Would you like to know what I think while I’m chained to my TV by Mike Fleiss nearly every single Monday of the year? “Boy, I sure do wish there was more Bachelor.” KIDDING. I actually think “why do I willingly submit myself to such torture,” or occasionally if I’m feeling less homicidal, “oooh should I get lip filler like hers?” But never do I ever wish for more Bachelor. Unfortunately, Kinetic Content did not hear my cries for help, and have decided to give the people what they really, really do not want (I promise, we don’t want it!) in the form of Rose Buds, a new reality show that follows former Bachelor cast members in their quest for Instagram sponsored ads lives post-show.
PEOPLE exclusively confirmed that the alarmingly titled Rose Buds will star former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants including human tear duct Ashley Iaconetti and the Applebee’s manager she blackmailed into marrying her, Jared Haibon. It will also feature Jade and Tanner Tolbert and their ticket into the lucrative mommy market daughter Emmy, as well as Mr. Giggles himself, Dean Unglert, and my least favorite Bachelor of all time—seriously, I still get a shiver down my spine every time I see a turtleneck—Nick Viall.
Can’t stop won’t stop using this gif
The article quotes Ashley saying, “I feel like everyone loves seeing the friendships that form on the show, but we never get enough in the one hour and 20 minutes of air time…I think this is why people love seeing the alums together on Instagram.” Of course we don’t get enough of the friendships on The Bachelor, Ashley. BECAUSE IT IS A SHOW ABOUT LOVE! Well, actually, it’s a show about manufactured drama featuring the most TV-friendly characters that are only interested in fame, but is designed to make us all think it’s about love. But we’re just going to ignore that fact, mmkay?! Regardless, she is on to something. People do like seeing the alums together on Instagram. The key word there being Instagram. And that’s where you all should stay. Except Peter Kraus, who I would totally be fine with starring in like one gratuitous sex scene on Outlander, but that’s where it ends.
I do still have a few questions that the article doesn’t address. First of all, who was asking for this show? It certainly wasn’t me. I’m very busy with my letter writing campaign to bring back My So-Called Life, which I have been spearheading since 1995, so I don’t have time to DM random producers saying, “I’ve got an idea. Jade and Tanner’s recent Instagram ad except for longer. You’re welcome.” And while I see a few positive comments on Ashley’s IG announcement, I also notice that a lot of those are from other former Bachelor cast mates, not-so-subtly trying to work themselves onto this show.
So why these specific alums? And where is Jade’s bff Carly? They already have a podcast together and Carly also has an adorable child, who I’m sure she’d love to use (more than she already does!) to help her attain more money and fame! I can only assume the reason she’s not on this show is because America as a whole has not recovered from the slobber filled Carly/Evan pepper kiss, and refuses to put them back on TV. Small mercies. The show is also giving Ashley I’s sister Lauren another chance on reality TV, after she spent her whole time on Paradise unable to hide her disdain for these people. Lauren I, you are all of us.
In case you forgot that she looks like Ashley, only blonder
So what storylines will they be following on the show? PEOPLE tells us we will see Ashley and Jared moving in together prior to their wedding and Jade and Tanner preparing for their new baby. But based on this preview and literally nothing else, I will also guess that the men get spray tans together and someone accidentally sees someone else’s junk and Dean giggles about it, and that they will all go skydiving and someone will get minimally injured and Dean giggles about it. Finally, I am willing to give this show some props because it’s being produced by the team that does Married at First Sight, a show I love because I enjoy seeing people’s lives be more awkward than my own. It’s worth a watch, betches.
Rose Buds will premiere on KineticContentTV (what even is that?) on May 8th. So even though I claim I won’t be watching, let’s be real, I’ll go chain myself to my couch now.
Images: Giphy; ashley_iaconetti, laurenai/Instagram