Stay Home For The Holiday: Weekend Horoscopes May 22-24

Can you believe it’s almost June? Can we all collectively agree not to judge each other in swimwear this summer? I’ve personally made it a quest to eat everything in my pantry during quarantine, so things don’t necessarily fit as they once did. This weekend marks the unofficial beginning of summer, and I for one am glad I can make use of the many, many swimsuits and caftans I’ve bought while in quarantine.

So, will the planets cooperate and let us experience Phase 2 living?


New beginnings are on the horizon, Gemini. How fitting, since entering the world and a new “normal” seem to be up and coming for most of us, too. Use this weekend to breath and prepare for like, seeing other human beings again. Maybe bake some cookies or take one long, last look at your couch office.


It’s all about dreams this weekend, Cancer, so prepare for naps on naps on naps. They aren’t just for reminiscing about while you’re chugging a beer later, either. Use the weekend to write down your dreams and memories and, like, try to learn from them in some way.


Time to get selfless, Leo. Friday after work is for checking in with your coworkers in a non-work capacity. How’s Cindy doing after having her baby? How’s Frank adjusting to the new normal? We know that human interaction is exhausting, but tis the season to act like you care. Saturday presents a great opportunity to help your local economy by buying a lot of takeout and then ordering online from that boutique you love. Sunday is for checking your bank account. Yikes.


Time to think about some new directions, Virgo. Use Friday after work to drink a margarita and really, like, mull over your career choices. Can you see yourself in the same job 10 years from now? Saturday morning will present a great opportunity to put on your very best lounge clothes and update your resume. Even if you are super into your current career, there’s no harm in keeping that sh*t up to date. On Sunday, the planets will want you to think long-term, so identify a goal (or three) and try to start working toward them.


Travel is on your mind this weekend, Libra. Since it isn’t totally chill yet to like, pack your suitcase and go somewhere you can Insta everything, take time this Saturday to plan out what your next adventure will be. Then, attack that Duolingo app that’s been sadly sitting on your phone for a year, and test out your 4th grade level Spanish. You probably won’t be able to sit still on Sunday, so, in the name of travel, take your government-mandated walk around a DIFFERENT neighborhood block to mix things up.


The new Moon and Mercury are pushing you to get freaky this weekend, Scorpio. But, like, not in an overtly sexual way. Talk to your partner about ALL the ways you’re intimate. Talk through what you need everywhere from the bedroom to the dining room table (as in, talk about sex AND communication). And, yeah, also do some stuff in the bedroom that maybe you’ve been too nervous to try until now.


Take some time to think about relationships this weekend, Sagittarius. The planets in Gemini make this weekend a great opportunity for communicating with your S.O. or, if you’re single, for identifying what you want in a partner. Maybe you need to journal about it. Or make a big, giant list about wants and deal breakers. It may seem like a waste of time, but figuring out what you want now will make dating in the “normal” non-quarantine world a LOT easier.


The planets literally won’t let you stay in one place this weekend, Capricorn. You’ll be itching to get healthy, and not just via your daily two-three walks to keep from going stir crazy. Saturday should be utilized for downloading yoga apps and pilates videos that you’ll actually use. Sunday is about being healthy in the kitchen, so use the interwebs to find some healthy renditions of your favorite recipes.


Get creative this weekend, Aquarius. Even if you’ve never really tried your hand at sh*t like watercolors or pastels, now’s the time. Order that sh*t off Prime and get going. If you aren’t into all that, grab a coloring book and express yourself. It’s an amazing stress reliever, and if your partner sees you quietly coloring all alone, he’ll probably assume you’re going through some sh*t, make you a drink, and be extra nice to you all weekend.


Time to organize, Pisces. The normal times are almost upon us, and you’re running out of time to re-do your closet, scrub your baseboards, or program your Roomba. Use Saturday to organize the kitchen, then attack a difficult recipe. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t, but at least you’ll know where all your different sugars are. Sunday is for cleaning out your loungewear, which you should now have a solid appreciation for. It doesn’t all fit, some of it has holes. and some of it just doesn’t belong anywhere outside of a trash pile.


Connect with your family, Aries. Social distancing has kept us all from our friends and family and has, frankly, been kind of a bummer. Use the weekend to call your mom, dad, sister, brother, or weird cousin. Conversations with the people closest to you will help you feel refreshed and happy; which is kind of necessary during all this craziness.


Do you have a budget, Taurus? You probably should. If you take a peek at your bank account, does it fill you with fear? Use Saturday to download and explore a money-saving app like Acorn, which’ll take, like $0.50 of every paycheck or every receipt or whatever and put it in a savings account for you. Also, start reading about a 401k, if you don’t have one. Then, get your finances in order and pay off those little credit card bills that have been hanging around. The stars want you to have a solid financial foundation now so you can blow big bucks on something fun later.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson