It’s officially summer in NYC and I know this not because I’ve been outside doing things in this beautiful weather but because I’ve been living vicariously through people and their rooftop Snapchats while I continue to binge watch Schitt’s Creek. That and I can legit smell the tanning oil from my windowless cell office. And with summer being in full swing, so too are the Instagram thots. It’s like every summer they find new and creative ways to test my limit for extraness sanity with their Instagram photos. Pool floats for summer? Groundbreaking. Slutty one piece? Girl, you are a fucking trendsetter. Just once I’d like to see some originality something that wasn’t pinned on their summer mood board first. Sighs. That being said, there are some summer trends that are better than others. As in, some that are v betchy and will earn you a coveted like from my Instagram account of less than 500 followers (coveted, I tell you) and some that will make me internally scream while scrolling through my feed.
Since July 4th is rapidly approaching I thought I’d take a moment to educate the masses on what trendy summer items you should not fucking bring to your Fourth of July Instagrams plans, lest you be shamed in my group chat later. *takes deep, calming breath* K, let’s get started shall we?
1. Pool Floats
If I see one more girl Bambi posing on a plastic donut in the world’s most beautiful pool (side note: where are you finding these pools?? I can barely find a tree in my neighborhood and you’re finding pools?) talking about how much she loves to eat donuts I will lose my goddamn mind. This is one trend that I cannot WAIT to see go. The feeling I get when I see this trend is how I felt when unicorn frappuccinos made their blasphemous debut on the coffee scene and I started suffering from rage blackouts wanted to report everyone on my newsfeed sporting one of those monstrosities to Instagram HQ for being personally offensive to me. Or, like, whenever Ariel Winter posts on her IG. Case in point:
Me:
It’s just like that. I’m assuming these girls think that by lounging on an inflatable slice of pizza it makes them look fun and quirky like they’ve eaten a slice of pizza. But the only girls I see posting these #DonutGiveAF Instas (clever) are people with two percent body fat. Like, let’s be honest here, Courtney (I’m assuming someone who lounges on a donut float has a name like Courtney). You have a membership to SoulCycle that you actually use and you haven’t so much as sniffed a carb since 2012. I’m not buying your bullshit, BYE. Suffice it to say, pool floats are done, they’re over. It’s time we get more creative with our poolside Instagrams, thx.
2. Boho Flash Tats
Boho flash tats aka a way for basic bitches to feel edgy because nothing says “I’m hard core” like a rose gold arrow pointing to your side boob.
Tbh I was into flash tats once upon a time but then I realized I don’t have daddy issues and it was time to retire them. Like, unless you’re at a bachelorette party wearing a shirt that lets everyone within a 20-foot vicinity know you’re single and alone a bridesmaid OR doing casual drugs at a music festival then it’s unacceptable to wear that shit in public. Seriously, if I see you wearing a gold tribal tattoo at a rooftop next Tuesday you’ll 100% end up as internet fodder. You know, assuming I’m not blackout. It’s 50/50 at this point so may the odds be ever in your favor.
3. Rosé
It hurts me to say this, but apparently rosé is done. It’s canceled. People went batshit with my favorite summer beverage and started buying it in six pack cans *shudders* and wearing it as a deodorant and now we have to put a stop to this shit. Lord, Jesus, why must you test me? I haven’t been this disappointed since Mikala and Cameron broke up on Are You The One? So basically I’m devastated. But like the jean skirt that I refused to throw away and that has been waiting in the wings sitting in my closet for the last eight years, I’ll be ready and waiting for its triumphant comeback. Just like the jean skirt. Which I am currently wearing.
4. Small Round Sunnies
If I catch you sporting small round sunnies at the beach this Fourth of July you are immediately moving to my shit list. And by shit list I mean the savage group Snapchat I’m a part of, duh. I mean, I’m sorry but are you Vanessa Hudgens a Disney star desperate for followers? Is “trendsetter” listed as your career on your resume? No? Then take that shit off. It’s not that this is a particularly heinous look or anything, but it’s just that while you might think you look like Selena Gomez in a FIRE music video you’re really sending off Elton John-in-his-prime vibes.
5. Retro High Waisted Bikini Bottoms
One pieces have officially replaced high waisted bikini bottoms as the summer swimsuit of choice and thank fucking god for that. Tbh I always thought those things just looked like giant diapers on people. I get that it’s supposed to cover your problem areas or whatever but you know what else covers up those insecurities? Alcohol. It’s a tried and true solution and idk why we stopped using it in the first place. So leave the high waisted swimsuit bottoms in your mother’s closet along with the mom jeans and ironic bowling shirts that all the hipsters are trying to make happen. Next.
6. Polaroid Cameras
You can blame Taylor Swift for ruining this one for us all, along with Tom Hiddleson and her Fourth of July bash (or as she calls it, #taymerica… #killme). Polaroid cameras used to make your shitty rooftop in your shitty apartment in Brooklyn look less like “a scene out of Divergent” (a direct quote from a friend of mine who lives a v mature life in the Upper West Side) and more like a cool, eclectic place to live. As if your salary could support you living literally anywhere else. *sips wine* But then Taylor Swift came on the scene and took a beautiful thing and cheapened it. Suddenly what made you cool and unique is now something 14-year-old girls use to document their trips to the mall. And this is why we can’t have nice things. Tbh it’s probably for the better because anytime I see a Polaroid I’m reminded of this:
Ugh. Now, if you need me I’m just going to be living my best summer life vicariously through Instagram. Kisses!
