Welcome back to the beach, betches! Every week, ABC promises us that the footage we’ll see will be the most dramatic content to ever grace our Bachelor in Paradise screens, and then I sit through four hours of Ashley I peeing on a public beach. It seems like ABC has been holding us hostage all season, dangling promises of a supposed high-stakes “twist.” A twist that is so dynamic, so dramatic, it will allegedly stir up such strong emotions in Bachelor Nation as to generate the 1.21 gigawatts needed to transport Marty McFly back to the future.
And, look, I’ll admit that I’ve been curious about what this twist entails. Bachelor in Paradise used to be my favorite in the franchise. It was under-produced and overly dramatic. Now, it’s but a pale comparison to its former self. More drama happens at Stagecoach than on that godforsaken beach. It’s been needing something to reignite viewer interest and love for the franchise.
Well, after watching this week’s big, twisty reveal, I can confidently say the twist is certainly… something. By “something,” I mean that ABC is just going to copy and paste directly from Love Island’s homework.
Similar to Love Island, ABC will introduce a Casa Amor situation, wherein they break up the current couples into separate houses and then bring in new, hot singles to ramp up the tension and emotionally devastate those who were stupid enough to tentatively trust the opposite sex. Let’s get into it!
Buongiorno, BITCHES!
Before I launch into the meat of the episodes, let’s first talk about the rose ceremony, which dominated much of Monday night’s footage. I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for the low-hanging fruit mozzarella anymore, but here I am writing about Pizza Peter. I didn’t mention much about Pizza Peter in my recap last week, and that was strategic. We all need to protect our peace. My “peace” is not wasting brain cells talking about a man whose existence is the result of some sort of synergistic explosion of influencer hashtags given human form. There’s only so much the wine can dull.
Last week, Peter took Brittany on a yacht date, and my credit score went down just listening to him describe his business practices. How did Brittany feel about the date? Well…
BRITTANY: I feel really grateful. It was a really nice yacht.
Brittany chalks up the bad energy to a “win some, lose some” situation, and I assume she is talking about her brain cells here. Same, girl. Peter, on the other hand, handles the rejection differently. He starts telling all the guys that, actually, he’s not into Brittany. He’s the one who didn’t have a good time on the date.
Not only did he not have a good time on the date, but Brittany was just using him for clout. Lol. He’s like, “I’m not trying to stir the marinara sauce, but I don’t think Brittany is here for the right reasons,” and then directs us to his swipe up code. Sir, you have not once stopped talking about your CiCi’s Pizza empire since you’ve walked onto that beach. Methinks the pizza-preneur doth protest too much.
Old Man Winter—I’m sorry, Casey—is willing to be the hero the beach didn’t ask for and confront Peter about his shit talking. Well, actually, he’s not going to confront Peter. He’s going to gossip with Brittany about it a safe distance away and then she’ll actually be the one doing the confronting. What can he say? He’s a feminist!
Watching the Peter drama play out during the rose ceremony is making me take a good, long look at this world we live in. It’s also making me wish I grew up on the Oregon Trail and then died of cholera. A girl can dream.
A couple of things happen next: first, the women of Paradise confront Peter about his bad behavior. The energy is very “kill the beast,” and though none of them are carrying pitchforks or metal pipes, I would not put it past them to inflict some blunt force trauma with those margarita glasses. The next thing that happens is that, in the midst of all the yelling, Casey falls and can’t get back up. That’s right, our unlikely hero went full on Bridgerton and actually swooned to get the attention back on himself.
CASEY ON THIS BEACH RN:
But boy did that “fall” backfire. Instead of getting a pity rose from Brittany, he leaves Paradise early via an ambulance stretcher (he twisted his ankle). Peter takes that as his cue to get the hell back to his Sbarro’s, but not before leaving us with one final, stunning quote:
PETER: All I gotta say is, BUONGIORNO BITCHES!!
JACOB: *using his last remaining brain cell* doesn’t that mean “good morning” though?
