Which ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Couples Are Still Together?

It’s been a long, drawn-out year for Bachelor Nation, and I for one am relieved it’s over. I normally live and die for Bachelor in Paradise, but this season was a total bore. The only true drama was the beginning of the season, and it was mostly Blake crying about how victimized he feels after women are mad at him for f*cking everyone else. Yeah, no sh*t Blake, people don’t like that. Then Caelynn went to live in a van. Clay whined about Angela—after he dumped her. And then it ended. Amirite? I don’t feel sorry for you idiots. Somehow, in spite of being some of the dumbest people alive, some of the cast actually managed to find ~*true love*~. Or they can at least fake it long enough to keep the ring and get sell some FabFitFun boxes. It’s like a fairy tale! So, here are the couples that are still together after BiP ended. I wish them all the diarrhea tea sponsorship deals their hearts desire!

Hannah & Dylan

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you have no clue how much I love you @dylanbarbour ?

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In spite of it coming out that Hannah had DMed pretty much every guy on the beach, Dylan remained stalker-y obsessed with her all season. TBH, I don’t know why you’d bother with someone that’s actually slept with everyone like Blake, when Dylan clearly likes you and only you. But thankfully, unlike some people, Hannah clearly has read He’s Just Not That Into You and went with the guy who actually liked her. Thank god. She and Dylan are totally compatible in the sense that they’re completely dull af and mostly like to lie next to each other while going, “No, I love YOU more!” So glad they can annoy each other with their complete lack of banter. Congrats on the engagement, guys!

Demi & Kristian

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I am so grateful for our story being shared. Learning to be comfortable with who we are is a major part of most of our journeys. Thankful for these vulnerable moments. So proud of you, Dem ❤️

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I love Demi, and maybe I’m selfish, but I wanted to see more drama from her. I love that ABC is finally acknowledging that gay people exist, and maybe this is hard-hitting conflict for people that live in the Midwest, but over here in LA, people are just gay and it’s not a gimmick or a point of interest. It’s normal. I wanted to be entertained, you know? But whatevs, I guess I’ll take watching a super cute love story unfold. Look, I’m cynical, okay?! Anyway, Demi and Kristian are still engaged, and I’m happy for them.

Katie & Chris

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As you’ve seen..It’s been the furthest from easy. From the decision to take the leap onto the beach, navigating what was real and staying true to myself, and my world that spun out afterward. None of it has been a walk in the park. BUT I’ve learned, a lot. I’ve learned to be more direct, how to challenge myself and others, I’ve learned that I’m empathetic to a fault, that love languages are so important to understanding others, that self sabotage can be found in many forms, and BOY have I learned what patience looks like. But most of all, I’ve learned that happiness isn’t something to look for in your partner. Your partner can make you laugh but your partner is not responsible for your happiness. Happiness is found within and sharing that with each other is what lights up a room! Communication is the link to everything, which is something we sure did LACK in paradise and shortly after. It took us a few months to really get our bearings (especially with some exceptional and unexpected challenges). I know none of you will truly understand why things are the way they are but I ask that you trust me and support me as I navigate this new world of mine. Because I’m happy with me and we are finally happy with us. We have grown so much in our friendship and now in our relationship since that day. Like I said to both of our parents and I will say to you- I can’t promise you this relationship will be perfect (it won’t be/ it isn’t) and I can’t promise we will last forever. Honestly, some relationships don’t last after 20 years and some do, that’s life. But what I can promise you is that I take this seriously, won’t lose myself, I will always try my best, I will always keep it real, and we will have each other’s backs. Thank you for following us through this journey of hope, faith, all of the next phases of life and more importantly – love ♥️ cheers to an effing INSANE adventure

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I honestly forgot these people were even on the show about halfway through. Chris is the worst. He’s been on these shows 100 times and he’s never been here for the right reasons. This somehow made him irresistible to Katie. I love when we see normal, beautiful, intelligent women on these shows, and you’re like, “What? How are you single?” and then you see their taste in men, and it’s like, “Oooooooh, I see the problem.” See also: Tayshia. Katie is too good for Chris. Somehow, they’re still engaged despite the “rocky” relationship and her roasting him on-camera about their relationship issues. They also posted real awkward Instagram posts about how difficult love is. Um? You guys have been together for five minutes, most of which was on an all-expenses-paid beach vacation. I assure you, you’ll eventually have like, real problems.

Tayshia & JPJ

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TAYPJ for the win! ?

