The Bachelorette finale is this week, but as we wait with bated breath to find out which fame whore Hannah is contractually obligated to spend the next 90 days with, I’ve already moved on. Why, you ask? Because next week, Bachelor in Paradise begins! It’s the best show in the franchise because it has the most drama, the most tears, and as my mother says, the most “swapping of STDs.” She said it, not me! I can’t help it, I just love watching Bachelor Nation get drunk and hit on each other. It’s like taking a secret peek into all their DMs, and even though it’s horrifyingly messy and you’re so embarrassed, national TV won’t let you look away. What could be better?
My favorite thing to do as we approach the Bachelor in Paradise premiere is predict the couples that will come out of the season. I don’t want to brag *wink*, but I did correctly predict Kendall and Joe last season, and that was when all the spoilers were saying she was getting with Leo. Some people might say I’m a bit of a BiP savant. Okay, fine, those people are me, I say it. And now I’m back again to work my magic. Let me preface these predictions and tell you that I’ve based them off one trailer that I half-watched while a Law & Order: SVU marathon was playing, and I’ve included some people that are not on the official released list of cast members because I saw them on the preview, so I know they were there. You can’t fool me, ABC! So, are we ready to make sweeping assumptions about people’s character in order to pair them up with other people we’ve made sweeping assumptions about? I sure am!
Annaliese Puccini And Cam Ayala, Chris Bukowski, John Paul Jones
I don’t get why Annaliese has such a problem finding love. I mean, sure, she has multiple irrational fears including bumper cars and puppies, but I grew up with a paralyzing fear of poppable balloons and that’s never stopped me from being lov… oh, wait. I take it back.
Last season, Annaliese seemed to cycle through all the men that no one wanted so that she always had a man and a rose, only to get unceremoniously dumped by a “social media participant” on the Paradise reunion. It seems she’s somehow recovered from that humiliation, and is back for more. A leopard can’t change its spots, so I think she’ll do the same thing this season and pick up the guys that no self-respecting bumper car lover would ever be interested in. And that means Cam Ayala, a skinny white dude that raps and says “ABC, Always Be Cam”; Chris Bukowski, a guy who is so old it’s probably illegal for him to be in the same room as most of these women; and John Paul Jones, our very first serial killer to grace The Bachelor. Thanks for taking one for the team, Annaliese!
Demi Burnett And Bri Barnes
Okay, this one is a shot in the dark. In the trailer, Demi is seen making out with a woman and saying that she’s in love. The woman looks like she is tall, white, and blonde. But, no one that I saw on the cast list really fits that description. So, I’m literally casting someone myself, and if I’m right, I will expect endless accolades and will be insufferable for the rest of my life. Bri was the one who showed up on Colton’s season pretending to have an Australian accent. She didn’t last long, but that’s a ballsy move to get noticed, and something I think Demi would think was hilarious and appreciate. And Bri fits the physical description. That’s all I got, but I think relationships have been based on less, right Arie?
Also, Demi, if you’re looking for a sexually fluid dating show next time, might I suggest the sh*t show that is Are You The One? I think you’d fit in nicely.
Blake Horstmann And Hannah Godwin
Once Blake manages to finish crying over his parent’s divorce, Hannah will swim to him through his river of tears and together they will form the most perfect, most boring, All-American couple.
Caelynn Miller-Keyes And Dean Unglert
This Caelynn and Dean prediction might be influenced by things I’ve seen around the internet but never clicked on, I’ll admit it. We must be willing to accept help in order to
predict correctly be our best selves, right?
I’m a little concerned by this pairing because the preview makes Dean look like a 70’s pedophile with a giggling problem, so I can’t really imagine what will draw Caelynn to him. I do imagine that once they get together Caelynn insists on a Miss Congeniality-esque makeover for Dean, and he will emerge from a beach hut resplendent, dripping in sweat, and flipping his hair to the tune of “Mustang Sally”.
Bibiana Julian And Mike Johnson
Bibiana didn’t have much luck last year, and I want her to find love SO BADLY. She is funny, sassy, and has short hair, so basically she is me if I was willing to humiliate myself in exchange for a FabFitFun sponsorship. Mike is hot, and sweet, and would call Bibiana a queen, which I think she really needs to hear (just a guess!). What a perfect couple. And yes, I basically did just set myself up with Mike. Call me!
So those are the pairings I think will be getting together this season on Paradise! Best of luck to all the happy couples, and if you decide to get married next season I hope you’ll consider a prenup.
Images: Giphy (5)