What Your Go-To Summer Cocktail Should Be Based On Your Zodiac Sign

The weather is warmer and I think it’s safe to say that spring has finally sprung, meaning that it is time to start planning exactly how you’re going to be getting drunk this summer. And what better way to plan your future than to look to the placement of the stars and planets on the day that you were born? It’s like, basically science, except that it’s not science at all. One of the most fun parts of summer is shedding your hot toddy and red wine regimen from winter and aligning yourself with a new summery cocktail of your choice and commence three months of Instas where you’re never seen without your drink of choice, sometimes in both hands.

So what sunny weather drink will go best with your Sun sign? Let’s sort that shit out right now so that you don’t get caught drinking beer as a fire sign. That would be embarrassing.

Aries – Rosé

Aries are natural born leaders, and what says “leadership skills” more than a tall glass of pink wine? I legit can’t think of anything. As an Aries, you literally hate waiting for shit, meaning that you are not one to stand around at the bar while a “Mixologist” named Sage carefully crafts a new age cherry sangria-tino out of homemade ingredients. That’s gonna be a hard pass from you. You’d much rather get a quick glass of something that is already uncorked behind the bar, and get back to whatever shit talking circle you started in the back corner of the bar.

Taurus – Sangria

Tauruses are Earthy betches, meaning that you want your drinks filled with so much fruit someone might actually mistake them for being healthy. Much like a queen, you like to stay put in one location and have things brought to you, so anything that you can order in a pitcher and thereby eliminate multiple trips to the bar is probably your best bet. And when people side-eye you for ordering a pitcher with only one glass, your Taurus personality will assist you in telling them to fuck right off.

Gemini – Mojito

Gemini like change, meaning that you want a drink with a lot of variations. Cue the mojito, which comes in so many shapes, sizes, and flavors that it almost reinvents itself as much as you do. As a Gemini, you are ruled by the air, meaning that you need a light cocktail that isn’t going to make you feel bloated all day. A light and breezy mojito, in whatever crazy flavor the bar is offering, won’t drag you down or make you feel sluggish when you inevitably decide this bar sucks and demand your friends all leave and go to a new one.

Cancer – Old Fashioned

As a Cancer, you’re a pretty classic betch, meaning that you need a classic cocktail to go along with it. No need for surprises or some bullshit creation that looks good on the menu but shows up at the table a hot mess. You want to know wtf you’re getting and exactly how much alcohol will be in it so that you can get casually wasted while all your friends spill their problems to you. You’re a great listener, and an Old Fashioned with be your listener fuel when Rachel is telling you for the 100th time about her addiction to hooking up with club promoters.

Leo – Giant Frozen Margarita

Leo is the performer, meaning that you will want a summer drink that shouts “I’M FUCKING DRUNK” to anyone in your general vicinity. Any restaurant that serves giant frozen margaritas is definitely going to be your go-to. And preferably one that comes with a big-ass umbrella, huge chunks of fruit, and maybe even is served on fire. Just so people know that when it comes to getting shitfaced, Leo does not play.

Virgo – Beer & Shot Special

As a Virgo, you’re a little shy, meaning that you do not want to spend a lot of time talking to the bartender about all the beers that are on tap or figuring out exactly what is in each of the fancy-ass happy hour cocktails. You are methodical and logical, and the most methodical and logical way to get drunk is to just sign yourself up for whatever beer and shot special the bar is offering. This provides you with all the things you love most: limited interaction with strangers, and maximum drunkenness for limited cost. Just don’t be surprised when you’re the first person to black out. Every. Single. Weekend.

Libra – Mimosa

Libras love being social, so this go-to boozy brunch drink is exactly what you are looking for. The mimosa is the perfect light and fun drink that you can pair with all of your many social engagements. Any self-respecting brunch spot will probably be serving these things by the barrell, meaning that you can do your favorite thing ever and buy a round of drinks for all your besties, ensuring that they all get drunk enough to spill every last secret they’ve been storing in their hair all week. Orange juice, champagne, and hot goss—have you ever heard of anything better?

Scorpio – Long Island Iced Tea

As a Scorpio, you are the official BSCB of your group, meaning that you need the most batshit of cocktails: the Long Island Iced Tea. This drink’s initials literally spell out LIIT, which you are, at all times. This cocktail includes vodka, triple sec, gin, and rum, so you only need to order one and the fact that you’ve been kicked out of yet another bar for screaming “PLAY DRAKE” at the bartender will be totally justified. Or at least, funny. Which you always are.

Sagittarius – Any Signature Cocktail

As a sag, you’re just not into the whole “having the same ____ more than once.” You’re just not about that life. You’re a natural traveler and explorer, meaning that you’ll be happiest when sipping whatever drink that bar you’re at is “known” for, and then viciously trashing it when it isn’t up to your very high standards. You didn’t make it a point to go to every bar in Brooklyn to not share your opinion on the bartender’s supposedly “amazing” gin and tonic. You’ve had better, and it’s your right to say so (loudly, and in public).

Capricorn – Craft Beer

As a Capricorn, you have the benefit of being a person who actually manages to be both fun and responsible. Honestly, good for you. You also appreciate quality craftsmanship, and where are you going to get that more than a beer that was made by some hipster on a commune upstate? You’ll dazzle (or frighten) your Tinder date with your in-depth knowledge of beer making techniques, and you’ll be the designated “Cool Girl” at basically every party when people see you casually sipping your homebrew Indian Pale Ale while all the basic bitches are gathered around barstool screaming about Franzia.

Aquarius – Tequila Sunrise

Aquarians have no fucking limits, and there’s no alcohol that screams “no fucks given” like Tequila. You’ll pair it with orange juice just so that you can maintain some semblance of respectability. As much as you want to, shots for brunch are just not a good look on anyone (I know you think this sounds insane, but trust me, you don’t want to be that girl). This way, you can get low-key shitfaced as much as you want without someone calling your mom and saying you need an intervention (again).

Pisces – Mint Julep

Pisces can be a bit of a know-it-all (which you already knew) so a drink that says “I actually know a lot about cocktails please ask me about them” is best for you. Mint Juleps are tasty AF, and usually come in some kind of cool glass that screams “ASK ME WHAT I AM DRINKING!” When some bro inevitably approaches you with questions about your cocktail of choice, you’ll be able to give him the full history of the julep from its invention in as a cure for stomach ailments in 1794, and if he handle that, you’ll know he can handle being your future spouse. Or at least, going home with you later in the evening.

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.