I love that Jacob is like “that’s not even linguistically accurate!” I appreciate that you’re putting the one Italian class you took in college to good use, but I think you’re missing the bigger picture, buddy. Speaking of the bigger picture, here are the rose ceremony results:
Rose Ceremony Couples:
- Serene picks Brandon
- Jill picks Jacob
- Lace picks Rodney
- Genevieve picks Aaron
- Shanae picks Logan
- Victoria picks Johnny
- Brittany picks Andrew
- Danielle picks Zaddy
Rose Ceremony Rejects:
- James
- Justin
- Casey
- Pizza Peter
Play Time Is Over
Post-rose ceremony, production would have us believe that the couples are in a catatonic state of blissed-out love. I’m sorry, but I think that’s just the bottom-shelf tequila Wells is poisoning them with. We’ve got Serene and Brandon baby-birding each other fresh fruit. Genevieve and Aaron making out with so much visible angst they could be two high school seniors in a Meg Cabot novel. Jill. who’s looking at Jacob over the breakfast table like she now sleeps with a lock of his hair. There’s Lace, who’s holding on to Rodney with as much strength as that glue is holding onto her eyelash extensions. And Shanae and Logan, who still seem shocked to find themselves dateable prospects on the beach. There’s so much peace and tranquility, it makes me sick.
Thank god for Jesse Palmer, who takes one look at all that burgeoning love and sets fire to the whole damn thing. He gathers all the idiots around and tells them things are about to change.
JESSE: Are you happy? Do you trust your partner implicitly?
ALSO JESSE:
Jesse tells us that the women will be banished to another property for a week, and in their place a new set of women will descend upon the beach: Jessenia (Matt’s season), Kate (Clayton’s season), Australian Hottie, Eliza (Clayton’s season), and Sarah (Clayton’s season). At the end of the week, the men (who have the roses this week, mind you) will decide if they’re happy in their original pairings, or if they’re ready to find love with someone else.
Jesse tells us that the point of this “twist” is to test their relationships, to see if they’re ready to do this thing in the real world. Oh, Jesse. These are not test-taking kinds of guys (unless those tests are court-mandated, of course). They think self-restraint is that one time they tried edging and hated it! They’re never going to get through this.
JESSE PALMER ON THE BEACH RN:
I will say, I’m enjoying myself watching this chaos unfold. The comedic timing of the new girls’ arrival cannot be overstated. Johnny’s like, “These new girls look ready to be here,” as the cameras pan back to the original women dragging their sweat and sand-crusted luggage down the beach. “We’re haggard!”, Jill shrieks, as Lace loses half an eyelash and Genevieve disintegrates into a puddle of body glitter and tears.
The men are welcoming the new women as if the beach is their own personal Playboy mansion. Guys, you’re a little less Hugh Hefner, a little more sad Space Jam aliens beholden to the Monstar overlord. Know your place.
Cut to the original women, who are hauling ass down the freeway in the world’s saddest car ride ever. I’m sure they didn’t think that car ride was going to be on national television, but I am living for their bad attitudes. I have seen that despondent look before, but it’s usually etched on the faces of a group of girls who just survived 72 hours of SARA’S LAST FLING BEFORE THE RING without any water, sleep, or hope of recouping the Christmas bonus they spent so Sara could chug Veuve Clicquot out of a penis-shaped bong.
They get to their new abode, and even the sight of running water and full-sized beds cannot turn those frowns upside down. Serene’s like, “I was sad to leave, but I think we’ll have fun,” with less enthusiasm than words can describe. Ladies, buck up. At least you have AC! These men are not better than AC.
But when it rains, it pours. Literally. As the women settle in for the night, they hear a crack of ominous thunder in the distance, and Jill smiles smugly as if all is going well with her spell. They’re like, “I hope it rains on the guys’ parade tonight!”, and then cackle at the thought of those new, fresh-faced women testing the life expectancy of their hair extensions in that downpour. Meanwhile, the men are like, “Rain? Sweet! Wet t-shirt contest!”
The energy radiating off of these guys right now… you’d think they got a second lease on life. They keep talking about how fun and awesome these new girls are, and it’s like, yeah, they haven’t spent three weeks stranded on a desert island being bogged down by your bullshit. Of course they seem fun and awesome! Talk to me next week, when you’ve sucked the life force out of them.
It’s at this time that Michael and Danielle return from their date. On Monday night’s episode, Michael was saved from self-eliminating during the rose ceremony by the fortuitous timing of Danielle M’s arrival. While the rest of the island descended into a bacchanalian orgy, they were discussing the trials and tribulations of dating after loss (Michael is a widow and Danielle’s fiancé overdosed). Imagine coming back from your date and finding that the island has gone to complete shit. Like, they just went through an intensive therapy session, only to walk into toga night at the frat house.
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Back at the new BiP house, morale is low. Luckily, Jesse has a gift for them. He may be the grinch who stole Christmas, but he still has a show to host. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the ill-wish doll Jill made of him out of a bar of soap and a banana leaf. Hell hath no fury like a woman with a charged crystal.