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If a grown-ass man throws multiple screaming tantrums on TV, what do you do? If you’re Tayshia, you think he’s husband material, apparently. In spite of all the red flags that JPJ is too immature for a relationship and a little unhinged, these crazy kids seem to have made it work because they’re back together, but they’re not yet engaged. I just can’t wait until they get into their first fight and JPJ thinks Tayshia is “insulting intelligence”. Yikes.

Season 6 Dont Insult My Intelligence GIF by Bachelor in Paradise

Dean & Caelynn

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sorry we had to leave #bachelorinparadise early, the vantasy suite waits for no one ?

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Dean and Caelynn are shockingly still together, after he dumped her on her birthday and then came back to sabotage a functional relationship to get her to come live with him in his van. Caelynn, you’re really bad at this. Staying with Connor should have been a no-brainer. Anyway. Dean and Caelynn have been traveling a bunch (how do they have money to travel? Neither of them seem to have jobs?). I also don’t buy that they really live in the van. I can promise you that Dean is squatting in Caelynn’s apartment rent-free and spends all day smoking weed on her couch. She’s probably like, “Dean, like, maybe you should shower today,” and he’s all, “What? Who wants an EASY relationship?” Dean, the answer is everyone. Let’s just hope they don’t have any Deanie Babies soon.

Connor & Whitney

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See ya later, Paradise ✌?

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After Caelynn brutally dumped Connor to go live in a van (oh no baby, what is you doing?), Connor was devastated. Like, he literally found out that his relationship was over while watching Dean eat Caelynn’s face in front of everyone. YIKES. However, not all was lost for Connor, because after he threw a little tantrum and left, BiP sent Whitney to rescue him. They mostly stood around going, “Yeah, like, and uh, yeah”, and Connor said it was great conversation. Seems about right. So Connor and Whitney hung out for few days in Mexico and apparently are still dating and NOT living in a van. Sorry, Caelynn, Connor definitely won the breakup. And now he has a date to the middle school dance!

UPDATE: There are new rumors that Connor and Whitney are no longer together. Sad! But if you look at their Instagrams right now, they’re both obviously in Tulum. Idk, you do the math. I won’t be heartbroken if they don’t stay together forever, but it seems unlikely that they’re just separately in the same place in Mexico in the middle of September.

Images: Instagram (@hannahg11, @kristianhaggerty, @katieemo, @tayshiaaa, @deanie_babies, @consaelaway); Giphy (3)

Our Spoiler-Free Predictions For The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Couples

The Bachelorette finale is this week, but as we wait with bated breath to find out which fame whore Hannah is contractually obligated to spend the next 90 days with, I’ve already moved on. Why, you ask? Because next week, Bachelor in Paradise begins! It’s the best show in the franchise because it has the most drama, the most tears, and as my mother says, the most “swapping of STDs.” She said it, not me! I can’t help it, I just love watching Bachelor Nation get drunk and hit on each other. It’s like taking a secret peek into all their DMs, and even though it’s horrifyingly messy and you’re so embarrassed, national TV won’t let you look away. What could be better?

My favorite thing to do as we approach the Bachelor in Paradise premiere is predict the couples that will come out of the season. I don’t want to brag *wink*, but I did correctly predict Kendall and Joe last season, and that was when all the spoilers were saying she was getting with Leo. Some people might say I’m a bit of a BiP savant. Okay, fine, those people are me, I say it. And now I’m back again to work my magic. Let me preface these predictions and tell you that I’ve based them off one trailer that I half-watched while a Law & Order: SVU marathon was playing, and I’ve included some people that are not on the official released list of cast members because I saw them on the preview, so I know they were there. You can’t fool me, ABC! So, are we ready to make sweeping assumptions about people’s character in order to pair them up with other people we’ve made sweeping assumptions about? I sure am! 

Annaliese Puccini And Cam Ayala, Chris Bukowski, John Paul Jones

I don’t get why Annaliese has such a problem finding love. I mean, sure, she has multiple irrational fears including bumper cars and puppies, but I grew up with a paralyzing fear of poppable balloons and that’s never stopped me from being lov… oh, wait. I take it back. 

Last season, Annaliese seemed to cycle through all the men that no one wanted so that she always had a man and a rose, only to get unceremoniously dumped by a “social media participant” on the Paradise reunion. It seems she’s somehow recovered from that humiliation, and is back for more. A leopard can’t change its spots, so I think she’ll do the same thing this season and pick up the guys that no self-respecting bumper car lover would ever be interested in. And that means Cam Ayala, a skinny white dude that raps and says “ABC, Always Be Cam”; Chris Bukowski, a guy who is so old it’s probably illegal for him to be in the same room as most of these women; and John Paul Jones, our very first serial killer to grace The Bachelor. Thanks for taking one for the team, Annaliese! 

Demi Burnett And Bri Barnes

Okay, this one is a shot in the dark. In the trailer, Demi is seen making out with a woman and saying that she’s in love. The woman looks like she is tall, white, and blonde. But, no one that I saw on the cast list really fits that description. So, I’m literally casting someone myself, and if I’m right, I will expect endless accolades and will be insufferable for the rest of my life. Bri was the one who showed up on Colton’s season pretending to have an Australian accent. She didn’t last long, but that’s a ballsy move to get noticed, and something I think Demi would think was hilarious and appreciate. And Bri fits the physical description. That’s all I got, but I think relationships have been based on less, right Arie?

Also, Demi, if you’re looking for a sexually fluid dating show next time, might I suggest the sh*t show that is Are You The One? I think you’d fit in nicely. 

Blake Horstmann And Hannah Godwin

Once Blake manages to finish crying over his parent’s divorce, Hannah will swim to him through his river of tears and together they will form the most perfect, most boring, All-American couple. 

Caelynn Miller-Keyes And Dean Unglert

This Caelynn and Dean prediction might be influenced by things I’ve seen around the internet but never clicked on, I’ll admit it. We must be willing to accept help in order to predict correctly be our best selves, right? 

I’m a little concerned by this pairing because the preview makes Dean look like a 70’s pedophile with a giggling problem, so I can’t really imagine what will draw Caelynn to him. I do imagine that once they get together Caelynn insists on a Miss Congeniality-esque makeover for Dean, and he will emerge from a beach hut resplendent, dripping in sweat, and flipping his hair to the tune of “Mustang Sally”. 

Bibiana Julian And Mike Johnson

Bibiana didn’t have much luck last year, and I want her to find love SO BADLY. She is funny, sassy, and has short hair, so basically she is me if I was willing to humiliate myself in exchange for a FabFitFun sponsorship. Mike is hot, and sweet, and would call Bibiana a queen, which I think she really needs to hear (just a guess!). What a perfect couple. And yes, I basically did just set myself up with Mike. Call me! 

So those are the pairings I think will be getting together this season on Paradise! Best of luck to all the happy couples, and if you decide to get married next season I hope you’ll consider a prenup. 

Images: Giphy (5)

There’s A New ‘Bachelor’ Spin-Off Show No One Asked For

Would you like to know what I think while I’m chained to my TV by Mike Fleiss nearly every single Monday of the year? “Boy, I sure do wish there was more Bachelor.” KIDDING. I actually think “why do I willingly submit myself to such torture,” or occasionally if I’m feeling less homicidal, “oooh should I get lip filler like hers?” But never do I ever wish for more Bachelor. Unfortunately, Kinetic Content did not hear my cries for help, and have decided to give the people what they really, really do not want (I promise, we don’t want it!) in the form of Rose Buds, a new reality show that follows former Bachelor cast members in their quest for Instagram sponsored ads lives post-show.

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I always thought there should be an after The Bachelor type show……..?

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PEOPLE exclusively confirmed that the alarmingly titled Rose Buds will star former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants including human tear duct Ashley Iaconetti and the Applebee’s manager she blackmailed into marrying her, Jared Haibon. It will also feature Jade and Tanner Tolbert and their ticket into the lucrative mommy market daughter Emmy, as well as Mr. Giggles himself, Dean Unglert, and my least favorite Bachelor of all time—seriously, I still get a shiver down my spine every time I see a turtleneck—Nick Viall.

Can’t stop won’t stop using this gif

The article quotes Ashley saying, “I feel like everyone loves seeing the friendships that form on the show, but we never get enough in the one hour and 20 minutes of air time…I think this is why people love seeing the alums together on Instagram.” Of course we don’t get enough of the friendships on The Bachelor, Ashley. BECAUSE IT IS A SHOW ABOUT LOVE! Well, actually, it’s a show about manufactured drama featuring the most TV-friendly characters that are only interested in fame, but is designed to make us all think it’s about love. But we’re just going to ignore that fact, mmkay?! Regardless, she is on to something. People do like seeing the alums together on Instagram. The key word there being Instagram. And that’s where you all should stay. Except Peter Kraus, who I would totally be fine with starring in like one gratuitous sex scene on Outlander, but that’s where it ends.  

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We can’t wait for another gorgeous Janner face to be included in this group! Congratulations to our besties on baby two!!

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I do still have a few questions that the article doesn’t address. First of all, who was asking for this show? It certainly wasn’t me. I’m very busy with my letter writing campaign to bring back My So-Called Life, which I have been spearheading since 1995, so I don’t have time to DM random producers saying, “I’ve got an idea. Jade and Tanner’s recent Instagram ad except for longer. You’re welcome.” And while I see a few positive comments on Ashley’s IG announcement, I also notice that a lot of those are from other former Bachelor cast mates, not-so-subtly trying to work themselves onto this show.

So why these specific alums? And where is Jade’s bff Carly? They already have a podcast together and Carly also has an adorable child, who I’m sure she’d love to use (more than she already does!) to help her attain more money and fame! I can only assume the reason she’s not on this show is because America as a whole has not recovered from the slobber filled Carly/Evan pepper kiss, and refuses to put them back on TV. Small mercies. The show is also giving Ashley I’s sister Lauren another chance on reality TV, after she spent her whole time on Paradise unable to hide her disdain for these people. Lauren I, you are all of us.

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Thank you golden hour for allowing me not to use Facetune and thank you @marianalvergara for keeping my brows lifted and skin glowing ?

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In case you forgot that she looks like Ashley, only blonder

So what storylines will they be following on the show? PEOPLE tells us we will see Ashley and Jared moving in together prior to their wedding and Jade and Tanner preparing for their new baby. But based on this preview and literally nothing else, I will also guess that the men get spray tans together and someone accidentally sees someone else’s junk and Dean giggles about it, and that they will all go skydiving and someone will get minimally injured and Dean giggles about it. Finally, I am willing to give this show some props because it’s being produced by the team that does Married at First Sight, a show I love because I enjoy seeing people’s lives be more awkward than my own. It’s worth a watch, betches.

Rose Buds will premiere on KineticContentTV (what even is that?) on May 8th. So even though I claim I won’t be watching, let’s be real, I’ll go  chain myself to my couch now.

Images: Giphy; ashley_iaconetti, laurenai/Instagram

Leo Dottavio Had A Complete Meltdown On Twitter

Happy Thursday! I’ve woken up in a world where recent Bachelor in Paradise reject, Leo Dottavio, had a very public meltdown on Twitter last night. You know, the guy who gaslighted the sh*t out of Kendall, threw a drink in Joe’s face, and otherwise trashed whatever goodwill he’d earned on The Bachelorette. Over the past 24 hours, Leo has tweeted what some perceive to be attacks on former friends, threats of violence, and messed-up views on masculinity. While we expect this kind of behavior from our government, it’s much more unsettling when it comes from a Bachelor in Paradise contestant. Let’s take a look at how this spiraled out.

Apparently, things kicked off with this tweet from previous contestant Amanda Stanton.

Just got a lovely DM from Leo calling me a “piece of shit” & that my tweet about him last night is going to “come back to haunt me”…so i guess he can never blame “editing” #BachelorinParadise

— Amanda Stanton (@amandastantonnn) August 29, 2018

Oh, and in case you were wondering the HEINOUS tweet that sparked his outrage:

Catching up on #BachelorInParadise from last week. Thoughts: 1. I’m glad Jacqueline went home. She was too good for this show. 2. I love seeing @JubileeSharpe1 face on my TV! 3. Leo scares me.

— Amanda Stanton (@amandastantonnn) August 28, 2018

There was also, reportedly, a comment about Leo’s place of employment. The Daily Mail reported that Amanda said, “Slightly off topic but Leo did get fired from WaterWorld, right? Need to make sure before I take the kids…”

Apparently Leo has some sort of Jonathan Cheban-level radar for his name (as one commenter pointed out, she didn’t even tag him).

Original tweets have been deleted from this point on, but luckily US Weekly has done some detailed reporting,  and Instagram account @thebachelorbanter is here with the receipts. Leo reportedly fires back with the following:

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife! . . . #thebachelorbanter #batchybantz #bachelorinparadise #bip #thebachelorette #thebachelor #thebacheloretteabc #thebachelorabc #bacheloretteabc #bachelorabc #bachelornation #thepsychopathtest #bachelor #bachelorette

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If you’re unclear what this is about, please see Bekah and Leo’s interactions from earlier this month. Basically, Bekah got some DMs from women alleging Leo had sexually harassed them. He denied everything and had his lawyer send Bekah a letter demanding she retract her statements and issue an apology. He insisted, as he still does, that the harassment claims are false.

