5 Vagina Products You Absolutely Do Not Need

What would the patriarchy do if women stopped being self-conscious about everything on our bodies? How would they have the power to fuck our world up so badly if we weren’t so distracted by thigh gaps and having platinum vagines? Well, listen the fuck up. Although men cower in fear at the mere mention of the word VAGINA, our vaginas are fine the way they are and we need to stop buying things that are actually harming us instead of fixing imaginary problems. Here are a bunch of things that do more harm than good that you should never, ever use.

1. Douches

This has been a longstanding issue, but despite those commercials with women running on the beach, feeling elated and joyful about their super clean vaginas, your vag is self-cleaning. You do not—and should not—ever, ever, ever need to douche. If you have some funky smells or changes down there, see a doctor. Douching does not clean your vagina, and it fucks up the pH levels, causing a normally acidic environment to neutralize, and that leaves you vulnerable to all kinds of other health issues. Leave your vagina alone. It isn’t supposed to smell like flowers or pine or a new car.

2. Glitter

Speaking of making your vagina prettier, do not, and I mean DO NOT, ever put glitter anywhere near your vagina. Why do people even do this? It doesn’t even make it look better; I mean now it’s a meat taco that has glitter stuck in it. Beautiful. Glitter is actually tiny shards of finely cut glass, btw. Don’t put it in your eyes or your sensitive bits. Also, how would you ever get glitter out of you? I once spilled glitter on my living room rug five years ago and I swear to God, I still, still find bits of it every now and then. And I vacuum that rug constantly!

Like imagine this happening inside of your body:

3. Flavored/Scented Lube

I understand the appeal of this more. Like okay, your sex life is boring, let’s mix it up, but putting artificial scents in your most sensitive parts can trigger an allergic reaction or cause a rash. Do you want a rashy vagina? Because I assure you, your partner will be way more horrified by that than disappointed that you don’t taste like kiwi lime. Also, make sure you check the ingredients of all the products you use, I mean in general, but especially down there. Some flavoring/scents can lead to infection down the road.

4. Pube Oil

While there are some oils safe to use down there, like Vitamin E or coconut oil, pube oils are not those. If you don’t know what this is, that’s fine, because I didn’t either. I did laser hair removal when it was trendy so this is brand new information for me. Pube oil was recently made popular because some people no longer think it’s cute to look like a 9-year-old girl and/or dolphin (dammit) and are growing out their pubes. Pubic oil is supposed to soften said hair and prevent ingrowns, and chic af people like Emma Watson use it. However, you don’t need it. Pubic hair is supposed to protect your vagina and decrease friction, so oiling it down completely ruins its purpose. Plus, it opens you up for fun infections or irritation because your vagina doesn’t like weird shit in it. Unfortunately, my baby dolphin vagina doesn’t have protection now anyway, so I guess I’m just fucked then.

5. Pearls

Vagina detox pearls claim to resolve yeast infections and make your vagina sparkle. They don’t warn you against picking the crusty bits because you’ll have horrible discharge for several days. Fun! However, did we not discuss that your vagina should not sparkle? It also shouldn’t be crusty. If you have a yeast infection, for the love of God, GO TO A REAL FUCKING DOCTOR. The pearls ruin all the pH levels in your vag, plus they can cause infections (thus the fun discharge) due to fucking up the good bacteria that keep your lady bits feeling good. Don’t do this. Whoever invented this should burn in hell. Leave your poor vag alone.

Me to you rn if you happened to name your vagina Britney:

Images: Giphy (3)

Holly Hammond
Holly Hammond
Holly is an ex-sorority girl with the personality of Elle Woods meets Wednesday Addams. She is an artist, writer, animator, and part-time magician. Her parents are v proud but also like to ask her when she's going to get a real job. Buy art from her so she can pay for her bulldog's dermatologist.