There’s something about Spring that gives us a sense of revival—you’re stowing away the heavy winter coats, shedding those few extra pounds you packed on during hibernation mode, and dropping those fuckboys that you kept around strictly for “cuffing season.” But before you start spending your Saturdays drinking rosé on a rooftop somewhere, you should probably go through your closet and do some spring cleaning in preparation for the warmer months.
To help you purge your closet just like you’ve purged your life (by leaving last year’s bullshit in 2017), we’ve come up with a list of the dumpster fire trends you need to ditch just in time for beach week.
Unicorn Everything
For whatever reason 2017 was the year of pastel unicorn everything. From hair trends to clothes to makeup, everything looked like a mythical creature threw up on it—especially on the grounds of Coachella. So with festival season quickly approaching, let’s make an effort to do away with the unicorn trend and reach for chicer variations of bright colors and bedazzled pieces.
Oversize Sweatshirts With Thigh-high Boots
Like most absurd trends, this impractical look was made famous by the royal family of Calabasas. Let’s assess for a second: The Kardashian/Jenner sisters really convinced us to romp around in thigh-high heeled boots paired with large, oversize sweatshirts. And in some cases, even T-shirts. And like, fine. I love a comfy sweatshirt as much as the next betch who spends her Sundays hungover on her couch ordering Domino’s. But what were we really trying to accomplish with this look? Was it supposed to be sexy yet comfortable? I mean sure it’s sexy when you can afford like $1,500 Balenciaga thigh-highs, but to me, this trend just feels like KKW is Regina George when she rocks the tank with the nipple holes. We’re all just her army of hopeless skanks following suit.
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Corset Belts
If you wear an Hourglass Gal waist trainer to work out and your waist is like 20 inches, I’m really happy for you and I’m going to let you finish but we don’t need to see your fake corset belt OVER your shirt in 2018. This trend is almost as bad as when we thought it was a good idea to wear belts just sitting on our hips on top of our long Abercrombie & Fitch tank tops back in like ’06.
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Chokers
If you’ve been patiently waiting for the dog collar choker trend to die, 2018 is the year. We’re layering dainty gold and silver necklaces in 2018 and tossing out the black velvet chokers that we’ve been holding on to for dear life for the past few years.
Millennial Pink
What kind of sign is it that the color chosen to represent millennials is the same color as Pepto Bismol? At any rate, it’s out with the diarrhea medicine hue and in with Gen-Z yellow.
Fur Slides
Bad gal RiRi gave us the OG faux fur slides with her Spring 2016 Fenty Puma x Rihanna collection, and ever since we’ve seen some of the worst knock-offs. We’re really ready to retire this trend in 2018. Although the idea of adding fur to a pool slide didn’t make much sense, they were fun while they lasted. But thanks to the oversaturated, tacky knock-offs it’s finally time to lay this trend to rest.
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Cork-Heeled Wedges And Heels
We really hope that you don’t still have cork-heeled wedges and heels in your closet, but if you do, throw them out. Now. There’s something about the warmer months that make basic bitches want to break out cork-heeled shoes like they’re synonymous with summer, but we’re asking you to please do away with this heinous look. If you’ve found yourself shoeless after throwing out corked shoes, see our spring shoe shopping guide here.
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Worn-Out Leggings
This may seem like an obvious item to toss during your Spring cleaning purge. But considering it doesn’t look like the athleisure trend is going anywhere anytime soon, it’s time we get rid of ill-fitting, over-worn leggings. Toss out those leggings with the hole in the crotch that make your butt look saggy and treat yo’self with a brand new pair of leggings or jogger pants—because why not spend money on the item of clothing that you spend the most time in?
Images: Kourtney Kardashian, closet.nia, fentyxpuma, tonybianco / Instagram; Giphy (4)
