.
