'Riverdale' Recap: The CW Is In My Personal Burn Book

I’m going to skip all the bullshit this recap and head straight to the good stuff, but first, just know that The CW still very much so has a permanent place in my personal burn book for their blatant discrimination against people who don’t have cable subscriptions and also avid Cheryl fans. The fact that she’s had all of seven minutes of screen time this entire season and I haven’t heard her call anyone a hobo in at least three episodes is absolutely criminal. FOR SHAME. Anyway, shall we get on with the recap now?

We left off with Betty getting a late-night send nudes phone call from The Black Hood, and is it just me or does Betty seem a little bit like a psychopath this season? Like, why is she so calm about the fact that she has a serial killer on speed dial like he’s my the Domino’s delivery guy? It’s v unsettling.

Surprise, surprise, The Black Hood threatens Polly. Who could have predicted that?

Archie finally apologizes to his dad for his sexually-charged fight club the Red Circle, and Fred is looking at him like, “Damn I’m a good parent.” And like, no Fred, you aren’t. Archie didn’t come to this conclusion from your half-assed father-son talk. No, he only came to this conclusion because one of his friends got stabbed. STABBED. First you let him bang his music teacher, then you let him run rampant with his little homegrown militia that has a name that sounds like a new feminine hygiene line—get your house in order, Freddy!

Betty texts Archie to walk her to school because even though The Black Hood specifically told her to not tell anyone about his phone call, she’s going to tell Archie, the dude who put him on blast last episode. What could go wrong?

Meanwhile, Archie is looking at his phone like Betty just sent him a nude.

Ron Swanson

^^Actual footage of Archie looking at Betty’s text

I swear to god, if he opens with a, “Do you ever think about us?,” I will lose my fucking mind not be surprised at all, because this is the world we live in.

BETTY: The Black Hood called me last night.

ARCHIE: *crickets*

BETTY: *takes deep, calming breaths* Okay, let me explain this using smaller words…

Veronica gets her first assignment as Co-CEO of Lodge Enterprises, and it’s to seduce the client’s son. I’m interested to see how far she’ll go to prove her daddy issues loyalty to the company.

Meanwhile, Jughead confronts The Serpents about the choreographed dance sequence fight they got into with Archie and his Red Circle. Archie gave Sweet Pea a black eye, so naturally, he’s retaliating with a pipe bomb. So casual.

Lol, Jughead, wtf are you wearing? Like, we get it, you’re joining The Serpents. Don’t be so extra with your “S” monogrammed T-shirts though.

Betty gets another call from The Black Hood, and this guy is starting to be worse than my ex-boyfriend with the random, mysterious calls. She has to prove she’s loyal to him by blackmailing her mother, which Betty does, like, every other episode anyway, so this should be a breeze for her.

Jughead also gets his first task as a pledge Serpent-in-training, and it’s fucking terrifying: dog watching.

Riverdale Dog

The face of terror. Also, if this is what happens during gang initiations, can I join one? I’ll get my jean-on-jean ensemble ready.

Omg, Veronica’s ex is delicious. He kind of looks like one of those preppy bros who’d roofie your drink, but still.

Okay, I can’t take The Serpents gang initiation seriously. It’s like a frat party but with more leather and facial hair. Also, it’s v impressive that Jughead didn’t even need flashcards to memorize all six of the Serpent laws! He must have stayed up all night studying. 

Riverdale Serpents

What is happening on my screen rn? Why did Veronica bring Nick and Archie into her bedroom? Because this looks like the world’s most awkward threesome. Also, who calls cocaine “dessert”? Clearly the same person who wrote that line of dialogue also encouraged the writers to name a drug “Jingle Jangle.”

Archie is looking at Veronica like he’s disgusted by her and her past, and I’m just like, do not even get me fucking started, Archie, about you and your past. You were literally running around shirtless last episode, starting riots in the street. Sit down.

Lol, that Betty’s ringtone for The Black Hood is “Lollipop.”

Betty finally gets to ask The Black Hood a question, after outing her mother to the entire town of Riverdale as a former Serpent (shocking btw), and it’s not, “Why are you so obsessed with me?”, which feels like a missed opportunity, tbh. Instead, she asks him if she would recognize the “face under the hood,” and he says she would. Brb, now that that’s confirmed I’m just going to add some names to my Riverdale murder board.

The Hood also mentions that he wants Betty to start cutting people out of her life, and like, if she needs any tips, I can just tell her what I do every Friday night. Works like a charm.

Well thank fucking god, Cheryl is finally back. Honestly, The CW deserves more jail time than FP Jones for the crime of sidelining Cheryl Blossom all damn season. #JusticeForCheryl.