At this point, Tanner (another former contestant), suggests that Leo needs help. Leo responds with a joke about being a narcissist, then tells him he wants to fight him. Again, I’d recommend reading this in full, but he really gets into the masculinity politics with the ending: “When I knock you out can I stand over you and call you a beta?” I can only hope this is a joke and real men don’t call each other “betas” and “alphas”, except I read enough Reddit to know that there are absolutely people out there who use those terms in earnest. I just can’t be sure if Leo is one of those people.

With that tweet, Leo sets off Nick Viall’s spidey senses for when a sensitive male Bachelor contestant is needed. Either that, or he felt an interaction involving the Bachelor franchise had just gone on too long without him. He chimes in with the following tweet:

Breaking news: Self proclaimed Alpha suggests Charity boxing match with someone they have a clear physical advantage over as means to inflate their own ego all while further demonstrating their deep insecurities. https://t.co/EyyR0qC6xZ

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) August 29, 2018

Look, Nick Viall’s never been my favorite person. But someone if someone is going to call out toxic masculinity, the guy who cried in every episode of The Bachelor seems like a good candidate. Again, Leo deleted his responses, but US Weekly reports the following response: “Hey nick how about you and tanner at the same time vs me?… For allllll the marbles let’s goooooo.” Nick’s response to this is still up—as are the comments.

Wait … you can beat us both up at the same time? … that’s like sooo cool https://t.co/TNcyTnUBnS

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) August 29, 2018

Now, maybe there’s some fun new youth lingo I’m missing out on, but I truly had no idea where Leo was going with the “marbles” comment. So I have to say that Dean’s responses are my absolute favorite here. NO, NOT JUST BECAUSE HE’S SO PRETTY. (Hi Dean!) Look how funny this is:

Are marbles still a thing? Why would anyone want ALL the marbles. Honestly, that seems like a burden.

— Dean Michael Unglert (@deanie_babies) August 29, 2018

A BURDEN. Dean. I’m laughing, I’m crying, I’m gazing into your blue, blue eyes…ugh. This brief moment of lightness is interrupted by Leo’s now-deleted tweets back at Nick, reportedly saying the following:

“Jesus your forefathers would frown at your weakness my friend…This kind of adherence to physical altercation is what makes high school kids turn to guns. Be a good example and stand up to a cyber bully like I am… in person.”

I don’t think Leo knows what “adherence” means or how to use it. But I think he meant to say that refusing to engage in physical violence is the reason why kids shoot up schools…? It’s not the guns that are the problem; it’s the fact that boys are no longer beating the sh*t out of each other on a regular basis. Someone call Betsy DeVos and get mandatory fight clubs in school across the nation.

Finally, I happily don’t have to deal with his “forefathers” comment, because Nick Viall did it for me:

Apologies for the delayed response. I went to a WaterWorld to look for you but you weren’t there.

To be honest, my forefathers might have frowned at my support of feminism and gender/race/sexual orientation equality too …so like, it’s fine https://t.co/iAPuaRg8CP

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) August 29, 2018

For those of you who have lives outside of this, the WaterWorld dig is a reference to the fact that Leo reportedly works or worked there. And look, I hate to give Nick Viall the “feminist hero” title he’s so blatantly vying for, but if the gender-neutral cape fits…

Even Deanie Babies, who in all other instances wins me over, was a little off the mark with his response. He commented “I would have forgotten we’re living in the 1920’s without it,” which misses the point that sadly, this kind of garbage is as prevalent in 2018 as it ever was.

Leo ended the feud with a very confusing comment that amounts to “real men don’t shoot up schools”. No, I’m not sure how he got there, either, or if he watches the news. What I’m also not sure of? How many brain cells I lost in following this feud.

Mostly, my feelings from all this are outrage toward ABC. ABC, you need to screen your contestants better before you give them a national audience. First of all, for the safety of ALL contestants, and second of all, to give our eyes a break from this guy who is, at best, woefully inept at successfully pulling off sarcasm. 2017 me is shocked to hear me say this, but praise be for Nick Viall and Deanie Babies—the true heroes of last night’s saga.

