Science Says People With Summer Birthdays Are Psychos

We all know astrology is kind of bullshit. I mean, we’ll buy cute stuff related to our zodiac sign and blame mercury in retrograde for all of life’s problems, but when push comes to shove, we all know that the position of the stars at the time of your birth has nothing to do with the person that you become. 

…Or do we? 

A new study out of the European College of Neuropsychopharmacology (say that five times fast) suggests that the season in which you were born actually does have an affect on your personality. Wait, so you’re saying all those times my college roommate tried to justify the fact that she blacked out and got a face tattoo (again) by saying that “Scorpios are naturally attracted to transformation,” she might have actually been onto something? Well, not quite. But also like, sure Amanda, whatever makes you feel good about that star above your eyebrow. 

In the study, researcher Xenia Gonda asked 366 university students to fill out a questionnaire targeted at “four kinds of temperments they most personify.” She asked them to identify with statements like “My mood often changes for no reason” (yes, especially when watching reality television) and “I love to tackle new projects, even if it’s risky” (does giving Tai a makeover count?) and “I complain a lot” (ugh I hate how people are always asking me questions…) and then correlated their answers to their birthdays. Turns out, Gonda found a legit connection between the season during which you were born and your ability to be a functioning human in society. So next time you see your parents, be sure to mention that their inability to wait until August to bone is the reason that you need such a heavy Adderall prescription. That’ll go over well. 

Specifically, Gonda found that people born in the summer had much higher instances of “Cyclothymic Temperment,” meaning they’re more likely to have mood swings, even when they’re not on their period. Both spring and summer babies showed a tendency toward “Hyperthymic temperment” which basically means being excessively positive, so I guess most nice girls were born in the spring. No wonder they’re always wearing so many colors. Disgusting. 

People born in the winter were significantly less suceptible to mood swings, which is a pretty good tradeoff for the fact that nobody ever comes to your birthday party because your friends are all cold AF and suffering from seasonal depression. Fall babies, by comparison, “show significantly lower tendency toward depressive temperment than those born in winter.” So next time your friend with a September birthday tells you she’s upset, tell her that’s fucking impossible and switch the convo back to your own winter baby problems. 

Jokes aside, this is a pretty huge discovery. If this turns out to be true, next thing you know your cousin who can’t stop talking about how she and her husband are “trying” (Just say “fucking,” Amberly…) will be coordinating her ovulation cycle with the seasons to ensure that she has a non-psycho child. All the more reason to go to your local Planned Parenthood, ladies. Because the only thing worse than having an unwanted child, is having an unwanted child mid-summer so that it ruins your beach bod and the rest of your life because it’s psycho. 

But it’s not all bad, summer babies. At least now you have a foolproof, scientific justification for the fact that you ruined beach week because you saw a photo of your ex and some girl on Instagram and drove your car into a sand dune. If you were a winter baby and did that shit, you’d have no excuse. 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.