Last week, news broke about Ariana Grande‘s unexpected new lover… none other than resident of Bikini Bottom and Krusty Krab employee Spongebob Squarepants. Even more shocking? Spongebob was reportedly married! His long-term partner, who has since spoken out amid reports of their separation, said Ariana, “[is] not a girls-girl.” While Ariana and Spongebob haven’t been spotted together since the story broke (neither on land or sea), according to sources, they are still together.
With this scandal making extreme waves both on shore and in Bikini Bottom, it poses a series of important questions: What else lies beneath the surface? What drama lurks in the depths of the Pacific Ocean? Who else is canoodling with who? Are the Mr. Krabs rumors really true? It’s time for the truth to be revealed.
These submissions hit @BikiniMoi and are worth the read. I can neither confirm nor deny the veracity of the following statements. All sources request to be anon.
Sent via form submission from BikiniMoi
Pseudonyms, Please: Sea Ya L8r
Email: [email protected]
Subject: THIQUE
Message: Mr. Krabs has ass injections, confirmed… don’t even ask me how I know.
Sent via form submission from BikiniMoi
Pseudonyms, Please: Kranky n’ Krabby
Email: [email protected]
Subject: Krusty Krab tea
Message: I finally quit the Krusty Krab this week and just wanted to write in. YES, the work environment is hella toxic. Mr. Krabs is a dictator and tyrant and cheapskate. But probably the worst part is the mold bin. When things get moldy Mr. Krabs just tells us to scrape off the mold into this giant bucket and just serve it!
Sent via form submission from BikiniMoi
Pseudonyms, Please: Stargirl
Email: [email protected]
Subject: Lazy Ass Lover
Message: Patrick Star is an apt name for this man. Met PS in a jazz bar a few weeks ago. Not only did he never call me back, but I shouldn’t even care because He. Is. The. Laziest. In. Bed. Total starfish. Just laid there while I did everything. And the moaning… Giving my own personal Kelp review so no one else has to deal with that.
Sent via form submission from BikiniMoi
Pseudonyms, Please: I don’t get paid enough for this
Email: [email protected]
Subject: Nepo Baby *literal* BS
Message: Well, it’s o-fish-ial. A certain crabby person’s daughter is out of control. I work at Wet Seal and she not only threw the biggest tantrum over the sale price of a mermaid fit-and-flare dress, but she had the nerve to absolutely destroy our bathroom and not say anything. Seriously, how does someone get 💩 on the *WALLS* ?!?!
Sent via form submission from BikiniMoi
Pseudonyms, Please: FSF
Email: [email protected]
Subject: sapphic seagirl
Message: Don’t write off Mrs. Puff as a square. Word on the street is she’s very well known in the cool-girl queer community and is a noted seaweed plug!! It’s always the nerds, isn’t it?
Sent via form submission from BikiniMoi
Pseudonyms, Please: Year 3000
Email: [email protected]
Subject: Mee maw’s still got it
Message: Was going through old photos with my grandma and she said she hooked up with Mermaid Man AND Barnacle Boy back in the day. Apparently BB was the better lover – no wonder he pulled Marilyn before JFK (allegedly!!!)
Sent via form submission from BikiniMoi
Pseudonyms, Please: Creepy!
Email: [email protected]
Subject: Barely legal
Message: I work at Bargain Mart and had to check Spongebob’s license the other day… the man, or should I say, BOY, is underage!!! Ariana is TOO grown to be messing around with him!!
