Unless you’re a Kardashian and can afford to pay a flock of nannies salaries that rival what most surgeons make, babies typically symbolize the end of a betch’s most epic party days. Having a baby means trading in bottomless mimosas for brunch for mommy and me yoga classes, which sound like a total nightmare.
Although you personally might not be ready to be responsible for an entire human being, let alone washing your Lululemon leggings without accidentally putting them in the dryer, you probably know a few people who have their shit together enough to actually have a baby that can grow up to have a future brighter than the Cash Me Outside girl. Maybe your sister, coworker or frenemy has a kid and isn’t totally fucking it up. In that case, you’ll want to do everything you can to make sure she’s not just a regular mom, but a cool mom. So like, obviously buy her baby an adorable Betches onesie.
Obviously, the onesies only come in black and white, because you should dress your future betch in acceptable colors instead of pink frilly dresses with “mommy’s little angel” stitched across the front. To put it simply, your kid’s fashion icons should include North West and Luna Legend, not any of the 75 million Duggar babies.
These onesies are so hilarious that you’ll probably catch yourself temporarily considering trapping your latest Bumble match into getting you pregnant. Like, how funny is the “Is Breast Milk A Carb?” Onesie? As a betch-in-training, the baby in your life needs to be taught to be cautious of carbs at an early age.
Personally, I’m kind of upset that the “They Woke Me Up Like This” onesie only goes up to a size 24 months. If it came in a bodysuit, I’d totally wear it. I’ve literally never woken up without being forced to, which is probably another sign that I should not reproduce until I can figure that out or at least meet a professional athlete.
The “I Still Live With My Parents” onesie is perfect for the betchy baby that understands the importance of avoiding paying rent to splurge on more important things, like designer shoes or whatever it is that babies enjoy.
Of course, there’s a “My Mom’s A Cool Mom” onesie for the kids that you’re already jealous of how pretty they’re going to be before they’re even born.
The “You Can Sip With Us” onesie can only be worn by a future betch that knows that on Wednesdays, we take naps.
For the betch-in-training whose baby monitor is literally always blowing up, the “Have Your Mom Call My Mom” onesie. Honestly, just because you can’t speak full sentences yet doesn’t mean your social calendar isn’t totally packed.