Nick decides to host a party in his penthouse suite, because aside from mass murderers running around town, gang wars, and a drug epidemic that sounds like something I’d hand out to trick or treaters, he thinks Riverdale is v boring.

NICK: Archie, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re an epic buzzkill.


All the kids are getting hopped up on Jingle Janglem and I still can’t believe the Riverdale writers went with this name. Like, how am I supposed to take this seriously as a dangerous drug? HOW? You know what sounds like it will kill you? Heroin. Meth. Crack. You know what sounds like something people give out as party favors at kids’ birthday parties? Jingle Jangle.

I can tell The Black Hood really has Betty frazzled because she’s rocking that low ponytail. The distress is obvious. 

Betty and Jughead

Toni warns Jughead that if he joins The Serpents, he’ll lose Betty, and I’m just like, is that a threat bitch?? DO YOU WANT TO GO?

The Black Hood wants Betty to dump Jughead, and at this point, I’m 90 percent sure the guy under the hood is Toni. That manipulative bitch.

If The CW thought they were on my list before, just fucking wait for the tweetstorm that’s about to head their way.

Because Betty is a psycho, she wants Archie to break up with Jughead for her. Nevermind that Archie can barely be trusted to tie his shoes without fucking it up, but sure, let’s trust him with the fate of your relationship.

OH MY GOD. MRS COOPER. I don’t know what we should talk about first. The romper she borrowed from Blac Chyna’s closet, the Mariah Carey, pure gold, chunky belt, or the giant serpent necklace hanging in her over exposed cleavage?

Mrs. Cooper

Oh Jesus Christ. Remember when Betty said, “It doesn’t have to be cruel,” and then Archie made the breakup really fucking cruel. YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB.

GUYS. BUGHEAD IS BREAKING UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I’m watching Jughead’s face as he listens to Archie spout some bullshit about how Betty doesn’t love him anymore, and I’m not crying, you’re crying.


^^A reenactment of what my roommate just walked in on me doing in my living room

Did Nick just roofie Cheryl? My Cheryl?! Just to be clear, CW, this was not what I had in mind when I asked for more Cheryl screen time. Also, I totally called that. Looks like Nick is taking a page out of Chuck Bass’ disgusting handbook.

Honestly, I would not mess with Cheryl Blossom. This girl set her entire life on fire just to prove a point and then had the nerve to threaten her burn victim mother while she was still in the ICU. You’re done for, Nicki.

Also, only Riverdale would use a Broadway show tune to accompany date rapes and gang initiations.

Cheryl Vs Nick Riverdale

Watching Veronica and The Pussycats beat the shit out of a date rapist is giving me life rn. Like seriously, 2017 is better for this whole fucking scene.

Meanwhile, after spending the evening being Sweet Pea’s personal punching bag, Jughead is officially a Serpent. What an ego boost this must have been for Sweet Pea. I still want to pinch your cheeks, though.

I guess Betty figures she has literally nothing left to live for, because she goes to an abandoned house in the middle of the night to find out who The Black Hood is. I would say this is how girls end up dead, but Betty has all the foresight of a goldfish, so I won’t waste my breath.

The Black Hood continues to play mind games by making Betty actually put the mask on and then take a long, hard look at herself in the mirror. Honestly, that last part alone is fucking terrifying. Wouldn’t wish it on my greatest enemy. 

This whole scene is straight out of an episode of Criminal Minds, and I am loving every second of it. So fucked up. *turns up volume*

Sidenote: I really feel now is the time for Betty to go to the authorities. Are Polly and her future circus act twins really worth all of this? Are they really worth my your relationship with Jughead??

Oh my fucking god. TONI, JUGHEAD HAS BEEN SINGLE FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS. BACK OFF. And how could Jughead do this to me Betty? The fact that she sent Archie over to break up with him should have been a pretty damn clear indicator that she’s under duress.


Toni Jughead Riverdale


I Almost Hit You

I’m just having a lot of feelings rn, and one of those feelings is to burn The CW to the ground. Feel me?

As if things couldn’t get any worse, The Black Hood demands that Betty pick someone for him to kill. After about 1.5 seconds of protest she names Nick St. Clair as a sinner. And it’s like, damn Betty, that was far too easy for you, huh?

All I can say is, if the killer continues to go by Betty’s burn book for his hit list, then I can’t wait for him to get to Toni’s entry. 

Ryanne Probst
Ryanne Probst
Ryanne wants you to know that her name is pronounced “Ryan” and that this is her childhood trauma. Formerly published as “It’s Britney, Betch” she’s the resident recapper for all things ‘Bachelor.' When she’s not talking sh*t, she’s drinking $8 wine and contemplating ways to burn ABC studios down to the ground. Catch her on Instagram (@ryprobst) where she’s either posting pictures of her dog or sliding into the DMs of former reality TV dating stars (you know who you are).