He tells the women that just like the men, they will also be getting a new batch of Paradisers to flirt with: Rick (Michelle’s season), Olu (Michelle’s season), Alex (Rachel Lindsay’s season), Tyler (Gabby + Rachel’s season), and boy Australian Hottie. I know the women don’t see it this way because they can’t get their hair extensions out of their asses, but this is HUGE for them. They have the advantage here. They know they have new guys, but the boys back on the beach think they’re crying in a motel right about now. Take advantage of the narrative, ladies!!!
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Out With The Old & In With The New
So, now that the stage has been set, let’s look at the brave few who were willing to test the bounds of their relationships:
Tyler is a hot commodity. Tyler arrives on the women’s side of the island and immediately attracts the attention of Shanae and Brittany. I’m not sure I understand Shanae’s type. She says that the Australian guy is attractive, but Tyler is “WOAH.” So she dates Clayton and James (meatheads), Logan (who is the human equivalent of an AOL away message) and now… Tyler? Is it attraction, or will she just go for whoever’s face production’s dart lands on this week?
Brittany is also very into Tyler. So much so that within minutes of his arrival, she’s like, “Andrew who??” (Reminder: after the Pizza Peter drama, she and Andrew coupled up). I’m watching all of this Tyler propaganda, and I really just want to scream HE OWNS A BOARDWALK STAND IN NEW JERSEY. He thinks knowing people in “the industry” is knowing the people who work the Auntie Anne’s stand. What is the allure here?
But it’s Shanae who secures a date card and some one-on-one alone time with Tyler. How does their date go? Well, Shanae is quick to tell us that she’s “Wet in every crack.” So I guess… well?
Shanae is not even thinking of Logan, who actually struggles during his date with Sarah, she’s just thinking about what kind of carnival tricks Tyler can lay on her in the boom boom room. Sadly, they aren’t able to consummate their attraction for one another, as Jill does the lord’s work and cock blocks the hell out of them. She’s sitting there eating late-night pizza, making wounded animal sounds, and deflating Tyler’s penis, as Shanae tries to commit homicide with her mind. The way I need a spin-off show of Jill just dating in the wild. It’s not a want, but a NEED.
Jacob is the first to misbehave. On the men’s side of town, Jacob barely hesitates before going all in with Kate. By “all in,” I mean he starts doing things with Kate in that hot tub that would break certain laws in the Midwest.
KATE: I will take a crab and ride it into the ocean if I have to.
You’re more apt to ride him until you get crabs, but whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night.
How is Jill handling this new development? Not well, bitch! While Jacob is well on his way to giving Kate a UTI in that hot tub, Jill is praying to her moonstones and telling us that she will “blow his dick clean off” if he messes around. I LOVE this energy. I want fire and brimstone, all dark no stars. Her wrath better create a new fucking fault line in the earth. Live your truth, Jill!
Lace returns to the beach. All episode, Lace has been succumbing to every inch of the hysteria that comes with being 32 and competing for male attention with women who still let their parents pay for their car insurance. I think Lace knows this thing with Rodney was tenuous at best, but as Serene so wisely puts it: it’s one thing to know that, and another to accept it.
The energy Lace is giving us is full-on Victorian gothic. She is the madwoman in Rodney’s attic, and Eliza is the governess about to steal her man. After two days of languishing in bed and generating enough tears to replenish the world’s oceans, she decides she just has to know what Rodney is thinking.
Here’s how I know Lace has already given up: she shows up to the guys’ side of the beach dressed in jean shorts. There’s nothing wrong with jean shorts, technically, but I ask you—is that the kind of outfit you wear to steal your man back? Eliza is dressed like she stepped off the Revolve runway, and Lace looks like she’s about to go to a half-priced tequila shot night at Margaritaville.
LACE: Do you guys know what Rodney is feeling?
ANDREW: Like, is he okay? Yeah he’s okay!
Lmao, she’s not asking if he’s been left in a ditch someplace. Don’t play coy with her, Andrew.
They tell her Rodney is on a date, but that’s all they tell her. In exchange for that information, they want to know how the original women are faring, to which Lace gives them nothing. She doesn’t tell them about their sad van ride, or the working air conditioning, or the five hotties tempting them with chicken fights in the pool. Truly hostage negotiations at play. I love it.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Rodney returns from his date with Eliza and if Lace pulls a Bertha and burns his house to the ground. Until then!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @kayyorkcity /Twitter (1)