Images: Twitter; Instagram; Twitter 

Dean Just Leaked One Person Who Will Be On ‘Bachelor in Paradise’

In case you were too busy blacking out this weekend to notice, Dean “I Still Hate You For What You Did To The Russian Orphan” Unglert fucked up once again. And, no, I don’t mean with women (for once). No, this weekend Dean spilled the beanies about Kendall joining the cast of Bachelor in Paradise this summer. Dean, along with some other Bachelor alums still clinging to their relevance with every Insta endorsement they can get their hands on, were spotted at Stagecoach this weekend looking like the reason my mother warned me against sorority mixers.  He put up an Instagram photo with Kendall and crew that all but confirmed Kendall’s spot in Mexico this summer. You had one job, Dean!

Shall we take a look at the damning photo?

Altogether we have 7 BIP’s under our belt-buckles and we’re giving our best (unsolicited) advice to @keykendall88 #boohooontheroad #yeehaw @boohoo

A post shared by Dean Michael Unglert (@deanie_babies) on

Take a look at that caption. At press time, it reads, “Altogether we have 7 BIP’s under our belt-buckles and we’re giving our best (unsolicited) advice to @keykendall88”. And somewhere by a pool Chris Harrison just choked on his margarita.

But seriously there’s, like, so much to unpack in this photo. First of all, Dean, I know this is Stagecoach and you five are going to use that as an excuse to live your best, whitest lives, but I am feeling personally victimized by that bandana. And also the entire outfit and vibe of this group outing. It’s v upsetting. Secondly, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? You can’t just leak classified information like that! I’m sure ABC probably had some expensive PR stunt lined up to announce Kendall’s Paradise debut and here Dean is, hopped up on denim and country music, just writing Instagram captions like there aren’t any consequences to his actions. Well, there are, buddy, just believe you me!

Since the photo wasn’t immediately deleted I’m assuming that ABC either okay’d this entire thing, or they just finally gave up trying to control the poorly trained circus animals they call their Bachelor alum. I, for one, am THRILLED that Kendall will be joining the Paradise crew. Kendall was the third runner up in He Who Must Not Be Named Arie’s season and also, more importantly, was the girl who played with dead animals. Kendall captured America’s hearts by being weird AF and also Arie’s dick attention because I’m pretty sure he thought she’d be a freak in the sheets.

Kendall will be joining her bestie Bekah M, who’s the only other person confirmed as a Paradise cast member. We don’t know anything about the other cast members just yet, but I doubt we’ll have to wait long if all it takes is Dean getting drunk to break ABC’s air-tight NDAs.

Sources have also confirmed that Paradise might be getting some foreign cast members! That’s right, people, Robert Mills, ABC’s Senior VP Alternative Series & Late-Night Programming, has said that we should expect foreign Bachelors from across the globe to join the American beach trash in Mexico this summer. Mills alluded that ABC learned a lot from Winter Games last February and is thinking of combining elements of the two Bachelor spin-offs for Paradise this summer:

“There were a lot of learnings from Winter Games, where it wasn’t a show where you were bringing in people every week… There will certainly be the hallmarks of Bachelor in Paradise, but I think we will definitely take into account the stuff from Winter Games, where it definitely seemed to form some really strong couples, and at the end of the day that’s the goal.”

Lol k. First of all, the only thing any of us learned from Winter Games is that Americans would gladly throw away their virginities for a Flat Tummy Tea endorsement if asked to, and that Luke Pell is trash. Secondly, strong couples, you say??  You mean Clare and Benoit, whose love blossomed out of Benoit sliding into her DMs post-show? Or Dean and Lesley, whose relationship lasted about as long as it took for Dean to restore his good guy image? Yes, based on that model, I can’t wait to see how strong and committed these new relationships will be!!

She says about the man whose proposal she accepted two episodes later…

Whatever. All I can hope for at this point is that Luke shows up in Mexico and Kendall skins him alive. It’s the little things that keep me going, ya know?

Images: @Deanie_Babies /Instagram (1); Giphy (3)

Lesley Murphy Won’t Be Having Any Deanie Babies After All

Well friends, that was fast. Here I am, cruising into the weekend, throwing side-eye and a little garbage at everyone that dares walk near my desk when I stumbled upon the most devastating news. We have not one but TWO Bachelor Winter Games breakups to drink to this weekend. I’m so shocked that these relationships did not work out. No one could have ever seen this coming.

