Well fam, we’re here. We made it to Wednesday and, consequently, to another episode of Riverdale. Last week was a fucking snoozefest, and I, for one, am ready to see Cheryl burn some shit to the ground again. Like, enough with The Black Hood bullshit; let’s get back to the storylines that are actually interesting, like ordering hits on would-be date rapists and outing mothers for their slutty high school years as Serpent gang members. Is that too much to ask for, CW? IS IT??
The episode opens with Jughead acting petty AF in a Southside bar. Instead of embracing the fact that he’s underage in a bar that clearly doesn’t give a shit about fake I.D.s or personal hygiene, he’s talking shit about Archie in his diary. See, this right here is what’s wrong with hipster kids these days.
I do love when they start episodes by throwing shade at Archie, though.
JUGHEAD: With the grim reaper looming over our heads, Archie and Veronica coped by banging all over town with carnal defiance.
Oh, so that’s what we’re calling it these days?
We then get to see a montage of these two fucking all over Riverdale, including on the bearskin rug of Veronica’s living room. When I was in high school, the classiest place I could find some alone time with my boyfriend was his backseat in the parking lot of a Sonic, but okay.
^^I’m sorry, is this rehearsal for their sex tape or just how they say, “Good morning,” before first period? Honestly, it’s v hard to tell the difference.
Archie throws out an “I love you” to Veronica after sex, and he’s not even drunk. How embarrassing for him.
Elsewhere, Jughead and Betty are also exercising their…
carnal defiance detective skills. *sighs* Just once I’d like to see these two actually work out their sexual tension instead of emotionally masturbating to gruesome crime photos. JUST ONCE.
Jughead’s dad is getting released from prison, and I am thrilled by this development. I would shout-write, “Daddy is home,” but I’m pretty sure I’ve done that the last three recaps, and by now, everyone knows where I stand on FP’s DILF status. But also, like, DADDY IS HOMEEEE.
I’m not even going to spend time talking about this whole Cheryl/Josie lesbian locker room scene except to say that the best line of this whole damn episode came out of it.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: “Take your male gaze and your male privilege and get out of the women’s locker room.”
Cheryl Blossom, we don’t deserve you.
Okay, Veronica is freaking the fuck out over this whole “I love you” thing, which seems weird to me because I always pegged her as the type of girl who blackmails her boyfriends into saying the L word first. Weird.
ARCHIE: I love you, V.
VERONICA: I love… your body?
At least she’s honest.
Jughead, Betty, and Alice Cooper go to pick up FP from prison, and is it just me or is there way too much sexual chemistry happening between their parents rn? Alice keeps asking FP if his muffin is buttered and would he like her to assign someone to butter his muffin?
Meanwhile, their kids—who are dating each other—are just like, “Parents, what can you do with them??” *throws up hands emoji* Well, you can certainly ask them to stop eye-banging each other in front of the county jail. Just for starters.
Veronica and Archie start interrogating Sheriff Keller about his cold case files. Veronica is just like, “I noticed there were some missing files,” but, like, who told you this?? Who keeps giving classified police files to someone who just graduated from a learner’s permit to a full-on license?
The look on Sheriff Keller’s face rn is saying he would personally hand all of these kids over to The Black Hood if they would just gtfo of his personal business. Amen, pal. Amen.
FP says he’s quitting the Serpents, and he wants Jughead to do the same. Jughead admits that he actually likes being in the
Plastics gang, and their new member T-shirts and leather jackets aren’t half bad either. It’s true; they’re v Instagrammable, so I don’t blame him.
FP keeps talking about how he wanted college for Jughead, not the thug life.
FP: Well, at least keep writing then. It’s not like you need an actual degree for that.
ME: *takes introspective look at self and resume*
Betty keeps talking about wanting to be “Serpent adjacent” and how she wants to fit in with Jughead’s world. Apparently, “fitting in” involves some sort of sexist pole dance. These club members sound like real gems, ladies!
