Dear Adult Children,
In the last couple months, we’ve noticed a startling trend starting to develop among your species. We’ve stood in public places where people are supposed to be having fun and watched grown men playing with fidget spinners. Fucking seriously? A fidget spinner? The last time we got that attached to a toy (besides our vibrator) was probably our American Girl Dolls in like fourth grade, and even then, deep down we knew we were too cool to be toting that shit around in public 24/7.
It’s unclear why fidget spinners needed to exist in the first place, but I guess they’re pretty harmless if you’re under the age of 13. Whatever, flick that stupid little thing around on your thumb all you want, but if you’re old enough to drive a car you need to get a fucking life and throw that thing in the nearest trash can. Or recycling bin? Idk, save the manatees. Whatever. Get rid of it. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. It’s embarrassing.
You really need something to do with your hands? We have some ideas. How about picking up your phone and responding to our fucking texts? Sorry, but you don’t get to be bored while you’re in the midst of ghosting us. After responding to our texts, how about you pick up a good book, or do a puzzle, or literally absolutely anything but mindlessly twirling a shitty little piece of plastic.
We get it, you like to keep up with the trends. So do we. Our favorite trend is wearing all black, and we’ve been doing it since forever. But our second favorite trend is harshly judging bros for acting like children, and fidget spinners are honestly making it too easy. If you’re going to have a major flaw, at least make it something interesting, like a foot fetish or that you have a pet iguana. Then we can never text you after the first date and actually have a good story to tell our friends, rather than having to explain that you were more into playing with a child’s toy than picking up the check.
So the next time you’re going to a bar, or a restaurant, or literally anywhere that you will be seen by other humans, we better not see you playing with a god damn fidget spinner. It’s lame, it’s boring, and you can do better. Well, maybe you can’t, but it’s not our problem.