Behind door number one, we have ultimate fuckboy Dean Unglert and his baby blues officially ending things with Lesley Murphy and her over-compensating social media posts, and behind door number two we have Bridget Jones: Spinster and Lunatic Clare Crawley and her French-Canadian fiancé Benoit Beauséjour-Savard. Let’s breakdown these breakups together, shall we?

I’m gonna be honest and say let’s talk about Dean first because he’s the hottest, amiright? E! News exclusively announced that Dean and Lesley broke up after four months together, and mentioned that things have been rocky for a while now. Are we sure D.Lo didn’t just show up in a bikini or something? Let’s be real. We all know that Dean needed a little image rehab after two-timing a Russian orphan on Paradise, and Lesley fit the bill perfectly. She was smart, pretty, and called him out on his bullshit. Of course she wouldn’t last. It’s okay Lesley, you can do better than this guy:

Dean Unglert

Just FYI, my favorite dinosaur is the pterodactyl, Dean. Call me! (What? He’s so pretty).

Clare and Benoit also announced their breakup on her instagram account this morning.

We understand A lot of you have been asking about our relationship since the show, and we wanted to thank you all for the love and respect as we navigated it in real life off camera. We do understand however, having a public engagement on TV kind of changes that. It’s with a heavy heart that we have mutually decided to end our relationship. We think the world of eachother, and we were both hoping we could make this work. I’m sorry that this may not be what you want to hear, but it’s our truth. Just know there are no negative feelings here, we are simply two people who believed in love, and were open enough to give it a chance. We still care for each other very deeply (That is why no hate or disrespectful comments will be tolerated about the other.) Please respect our privacy as well, as with the end of any relationship, it is never easy. Thank you for your understanding and love while we have shared our vulnerability with the world. ❤Clare & Benoît

A post shared by Clare Crawley (@clarecrawley) on

First, what the fuck is this picture? I bet you a hundred buck those are not even Benoit’s feet. It’s a real hassle to get into America these days, especially just for a shitty breakup instagram post. Second, OF COURSE it didn’t work out. Clare wasn’t even into Benoit on Winter Games. If she can’t even fake it for the cameras, could she fake it in the bedroom? Doubtful. I also don’t understand why these Bachelor spin-off couples feel like they need to get engaged after meeting one time. A few sexts and one in-person meeting does not a relationship make. It’s like every time these people get on TV there is a Bachelor producer under an invisibility cloak with a gun to their head forcing them to propose. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. I guess we’ll be seeing Clare on a lot more spin-offs, but I think she should just be grateful she never has to change her last name to Beauséjour-Savard. That shit is hard to spell.

It's Been 84 Years

^Clare on Bachelor in Paradise season 95

One couple from The Bachelor Winter Games remains, and they are foreigners Courtney Dober and Lily McManus, a pairing literally no one cares about. Best of luck guys, may the odds be ever in your favor!

Images: Giphy (2); @clarecrawley / Instagram

Who Is Lesley Murphy? 5 Facts That Prove She’s Way Too Good For Dean Unglert

The start of The Bachelor Winter Games cannot come soon enough. I need a new Bachelor show because this season has been v disappointing so far: Arie has dethroned Chris Soules as the dumbest most boring lead in franchise history, and I’m just kind of over Bekah’s pixie cut and fur coat combination. We get it, you’re a cool 22-year-old. So, as if I wasn’t already counting down the days, the news that fuckboy extraordinaire Dean Unglert has a new girlfriend from the show got me all excited. From daddy issues to Danielle L. issues, Dean is just fantastic at bringing the drama. And honestly, his journey from fuckboy in Mexico to boyfriend material in Vermont could prove to be an important lesson in dating rehabilitation. Maybe he learned something from his appropriately titled podcast, “Help! I Suck at Dating.”

But while I do want to know how/if he redeems himself, I mostly want to know who this Lesley girl is. Like, did she watch Paradise? Does she have no respect for Kristina? Is she a fuckboy charmer? Since I am a stalker impatient, I did some research to find out. And I’m going to go ahead and call it now: Lesley is way too good for Dean.

1. She Was On Sean Lowe’s Season Of The Bachelor

Lesley came in fifth place on Sean’s season and was sent home because she didn’t share all her feels on their second one-on-one date. She hasn’t appeared on any spin-off shows since then—so she obviously has (some) class, and she was a bridesmaid at Sean and Catherine’s wedding. Which is sweet, but also kind of weird.