Elsewhere, Penny Peabody threatens Jughead with Betty. Jughead seems v surprised that a woman people refer to as “the snake charmer” might actually be deceitful. Clearly he’s been hanging out with Archie for too long.
Since Betty is busy trying to trap a man, she asks Varchie to go back to that godforsaken house The Hood sent her to. Officially, they’re there to “look for clues,” but I wouldn’t be surprised if the two of them started banging on the floor of an old crime scene just to avoid talking about the whole “I love you” thing. Or really, to avoid talking in general. I get the sense that that’s not their strong suit.
They find a box of important files with case-cracking information in it. It was just lying in the middle of the floor, because if I were a murderer, I’d leave incriminating files in plain sight too. Fucking amateurs.
Okay, FP and Alice Cooper 100 percent banged back in the day. FP is all, “Come to my retirement party, Alice,” and, “Ditch your husband, it’ll be our little secret, Alice.” I’m picking up what you’re putting down, FP.
Also, calling it now, there’s def an illegitimate kid those two share. That prom baby Alice had? 100000 percent FP’s. CALLING IT NOW.
So is, like, every teacher in the Riverdale school district hiding shit? First Mrs. Grundy, then The Sugarman/English teacher, and now this creepy AF janitor? Like, who is the school superintendent here? Roy Moore?
Also, I love that these high school kids can just interrogate grown-ass people, and these adults just let them! Like, sir, you survived a horrible childhood trauma. Don’t let this ginger whose signature look involves crazy eyebrows and a cardigan intimidate you. You’re better than this.
As it turns out, the janitor is not actually The Black Hood, and he thinks The Reaper was killed by a bunch of vigilantes back in the day. Color me shocked that Troy Bolton and his flavor of the month didn’t get all their facts straight first.
Why does the Whyte Wyrm look like a dive bar in Bushwick, but with a stripper pole? And why is Toni Topaz, a high school sophomore, manning the bar? Why are there no rules in this town?
Okay, Alice Cooper showing up dressed like its her sorority’s biker bash themed mixer is everything.
YO. The shade Archie is throwing Veronica rn for not being able to say, “I love you,” back to him is next level. Honestly, so inspiring.
ARCHIE: I picked out a duet for us to sing together. It’s that song you love. Or at least strongly like, since apparently you can’t say, “I love you.”
Wowwww. Every second of that scene was petty AF. I’ve never been more proud of you, Archie Andrews.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Did Betty just start stripping while singing karaoke?? At a party her mother is chaperoning?? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.
Oh my fucking god, she’s dancing on the pole now. DANCING. ON. THE. POLE. It’s like watching
a train wreck Ariel Winter’s Instagram stories. I can’t look away.
Everyone is looking at Betty like she didn’t just spend the last few days choreographing this dance with Toni off-screen.
EVERYONE: *amazed, awed, truly inspired*
FP is acting like it’s v casual to find a 15-year-old gyrating on a pole in his fave bar. Dude, if this is your normal, then I’m calling the police.
So is Betty just going to walk around the rest of the night in just that lingerie and a leather jacket? Bitch, it’s not even Halloween. PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON.
FP can’t quit the Serpents because he’s taking over Jughead’s debt to Penny Peabody, and he is PISSED. He’s looking at Jughead like he wants to call him a dipshit in front of the entire bar, and I’ve never been more turned on in my life.
And just like that, The CW
takes away my will to live breaks up every fucking couple on this show. Great, so now that I’m feeling emotionally devastated, should I drunk dial my ex and really make this night special?
Okay, no, no, NO. This is not happening right now. Why is Archie looking at Betty like
he wants to send her an unwanted dick pic he’s into her? You just told Veronica you loved her, like, three seconds ago!
JUGHEAD: *narrates* And he looked at the girl next door like it was the very first time he was seeing her.
Yeah, or like, he just saw her
work through her daddy issues do a strip tease in front of an entire bar. Either/or.
Whatever. If you need me, I’ll just be
screaming into the void aggressively tweeting at the writers of Riverdale. Byeeeee.