I just…honestly….I don’t even know anymore. I’m running out of words to say so I’ll let my boyfriend SNL’s Colin Jost explain the present state of our world:
The rootin’ tootin’ cowboy hat-wearing sex monster on the far right of that graphic is former Alabama Supreme Court Judge and current contender for the Alabama Senate seat, Roy Moore. It’s very likely you’ve heard Moore’s name in the media in the last few days, thanks to shocking allegations that when Moore was in his 30s, he engaged in not one, but MULTIPLE relationships or attempted courtships of teenage and underage girls. There’s a word I’m searching for…it’s somewhere between disgusting sleaze ball and piece of pedo trash, but for now I will continue to refer to him as “Moore” or “Mr. Sex Monster” for #journalistic purposes.
WTF Did He Do?
Before we even get into his fondness for underage women, it’s worth noting that Moore was already proving himself wildly unfit for office for a plethora of other reasons. He disobeyed court rulings, getting himself kicked off of the Alabama Supreme Court twice, believes homosexuality should be illegal, and said Muslims should not be able to serve in Congress. So yeah, a truly upstanding representative of our great country.
The first woman to come forward with allegations of sexual misconduct against Moore, Leigh Corfman, claims that when she was 14 years old, Moore (32 at the time) took off her shirt and pants, groped her, and guided her hand to touch him over his underwear. I repeat – an adult male in his thirties tried to make a high school freshman give him an OTPHJ. In addition to this story, three other women came forward claiming that Moore either made advances towards them, took them on dates, or went so far as kissing them when he was in his thirties and they were all between the ages of 16 and 18. At that time, the age of consent in Alabama was 16, so Corfman’s situation was most certainly illegal, but all four of the accounts are, in proper legal jargon, majorly fucked up.
On Monday, a fifth accuser, Beverly Young Nelson, detailed an aggressive account from when she was 16, in which Moore allegedly lured her into his car after her shift as a waitress, and proceeded to grope her breasts, and squeeze her neck as she tried to fight him off, eventually attempting to force her head into his crotch. Blowjob head-pushing should be a federal crime punishable by law no matter the situation. Prisons would be overflowing with politicians, frat bros, and Tinder hookups. Oh, and he was literally banned from his local mall for scamming on teen girls, so we might come out of this with a Senator who is allowed in the White House, but not Abercrombie. That’s where we’re at.
Does Anyone Even Care?!
In any normal, rational world, these allegations would be horrific and damning enough to cement a swift disqualification from any campaign for political office. However, we clearly do not live in a rational world, as evidenced by the fact that our country’s President is an admitted pussy-grabber, and was accused of assault and harassment by over twenty women and it doesn’t mean shit. *takes ten shots*
Some Senate Republicans are actually thinking with their brains and are calling for Moore’s removal from the senatorial race. Senate Majority Leader, and Yertle the Turtle, Mitch McConnell said he “believes the women,” which is about the first thing out of his mouth that hasn’t made me want to punch him right in his flabby jowls. Of course, even Republican officials coming forward in opposition is still not enough to convince the people of Alabama that a sexual predator is obviously not an acceptable choice for office. The race between Moore and Democratic nom. Doug Jones is still inexplicably close, and Moore is using every last big bad huffy puffy breath to completely deny all allegations against him, claiming “fake news” and political sabotage.
Alabama State Auditor, Jim Zeigler, is one of the people rushing to Moore’s defense. He literally said – I couldn’t make this shit up if I wanted to – “Take Joseph and Mary. Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus.” Ok, no. If I learned one thing in the CCD classes I did not pay attention to, it’s that Mary was a virgin. As in untouched. No P in V = J if you catch my drift. In defense of his own actions, Moore said, “I don’t remember dating any girl without the permission of her mother.” If you’re in your thirties and have to check with her mommy if your brand new friend can come over for a playdate, she’s too young for you, bro.
The Alabama Senate elections are slated for December 12th (Alabama betches – U registered?), and while many Republicans are coming out in support a potential write-in candidate being thrown in the mix or expelling Moore from the Senate, this creeper still might get elected. If I may, I would like to offer some suggestions for write-in nominees who are proven to be more competent and less morally deplorable than Moore: any of the women who bravely came forward, Oprah, a cardboard cutout of Obama, your local town pool lifeguard, a tree. Scratch that, I just found out Channing Tatum was born in Alabama, and I think Senator Magic Mike kinda has a nice ring to it.
Update: Since publishing this article, four more women have made allegations against Roy Moore, bringing the total amount of women who have accused Moore of being a gross ass skeeze to nine. All of the women alledge Moore attempted to start relationships with them when they were under age and he was in his thirties (vom), and at least two of them accuse him of sexual assault. We’ll continue to update this article as new allegations arise because like, I just have a feeling more allegations are going to arise. IDK what it is. I’m just like, kind of psychic when it comes to sexual misconduct allegations. I have a fifth sense.
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