2. She Used To Work In Politics

A post shared by Lesley • The Road Les Traveled (@lesleyannemurphy) on

And she’s a Democrat. Thank god, we can still like her. She left her job as an executive assistant to a Democratic strategist in D.C. to appear on Sean’s season, and worked for the Obama campaign in 2008. She’s blonde, southern, and liberal. I honestly didn’t think those existed, at least not in Bachelor world.

3. She’s A Travel Blogger

A post shared by Lesley • The Road Les Traveled (@lesleyannemurphy) on

This girl has my everyone’s literal dream job: getting paid to travel. At least now we know how to land that gig—be beautiful, be on reality TV, and be able to write. I can do one of those things (I hope, you tell me), so now I just need to get hotter and get on TV. According to her Instagram, she’s recently been to Sundance (with Dean), Bali, Sri Lanka, Greece, and I am fucking jealous.

4. She Raised Money For Puerto Rican Hurricane Relief

Points for purposeLoved every second of the weekend with travel extraordinaire @thepointsguy and our equipo. From celebrating Three King’s Day to visiting a children’s hospital to hurricane beach clean up, I know this island has made a massive comebackThere’s still much work to do, but Puerto Rico’s resilience and beauty is everywhereSpecial thx to @seepuertorico for showing us that this island is ready for business 🙂 #puertorico #meaningfultravel #despacito

A post shared by Lesley • The Road Les Traveled (@lesleyannemurphy) on

After traveling to Puerto Rico to promote relief efforts and tourism on the island, Lesley started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money to send dehydrated meals, water filters, and solar lights to Puerto Rico. Oh, I get it—she’s a saint. *Looks deeply into the mirror and asks, “what have you done lately?”*

5. She Recently Had A Double Mastectomy

Pink is powerI shared more of my story with @JuneJacobsSpa today about the importance of screening and advice to others who have someone close to them diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m frequently asked about what to do for a loved one affected by this disease. You can make a BIG difference in the life of someone with cancer, so head over to the #junejacobs site to read my thoughts! #respecttheritual #breastcancerawareness

A post shared by Lesley • The Road Les Traveled (@lesleyannemurphy) on

Correction, saint and warrior. After testing positive for the BRCA2 gene, which can increase the likelihood of Breast Cancer by 50-85%, Lesley decided to undergo a preventative double mastectomy (à la Angelina Jolie). She’s since gotten breast implants and has been extremely open about her experience on her blog. Well fuck, she’s amazing.

To conclude: I don’t know how Dean could ever deserve this woman, but if anyone could turn him into a respectable man, it’s Lesley. I also hope he uses the same lines on Lesley as he did on Rachel, because I for one would really like to know her favorite dinosaur.

Catch up on this week’s Bachelor recap here!

Dean Unglert Is Dating Someone From ‘The Bachelor’ Franchise

I’ll say this once: If you don’t want to read spoilers, kindly close out of this article. Okay, now can I safely assume everybody here knows exactly what they’re getting themselves into? Great. Let’s continue. According to Perez Hilton, professional fuckboy Dean Unglert is dating Lesley Murphy from The Bachelor. 

If you don’t remember because why would you, Lesley competed on Sean’s season of The Bachelor. She recently got a double mastectomy after testing for the BRCA 2 gene, so this woman is a badass. If there’s anyone who will force Dean to snap out of his fuckboyish ways, I’m betting it’s Lesley. Like, this woman cut off her own breasts—I’m sure she’d have no problem cutting Dean off if he even tried to pull some shady bullshit on her like he did with Danielle and Kristina.

Dean and Lesley are both appearing on The Bachelor Winter Games, which is likely how they met. Perez Hilton reports they were spotted holding hands at a Sundance Film Festival party on Friday. Perez also says that Dean and Lesley “weren’t supposed to be in public together yet.” If that’s true, then I would think they’re both about to get hit with a casual lawsuit, because as we’ve previously learnedThe Bachelor does not play around when it comes to their contracts. I just like to think that somewhere, Chris Harrison is screaming into his phone, “They weren’t supposed to be in public together yet!!” and then slamming it into the receiver. (In my hypothetical scenario, Chris Harrison has a bright red landline phone.) 

E! News reports that Dean is “really happy” with Lesley, and he even said their relationship is exclusive. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be checking out Kristina’s Instagram to see if she’s posted any selfies with inspirational quotes lately. I’m betting I’ll find no less than three.

Did you know we have a podcast where we just talk shit about The Bachelor? Listen to The Betchelor here!